“Now, for those of you who don’t know, this ain’t a debatin’ society, and it sure as hell ain’t a democracy. I ain’t standin’ here tryin’ to win your approval or sell you on my particular brand of bullshit. We ain’t doin’ no meditatin’ or chantin’, we ain’t mergin’ with our mantras or tryin’ to cleanse our minds or purify our souls or get all happy or earn our eternal ree-ward, and we sure as hell ain’t tryin’ to save the world or rescue our fellow man. All we’re tryin’ to do here, the only goddamn thing, is figure out what the hell’s goin’ on. That’s it. If you don’t find that to be a worth-while use of your time, or if think you already know, then clear out and come back when you don’t need to be dragged kickin’ and screamin’ every inch of the way.
Spritual Warfare by Jed McKenna
Life on earth is such a contradiction! At times, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say “For Fuck’s sake!” On the one hand, I live in an American society that highly prizes wealth and opulence. “Follow your dreams.” “Visualize success.” “Work hard young man and you will make it.” “Have you seen The Secret?” “Create a vision board and look at it every morning and night.” “Outwit, outsmart, out play.” We look at the rich and think they figured it out, they have it made, they must be so very, very happy. Well, I have been rich, and I have been poor. What I know for sure is when I was rich, I was asleep, gourging on my accomplishments, gently petting my ego for leading me to the top, and forgetting that all I had achieved wasn’t worth a pile of dung with regards to answering the question: “What’s Goin’ On?”
It is a very frustrating experience, knowing that achieving wealth isn’t going to nurture my soul, yet finding myself in a society that tells me the opposite. I watch television and notice all the blatant and subtle messages guiding everyone to the false promise land of trendy new clothes, fast cars, and opulent mansions on the hill. Lifetimes are spent in pursuit of these false idols, and for many, there is no wake up call, no life shattering incident that jars us from our delusion stupor. For many, it is not their time. For others, it is their time, and it is a tough time at best. At worst, it is a living hell until all the debris is cleaned from the interior. I know the direction I am to go, and yet there are so many distractions, damned attractive distractions, that lure me onto the inevitable side roads of life.
If I had my way, I would simply stop, take two years off, travel the world, and experience different cultures. In my travels, I would focus on writing down every feeling that comes up, and delving into it until I understand exactly what makes me tick. I would constantly ask myself questions like “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” and “What’s goin’ on?” But… I can’t do that! I can’t just stop living this life. I have responsibilities. I have a wife and daughter who depend on me. I have a business with clients and employees who need my attention. How do you handle all the tasks, and still find time to delve deep within, and stay there, and do the necessary work in pursuit of an accurate answer to the question: “What’s goin on?”
I do my best, which I suppose is all any of us can do. I make time to write. I write this blog to get some thoughts out of my head and put them on paper where I can noodle around with them more objectively. I am writing a book which allows my mind to run wild and explore other worlds, other dimensions, making them real and tangible. I attend, organize and facilitate various initiation ritual events to keep opening myself up to things I don’t yet understand. I do a ton of reading, mostly the same books many times over, in order to hammer my sieve like brain with key concepts that make sense to me. I am in an intimate relationship with several men and women who constantly push my buttons, allowing me to stew in my own shit and confront my own false beliefs. It is a beautiful life when it is. It is a hellish existence when it is. I do my best.
So what’s goin on? I am ever so tired of the bullshit. I bristle when I am around a group of people and the talk centers around work, the economy, falling 401K values, and home improvement. I hate it. Stick a share stick in my eye so I can leave the room. It works for most people so have at it. Am I that different? Am I a freak of nature? Often it feels like it. I have come to realize I am not good dinner company. It is better to leave me at home with good books and my laptop. I am reaching a point of what feels like collapse, as if I don’t want to play the game any longer. Frankly, I don’t give a damn what happens to me or anyone else. I feel like a prisoner, a slave, a worker bee, a fly buzzing around the shit hole of life. Sometimes I think I would rather be homeless. Then I would have the time to focus on what is really important to me. Am I being selfish? I sure hope so!
To Clutch At Madness
Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls,
Something borrowed which we mistake as our
own.
Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness
instead.
Always run from what seems to benefit your self:
Sip the poison and spill the water of life.
Revile those who flatter you;
Lend both interest and principal to the poor.
Let security go and be at home amid dangers.
Leave your good name behind
and accept disgrace.
