“Now, for those of you who don’t know, this ain’t a debatin’ society, and it sure as hell ain’t a democracy. I ain’t standin’ here tryin’ to win your approval or sell you on my particular brand of bullshit. We ain’t doin’ no meditatin’ or chantin’, we ain’t mergin’ with our mantras or tryin’ to cleanse our minds or purify our souls or get all happy or earn our eternal ree-ward, and we sure as hell ain’t tryin’ to save the world or rescue our fellow man. All we’re tryin’ to do here, the only goddamn thing, is figure out what the hell’s goin’ on. That’s it. If you don’t find that to be a worth-while use of your time, or if think you already know, then clear out and come back when you don’t need to be dragged kickin’ and screamin’ every inch of the way.

Spritual Warfare by Jed McKenna

Life on earth is such a contradiction! At times, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say “For Fuck’s sake!” On the one hand, I live in an American society that highly prizes wealth and opulence. “Follow your dreams.” “Visualize success.” “Work hard young man and you will make it.” “Have you seen The Secret?” “Create a vision board and look at it every morning and night.” “Outwit, outsmart, out play.” We look at the rich and think they figured it out, they have it made, they must be so very, very happy. Well, I have been rich, and I have been poor. What I know for sure is when I was rich, I was asleep, gourging on my accomplishments, gently petting my ego for leading me to the top, and forgetting that all I had achieved wasn’t worth a pile of dung with regards to answering the question: “What’s Goin’ On?”

It is a very frustrating experience, knowing that achieving wealth isn’t going to nurture my soul, yet finding myself in a society that tells me the opposite. I watch television and notice all the blatant and subtle messages guiding everyone to the false promise land of trendy new clothes, fast cars, and opulent mansions on the hill. Lifetimes are spent in pursuit of these false idols, and for many, there is no wake up call, no life shattering incident that jars us from our delusion stupor. For many, it is not their time. For others, it is their time, and it is a tough time at best. At worst, it is a living hell until all the debris is cleaned from the interior. I know the direction I am to go, and yet there are so many distractions, damned attractive distractions, that lure me onto the inevitable side roads of life.

If I had my way, I would simply stop, take two years off, travel the world, and experience different cultures. In my travels, I would focus on writing down every feeling that comes up, and delving into it until I understand exactly what makes me tick. I would constantly ask myself questions like “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” and “What’s goin’ on?” But… I can’t do that! I can’t just stop living this life. I have responsibilities. I have a wife and daughter who depend on me. I have a business with clients and employees who need my attention. How do you handle all the tasks, and still find time to delve deep within, and stay there, and do the necessary work in pursuit of an accurate answer to the question: “What’s goin on?”

I do my best, which I suppose is all any of us can do. I make time to write. I write this blog to get some thoughts out of my head and put them on paper where I can noodle around with them more objectively. I am writing a book which allows my mind to run wild and explore other worlds, other dimensions, making them real and tangible. I attend, organize and facilitate various initiation ritual events to keep opening myself up to things I don’t yet understand. I do a ton of reading, mostly the same books many times over, in order to hammer my sieve like brain with key concepts that make sense to me. I am in an intimate relationship with several men and women who constantly push my buttons, allowing me to stew in my own shit and confront my own false beliefs. It is a beautiful life when it is. It is a hellish existence when it is. I do my best.

So what’s goin on? I am ever so tired of the bullshit. I bristle when I am around a group of people and the talk centers around work, the economy, falling 401K values, and home improvement. I hate it. Stick a share stick in my eye so I can leave the room. It works for most people so have at it. Am I that different? Am I a freak of nature? Often it feels like it. I have come to realize I am not good dinner company. It is better to leave me at home with good books and my laptop. I am reaching a point of what feels like collapse, as if I don’t want to play the game any longer. Frankly, I don’t give a damn what happens to me or anyone else. I feel like a prisoner, a slave, a worker bee, a fly buzzing around the shit hole of life. Sometimes I think I would rather be homeless. Then I would have the time to focus on what is really important to me. Am I being selfish? I sure hope so!

To Clutch At Madness

Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls,
Something borrowed which we mistake as our
own.

Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness
instead.

Always run from what seems to benefit your self:

Sip the poison and spill the water of life.

Revile those who flatter you;

Lend both interest and principal to the poor.

Let security go and be at home amid dangers.

Leave your good name behind
and accept disgrace.

I have lived with cautious thinking;
Now I’ll make myself mad.

Rumi

Fuck it all. Burn it all to hell. Release me from these goddamn attachments. I have taken the red pill, and yet I still find myself in the matrix. Neo had it easy. He took the red pill and went to a completely different world, devoid of the delusion, and surrounded by likeminded people. I wish I had someone like Morpheus to sit me down and tell me I have been a slave. Bring on the Oracle! I’d like to hear what she has to say to someone who isn’t “the one.” Why would any of us be granted this awareness and then still be in the same mesmerizing, tantalizing, idol worshipping place. Once you get a taste of the truth, you can’t let it go. I have seen many who act like they don’t know, but they do. It is painful to watch. Ignorance is bliss, except when it is not.

Waking up is the goal. Knowing the truth is the prize. Enlightenment is the ticket to contentment. Really? Who says so? All questions are valid. All beliefs have to be challenged. All lies must be burned. What’s goin’ on? We are all in a carnage strewn arena with an outright battle for our bloody birthright in front of us. We are all going in the same direction, ultimately, marching slowly towards a lifetime of deaths and rebirths.

Why are there so many tasty temptations, so many false roadblocks? That is such a pointless question. The roadblocks are there, and understanding why won’t move me one bit closer to any substantive answers. Life isn’t fair. Get over it! Never have I understood more the phrase: the gateless gate. It ain’t there. We put something there and call it a gate. My gates look like work, relationship, finances and children. It is time for some good, primal, teeth gnashing and hardcore gate busting!

We have a Bridge event coming up in one month. As these events get closer, this is what happens. The energy get stronger, the issues get more pronounced, and the fire in the furnace gets fueled. Four days with the men will give me an opportunity to let the lion roar. This is what I want to talk about. These are the issues I want to process. These are the questions I want to throw into the space and see what comes back. The energy is full on. I feel like I am ready to explode. Annie, bar the doors. No one is going to get out alive!