I have lived with cautious thinking;
Now I’ll make myself mad.
Rumi
Fuck it all. Burn it all to hell. Release me from these goddamn attachments. I have taken the red pill, and yet I still find myself in the matrix. Neo had it easy. He took the red pill and went to a completely different world, devoid of the delusion, and surrounded by likeminded people. I wish I had someone like Morpheus to sit me down and tell me I have been a slave. Bring on the Oracle! I’d like to hear what she has to say to someone who isn’t “the one.” Why would any of us be granted this awareness and then still be in the same mesmerizing, tantalizing, idol worshipping place. Once you get a taste of the truth, you can’t let it go. I have seen many who act like they don’t know, but they do. It is painful to watch. Ignorance is bliss, except when it is not.
Waking up is the goal. Knowing the truth is the prize. Enlightenment is the ticket to contentment. Really? Who says so? All questions are valid. All beliefs have to be challenged. All lies must be burned. What’s goin’ on? We are all in a carnage strewn arena with an outright battle for our bloody birthright in front of us. We are all going in the same direction, ultimately, marching slowly towards a lifetime of deaths and rebirths.
Why are there so many tasty temptations, so many false roadblocks? That is such a pointless question. The roadblocks are there, and understanding why won’t move me one bit closer to any substantive answers. Life isn’t fair. Get over it! Never have I understood more the phrase: the gateless gate. It ain’t there. We put something there and call it a gate. My gates look like work, relationship, finances and children. It is time for some good, primal, teeth gnashing and hardcore gate busting!
We have a Bridge event coming up in one month. As these events get closer, this is what happens. The energy get stronger, the issues get more pronounced, and the fire in the furnace gets fueled. Four days with the men will give me an opportunity to let the lion roar. This is what I want to talk about. These are the issues I want to process. These are the questions I want to throw into the space and see what comes back. The energy is full on. I feel like I am ready to explode. Annie, bar the doors. No one is going to get out alive!
I was driving home from Chicago, heading toward California, when the title of this article popped into my head. My intention was to drive home in two days. This trip, according to my GPS system, should cover approximately 2100 miles, and take 36 hours. Having made this trip many times, I know that if I drive at 8 miles over the speed limit, I can make the trip in 30 hours. My goal is to drive 20 hours the first day, and then 10 hours the second day. I get up the first morning at 3:30AM and am driving in Nebucanezer (my car) by 4AM. Then I drive until midnight. On my trip out to Chicago a month ago, everything went very smoothly, and I stopped at North Platte Nebraska the first night, and made it to Chicago by 7PM the following day.
I experienced something quite different on the way back home. First, I made a stop in Lincoln, Nebraska to see and spend some time with a fallen Grail brother, B.B. who is currently residing at a rehabilitation center while recovering from a horrific automobile accident. Initially after the accident two months ago, B.B. was paralyzed and in a coma. When I saw him last Saturday, he was starting to get some movement back. His speech is still not really understandable, and his right side is fairly well shut down. While his recovery is amazing, he still has ever so far to go. It was sobering to see B.B., helpless as an infant. My memory of B.B. from before the accident was of a man very strong, very proud, and very active. Our lives can change in an instant!
I had checked the weather before heading out. I was very aware of a blizzard that would be blanketing the Midwest sometime Saturday. My goal was to drive through that area of the country before the blizzard hit and then let it pass over me and continue on the next day. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans! As I was driving through Nebraska, heading towards Wyoming, I saw a road sign that was flashing, “Highway 80 closed at Big Springs heading into Wyoming.” Then the snow started to fall, and fewer and fewer cars were on the road. My commitment to get home by Saturday night was strong, and so I kept driving.
When I arrived at Big Springs, there was still a road that was open. It was Highway 76, which headed toward Denver. I thought that since the road was open, that if I headed south toward Denver, I could miss the blizzard, and make a bit of a detour through Denver, on to Grand Junction, and then back up to Highway 80 at Salt Lake City. This would add 6 hours to my trip, but it was doable. So off I went, for 6 hours of some of the most treacherous driving I have ever experienced.
White Out Conditions! I have never experienced true white out conditions before this trip. Basically, I was driving at about 30 miles per hour, when suddenly, it all went white. So much snow was blowing across the road, that I could see absolutely nothing. I hit my brakes and skidded for what seemed an eternity, praying I wouldn’t hit the car in front of me, slide off to the side of the road into a ditch, nor get rear ended by the car behind me. It was a long skid. For 100 miles, I drove this God forsaken road, with just a few fellow road warriors. I saw so many cars and trucks that did not make it. Cars turned upside down in the center section. 18 wheelers all bent and mangled off to the right. It was eerie, as if driving through a morgue. The white out conditions, the strewn wreckage of fellow travelers, and my visit with B.B., all served to jack up my adrenalin as I pushed forward.
At last, I broke through to some clear weather as I neared Denver. It did get a bit hairy again as I drove late at night through the mountains of Colorado. I stopped for a 3 hour nap somewhere near Grand Junction, and headed off Sunday morning at 4AM. When I drive so many hours, I develop a relationship with fatigue. There are certain things to do to keep focused: music, red bull, cold air on the face, and fond memories of my family back home at my final destination. Driving across the barren landscape of Nevada was quite a challenge as I tried to keep alert and not day dream for extended periods of time. Once I hit Reno, adrenalin again kicked in as I knew I would be home in about 4 hours. I walked through the door of my home in Sebastopol at 6:30PM on Sunday evening, 39 hours after leaving Chicago.
During a solitary trip like this, one has plenty of time to think. I thought about all the people I had met during my travels. I was blessed to have so many interactions with people of varying life experiences and belief systems. It seems most folks in this country would call themselves Christian. And as I heard them speak about God, I came to realize that Christianity, and really any organized religion, is just a clever form of slavery. I was reminded of a line from the movie, The Matrix: “You are a slave Neo!”
I titled this article, Satan Lives In A Church, not because I believe in the devil, but because so many people do believe in the devil. And if you do believe in the devil, you’d have to believe he had something to do with the creation of organized religion. How else could so many go so far towards a life of death? These are strong words, damning words, and it hurts my heart to see things so clearly. Still, there is no denying the power of the church, and its control over the masses.
The entire structure of the church is built upon beliefs. Another way to put this is…. The entire structure of the church is built upon lies. There is nothing there! I was raised to believe there is but one God, a loving God, who watches over me. My life, my current life, is a test of sorts, a test of my candidacy for a life in heaven. If I pass the test, I get to go to heaven. If I fail, I get to go to hell. So, just to be very clear, if I live my life the way I am told to live my life, I win. If I don’t, I fail. The trick to this whole system is to get folks to believe all of this is real. To believers, beliefs in God, heaven and hell are not beliefs. They are real. They are the truth. And there is no opportunity for discussion or dissension. Those who don’t believe are pagans.
Worse yet, children are born into this slavery of beliefs. Baptism gets the process rolling. Attending church every Sunday reinforces all these beliefs. More important than what a child hears in church is the simple fact that his or her parents are attending church. Children want to please their parents, and mimic their behavior. So before a child even has the capacity for discerning thought, their belief system and body of actions are in place. It is like a factory which produces revenue streams by the millions, all brilliantly packaged in a “save your soul” wrapper.
“Family religiousness is undoubtedly the most powerful predictor of adolescent and subsequent adulthood religiousness” (Michele Dillon, Sage Encyclopedia of the Sociology of Religion, 2007, p. 538).
This raises some big questions: Why do parents raise their children with a given belief system? Why is there so much fear around raising a free thinking child? What is in it for the parents when they raise a child to think and believe the same concepts? Why are parents so threatened when their children don’t believe the same things? In my own family, I have come to be called the black sheep. I do all the wrong things. I smoke. I am divorced. I don’t go to church. I am agnostic (meaning, I don’t have an opinion about God’s existence). I participate in all sorts of “bad” behavior. In short, if you believe in hell, you would have to assume I am going there.
I realize that the writing of this article is somewhat pointless.
The power of religion is so great, I don’t see how anyone nor anything can dislodge this blind obedience in beliefs. As I was driving, I was struck by how many Christian radio stations there are, especially throughout the Midwest and deep south. Clearly, people who do believe, find great comfort in listening to others who believe. It feels good to be part of a tribe, to be accepted as a member, to feel safe and unthreatened by the pagans. One radio station told me that Oprah was participating in devil teachings. One woman called in and said “Praise Jesus!” for she had turned off the Oprah show a couple of years back. Hallelujah!
Why is it so few of us are willing to look at the possibility of experiencing heaven here on earth? I happen to live in a very progressive part of California, where “the church” doesn’t seem to have such a strong foothold. It was a real eye opener for me to experience life outside of California. The church is very powerful. Its tentacles reach far and wide. Billions of people are living with belief systems that bear no resemblance to reality. And all the time, the churches get richer and stronger. The government provides the church with attractive tax breaks. Why, in America, where we are to have separation of church and state, don’t we? When you start to peel back the shiny veneer, the picture you see isn’t very pretty.
I can say based on my own experiences, that there is something so loving, so wonderful, so divine, and so precious which lives within me. Further, it not only lives within me, it is me. And it is you as well. It takes hard work to unpeel the onion until there is nothing left. It is a treacherous path through the dark side. I am delighted when men sign up for a men’s event, for it demonstrates a thirst for the infinite. It demonstrates one’s desire to unearth that which is lying dormant. When I feel that thirst, and get to spend time with men who are searching for heaven on earth, my gifts get to be used. In those instances, I can be of service. In those instances, we might just find that God lives in the spaces between us, in the spaces between our words, in the spaces between our cells, and in the space where silence lives.
These last few weeks, I have driven. I mean….Really Driven! My Acura TL is resting now outside of my hotel room. His name is Nebacanezer and he has been a freaken stud.
Together, we started in Sebastopol, California, and drove 20 hours straight to North Platte, Nebraska. Next day, onward to Mokena, Illinois. A week later, I was driving to Lee’s Summit, Missouri and back to Mokena. A few days later, off again to Nashville, Tennessee and then to Bay St. Louis, Mississippi where I am right now. As I go back in my mind and recall all the states I have covered: California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi, I marvel at the diversity of climate, landscape and life experience. In the end, as I sit in my hotel room in the deep south, one mile from the Gulf of Mexico, warm humid air outside, storm clouds threatening, listening to The Allman Brother’s “Eat a Peach” and writing this article, I am struck with a question that feels called to be explored: “What is poverty?”
Over the last few weeks of this “walkabout” I have had oh so many conversations with my brothers, my dudes, my male buddies. All of them are fairly seriously tweaked out about finances, the economy, the spending patterns of their women, the IRS and taxes, and just what the hell is going on in these crazy times. Fear of not surviving is rampant. Fear of not being able to provide for themselves and their loved ones runs wild. In short, it is a fear of poverty. It is like a plague has descended, a massive dark cloud engulfing us all during these trying times. I am fortunate in that I seem to be getting a much broader perspective of this phenomenon through all my many conversations. When I talked to one of my brothers, just telling him that everybody is feeling the same way, i.e., “scared shitless”, this brought him some peace of mind. It is always good to feel you are not alone. Even if this feeling of being a part of a tribe is an illusion, the illusion brings comfort to most. I have to remember that most people don’t think or feel as I do. My true tribe is a tribe of one.
There are many aspects to this issue of poverty. In the American culture, it is a bad thing. Yet monks, whose whole life is a search for enlightenment, chose a life of poverty. Interesting isn’t it? We pursue financial security and things like cars, houses, televisions, and fat bank accounts. They choose to live on a very limited diet, spend as much time alone as possible, and eschew all the material possessions we rabidly pursue and show off to our neighbors. Frankly, I am overwhelmed at the prospect of writing about this topic. Heresy isn’t real popular.
So as I hear the cleaning staff outside my room speaking in their southern drawl, I will endeavor to keep writing and see what flows out. In a very wonderful way, this is a nice metaphor for the situation many of us are feeling right now. Overwhelm. So I will take a deep breath, take each thought as it comes, do my best at conveying my feelings, and go on from there. That is the best I can do. That is the best any of us can do.
I have always thought of the word “poverty” as a bad word. My general definition would be “not enough!” Isn’t that what poverty is, it is not having enough? I knew as a young boy that I didn’t want poverty in my life. I remember my Dad driving me and my brothers through East Oakland in some sort of life lesson experience. He showed us how even people in our very own country were poor. Trash was everywhere. Safeway shopping carts were strewn on the streets. Houses were all dilapidated. Old Cadillacs with flat tires were parked on the brown dead grass. I think my dad sensed we were a bit spoiled and wanted us to begin to appreciate what we had. My Dad grew up poor, so he knew something about gratitude. My Dad is a good man, and he made this special effort to teach us about some of the realities of life. I got the message: “Poverty is to be avoided at all costs!”
Then in my twenties, I read a book by Carlos Castandeda, A Separate Reality. In that book, there was a 2 page passage that I will always remember. In the book, Carlos is a student, who is doing some research on a shaman named Don Juan. Carlos is your typical American, westernized male, very left brain, and quite unaware of the unseen world. He had arrived in a little village, awaiting the coming of Don Juan. During his days in the poverty stricken village, he noticed some local boys, and was struck by how they would beg for money, and eat the scraps off a restaurant table after the patrons had left.
“Do you feel sorry for them?” Don Juan exclaimed in a questioning tone.
“I certainly do,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because I am concerned with the well-being of my fellow man. Those are children and their world is ugly and cheap.”
“Wait wait. How can you say their world is ugly and cheap?” Don Juan said mocking my statement. “You think you are better off, don’t you?”
……
I argued my point for a while longer and then Don Juan asked me bluntly. “Didn’t you once tell me that in your opinion man’s greatest accomplishment was to become a man of knowledge?”
….
“Do you think that your very rich world would ever help you to become a man of knowledge?”, Don Juan asked with slight sarcasm.
….
“No!” I said emphatically.
“Then how could you feel sorry for those children?” he said seriously. “Any of them could become a man of knowledge. All of the men of knowledge I know were kids like those you saw eating leftovers and licking the tables.”
What I see out there is men in panic feeling sorry for themselves. I see men reacting to the current situation, which is essentially a dance with poverty, as if something is very wrong. I see men getting angry. Fear manifests in many ways. And it is all in reaction to having a bit or a lot less than last year. That’s it.
Many of us have to live on less. That is the current situation. All there is to do is adjust. All the whining, the anger, the emotional reactions are pointless and only bring heartache to ourselves and our families. The following comments, all of which I have heard numerous times, go to serve what purpose? “My 401K is getting killed.” “The IRS is after me.” “I don’t know if I can afford it.” “She is spending more money than she is making.” “My check might bounce.” I can speak for myself here and state very bluntly that my ego, my identity, and my sense of well being have all been tied to my financial stability. This has been a potent lie we have been told since birth. And I bought into it. Maybe you can relate. What I am getting at here is that perhaps, just perhaps… this dance with poverty is a massive opportunity, if only we could see it from a broader perspective.
This dance with poverty could be an opening for massive ego deconstruction.
This interaction with poverty presents the opportunity to go deep within and find humility. In the Buddhist culture, complete and total poverty of the ego is the ultimate awakening. Our current financial poverty can lead all of us to a profound humbling. It can teach us to appreciate the little things in life if only we would stop the struggle. How much time do we need to spend like a rat in a cage, running and running on the wheel, getting only tired, frustrated and depressed? Truly, we all have so much to be grateful for, even if we can’t afford to eat out at our favorite restaurant as often as we’d like. Just the simple fact that we are alive is all the reason we need to be grateful. Right now, take a deep breath and see how it feels. Recognize that those who have passed on can’t feel the air filling their lungs. Right now, imagine the eyes of another and see if you can feel the warm heart that beats inside. Close your eyes and feel the blood pumping through your veins. We are alive and life is rich.
As I drive around the bayous of Mississippi, I stop to sell cable with my newfound southern drawl – “Hey, I’m Jay…. Y’all got the dish?” Most of the people I meet with are poor. Many live in trailers as their homes were destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. It can get real hot, and the gnats (which do bite…hard) are everywhere. Yet, I can say based on my few days here, these are some of the friendliest people I have met. They exude warmth that I find ever so refreshing. I walk up to the door, and “poor ignorant southern folk” invite me in, often before I have even introduced myself. They offer me water or coffee. One man last night fed me and my buddy with an unlimited supply of boiled shrimp, garlic and potatoes that he made earlier in the day. Poor? Yes. Humble? Yes. Arrogant? No. Angry? No. Having a pity party? No. Worried about the world collapsing? No.
Out of catastrophe comes beauty. Out of complete devastation comes transformation.
Now it may be possible that some of you are saying something like “Well, that’s easy for you to say, you don’t have my bills to pay!” or “Fuck you, you don’t really know what it is like living with her!” or “Jay, you are so full of shit, go fuck yourself!” I get it. This isn’t great news. And yet it is! On top of a financial crisis, we also have a much larger crisis of spirit, and that is the crisis that is worth addressing with every ounce of our being.
Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige’s wall, there was this one:
“Matters of great concern should be treated lightly.”
Master Ittei commented,
“Matters of small concern
should be treated seriously.”
The choice is yours. The opportunity is here like never before. Never in my generation has there been such a massive calling by the universe to drop the ego, surrender, and free fall into humility and nothingness. This is our chance to go deep within ourselves and find the inner peace, the inner love and the inner lover. The universe is forcing the issue. You can go with it, or fight it kicking and screaming. What happens outside of ourselves is all noise. The real game, the real path, is inward. That is where the long lasting grace is to be found. This is what Osho calls “The Golden Path.
I invite you to join me and come to a place of acceptance, humility and exhilaration. I am slowly starting to see where this dance with poverty is taking me, and I am humbled by the intelligence of the universe. I am absolutely ecstatic about how the universe is bouncing me around, teaching me that I am not in control. This is an opportunity to learn the ways of the wizard. For many of us, we aren’t as young as we once were. The old ways don’t work like they use to. The sword is not so sharp. It feels heavy in our hands. Subtlety, wisdom and patience are called for. The universe is calling for it. And I bet your woman and children are looking for it within you as well.
And best of all for me, I am learning that by not being in control, and merging with the universe rather than fighting against it, things are actually working out with a shamanic mysticism, a divinity, and a magic that my soul craves. What a time to be alive. Game on!
When it comes to our inner landscape, we tend to distinguish light and dark. We may say that we associate light energy with God and dark energy with Satan. As a young Catholic boy, this was my lesson. God was good, the light of the world, sitting in heaven with his long white robe and beard, waiting for me after having lived a good life. Satan was bad, pacing in Hell with his fierce face and red pointed horns, waiting for me to slip up and find my way to his realm. Another perception many share is that light energy is positive and dark energy is negative. Most of us would rather resonate with the light than the dark. The dark is scary, unknown, and capable of so much destruction. The light is beautiful, blissful and transcendent. Yet, the truth of the matter is you can’t separate the two. Well, you can try, but it won’t work. You can’t have resplendent light without satanic dark. They are two sides of the same coin. Both must be alive within you if you are to reclaim your authentic and whole self.
I am constantly and painfully aware of how people try to be good. In my opinion, they are all fakers who can’t be trusted! They embrace the light, but since they don’t know their dark side, they don’t have any real footing. Throw them an insult, and you will see that light disappear like a frightened rabbit down a hole. Most people won’t go to the deepest and darkest parts of themselves. We don’t seem to understand, nor want to acknowledge, the truth. You can only radiate light to the same degree you have been willing to go into your dark world. Without going into the dark, and sincerely exploring the murk, you can’t have the qualities of genuine compassion and wisdom. How could you? You haven’t been there. You don’t even know all aspects of yourself, let alone another human being. You only know a part of yourself. If you are honest with yourself, the part you know lacks depth. And for us dudes, we are all about the depth. It is what we crave, and it is that one thing for which women will commit their lives in relationship.
As men, we are born with very primal instincts. Our ancestors were hunters. They went out to kill game to provide for their family. Life was hard, with death lurking around each rock and tree. The need to survive created strength, endurance and discipline. While today, we don’t have to go out and hunt to survive; we still have every bit of that primal DNA in our systems. Anger, Rage, and Lust are still within us, and I am here to tell you that this is a good thing. This is one source of our strength and power. What I see now is a world in which men are running away from their heritage and strength. We don’t claim all of our selves. We act like the pink hippopotamus in the center of the room isn’t there. But it is. You know it. I know it. And your partner knows it. Until a man reconciles with his dark side, he will be marginally impotent in the world. He will be a partial man who has not integrated all aspects of his being. He is limp.
Many men grow up with fathers who were stern and often abusive. As a young boy, it was very common for children to get spanked when they disobeyed their parents. My father was a disciplinarian. Being a rambunctious boy, I was getting into all kinds of trouble. And a few times, I was at the sore end of a spanking. Some of us had it much worse. Growing up in this environment, many of us decided to do a 180 as adults and live a “civilized” life devoid of violence. We got all spiritual and became “anti-Dad.” In doing so, perhaps we are more humane. But in making that choice, we have also cut ourselves off from our real primal power, which, if we explore it and know it, we can use it to further our growth and development in the world. We can provide a real example of authentic man for our spouse and children.
Until I was 40 years old, I would have to say I was a meek young man. I rejected my masculinity. I preferred spending time with women. I was a sensitive new age guy (aka SNAG) who was getting along all right in the world. Honestly, I didn’t think I was missing anything. My life was satisfactory. Others hoped to emulate the relationship I had with my wife. Then one day, everything changed. I got really angry. I got so angry that I knew I could kill. And in that moment, I began to scratch the surface of a part of me that was dormant. I felt like a lion that had just learned how to roar. And it felt good.
In my own experience, it took another man confronting me on the way I was living my life to turn the key, to unlock the lock to my full masculinity. He was physical with me, and brutally honest in a way that I could not defend. And it pissed me off. He pointed out every area in my life that I was being inauthentic. He pointed to my arrogance, my sexual objectifying of women, my fake and my phony façade of being a nice guy. So relenting was the assault, and so debilitating the impact of his words, that I crumbled in tears. However, after the tears, a primal yearning began to emerge. I wanted to kill. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to defend. And beyond all that, I wanted to make a contribution to the world. Rather than sucking off the fat of the land as I had been doing for so long, I was committed to discover all aspects of myself and share my learning with others.
I often share a saying with those I work with: “How low you go determines how high you fly.” You can’t pretend to be a nice guy. If you haven’t dealt with you dark side and admitted to all your ugliness, your hurtful thoughts, and your self-righteousness, it is impossible to be an authentic “good man.” All that dark and murky green slime is lurking just below the surface. Until you whole heartedly dive into the slime, you will look and feel like a phony. There comes a time when you have to admit to your warts. Love your imperfections. Embrace your dark emotions. “Know thyself!” Until you reclaim all aspects of your masculinity, you will have a very difficult time keeping your heart open and trusting in the divine wisdom of the universe. That is no way to live.
When people look into my eyes, I feel they trust me for in my eyes they experience someone who has known pain. Going into your dark and nasty ugliness is tough work. Getting to know your own dark demons is essential if you are to move forward on the path of evolving consciousness. Pretending to be nice, and honest, and sincere all looks fake until you have the done the real work of self-discovery. Only in going toward the darkness, and feeling the pain of your humanity can you discover the brightest of your lights.
In my years of working with men, virtually every man rejects both the teachings and the example of masculinity offered by his father. Our dads gave us tremendous gifts, often of a pure primal nature. While you may reject much of the results of your father’s actions, I invite you to embrace the strengths of the man, the purity of the man, and the essence of his soul. Like it or not, you have the same stuff in you. The work to be done is not to run away from your primal nature. It doesn’t work. You aren’t above it all. You aren’t special. You are your dad and he is you. The work to be done is to get to know the dark side, embrace it, and incorporate it into your being. Out of this process we can all come to tear filled compassion and strength and forgiveness.
Having delved into my dark side with uncompromising regularity, I know and feel my arrogance and my self-righteousness. I know that part of me that wants others to fail. I know that ugly part of me that always wants to tell others how to live their lives. I know the pain of feeling that there isn’t enough love in the world. I know the terror of feeling separate from every living thing. I know the fierceness of what I can become given the right circumstances. Threaten my family and I will kill you. That lives within me. Be dishonest with me and I will express my anger, fearlessly and strong. Nice guys shrug and walk away, laying blame outside of themselves, rarely owning to the anger that is always self-directed. Authentic men stay the course with wisdom and brutally honest words. Authentic men understand that everything they experience, light and dark, is always and only a reflection of themselves.
Only by descending into the darkness can you begin to use all of your powers, rather than your dark side using you. Many fathers provided us with lessons on how the dark energies, left unobserved, can wreak havoc. However, the lesson is not to run from this darkness. Until you integrate all aspects of yourself, you will not be whole. Our dads gave us great gifts, if only we will see them for what they are. The people I trust know themselves. They don’t pretend. They are authentic. They own everything about themselves. There isn’t anything I can say that they don’t already know. Their radiant light shines strong and bright. They have spent many a dark night of the soul. They have died to themselves only to be reborn, each time a more magnificent and radiant self. Delve deep to find the brightest of lights. The only way to the bottom of it, is through the dark bottomless pit. And when you are down there, if you can look the Devil in the eyes and know his pain, Brother, you are on the right track. Then we can party!
