I was raised a Catholic. Seems Catholic are notorious for, among other things, guilt. Catholics are good at feeling guilty. As I look back, I realized I was told about a whole bunch of rules. There were so many rules, there was no way I could live and not break quite a few of those rules. I guess the idea is then I would feel guilty for not following all the rules. Then I would have to go to church to pray for forgiveness, and take communion, to be purified and ready for a new week. That didn’t work for me, so I just stopped being a Catholic at the age of 30. It still seems like a rigged system that won’t allow for free thinking nor personal freedom.
Shame appears to result from something that we judge as “bad” happening. I put bad in quotation marks, because calling something “bad” is a judgment, and not a statement of fact. This is an important point. The same applies to any judgment we call “good.” It is not a statement of fact, but rather a self-imposed judgment, or a label we apply, to an event, a thing, or a person. These self-imposed judgments cause us sadness and misery, and zap us of our life force. These judgments then impact how we live our life, and create a filter through which we see and experience who we are and how we respond to everyday opportunities.
During our Bridge 3-day weekend events, we do a process called the Yellow and Blue Process. It is really simple. On a yellow piece of paper, we write down the three things that we did that causes us the most shame. On the blue piece of paper, we write down the three things that were done to us, that cause us the most shame. We then share these items with the group. It is remarkable how much stuff we carry around, for a lifetime, without sharing it and/or releasing it. I have seen men trembling with fear and embarrassment while sharing the most innocent of experiences. It appears much of this shameful stuff happens just around 6th grade! Just the speaking of the incidents is such a relief. Being heard and understanding that we are not alone, and that we are still loved even after admitting to such things, is purely and positively transformational. We do this process during our first morning together, so you can imagine how amazing the remaining three days are with all that energy freed up. Wowzer.
I know people, so many people from so many weekend, who have shared in circle. These are beautiful people, people who would not harm anyone or anything, people who truly care about other people. These are people committed to transformation. Still, something happened, something bad, something unforeseen, something traumatic, something that they carry around like a battle scar, something that shadows how they live. No intentional damage. Not anything like “I set out to do harm.” No, just something happened, and from that point on, these beautiful people feel shame. You can see it like a grey cloud draping their energy body.
“What is seen as right and normal by society is seen as immature distortion by a free mind.” Vernon Howard
All this shame seems to be a result of social conditioning, whether it is from religions, or some other source, which creates these ridiculously high expectations of how perfect we should all be able to live our lives. What I want to say is “Lighten up! You are doing the best you can. Enjoy it all!” I realize my words are like farts in the wind. An adult who has been told how to live his life, and which rules to follow since birth, isn’t going to change. It is all too ingrained. It is all to regimented, and the tribe is all in agreement, so that is the way it is going to be. But just maybe one person might be moved to be a bit less tough and judgemental, and realize we are not bad people and we are doing the best we can, and life really is about being free, and uncontrolled, and able to evaluate actions without anyone else’s guidance or psychic domination. Perhaps just one person may reclaim their own authority, and not give it away. Just maybe it’s you.
Self sabotage is what happens when we feel shame. Since we feel shame, we convince ourselves that we don’t deserve the amazing life that has been offered to us. Instead, we find ways to accept less, go for less, come up with all sorts of reasons why we don’t have an amazing life, amazing love, amazing people, and amazing experiences. Instead, we see ourselves as bad people, or irresponsible people, or somehow undeserving people, and we screw it up for ourselves. Usually, it is my observation that most don’t even see themselves doing it. Instead, it is just the way it is. We learn to settle for less, and accept that this is our lot in life. How do we free ourselves up from ourselves, from these self imposed prisons and stop self sabotaging?
What we must do is take out the garbage.
Here is a great process or exercise that I will share with you. Write down all the things that you feel shame about. Take your time, and write down everything. Close your eyes for 15 minutes and see what comes up. Write it all down on a piece of paper. Then one night, when you feel ready to let it all go, just as the sun goes down, put the paper in a bowl and light it on fire. The next step is very important. Sit there and watch the paper burn. As you are watching it, feel the guilt lifting from your body. Imaging these clouds of shame, in the form of smoke, lifting up to the sky. Just let them go. Feel whatever emotions you feel. Many people feel sadness during this process, for they have grown comfortable with their shame. Think about it. Without the excuse of shame, what kind of a life are you going to build for yourself. This can be kind of scary. Has the shame impacted your decisions about the work you do, the relationships you are in, and the activities you participate in daily? If you didn’t feel shame, would you treat your body better, and eat healthier food? Would you maybe stop smoking, and start exercising? It is a powerful experience to realize all the pernicious ways shame thwarts us in life.
The toughest healing task to accomplish when feeling shame is to shift the context around the shameful event form being a victim to being author of your life. This is very challenging, especially when something horrific was done to you. The first step is to look at the gifts that have come as a result of the shameful act. Often men have been sexually abused by either their father or other adult men. This is wrong on so many levels, and I can feel my rage rising as I write this and recall the pain I have seen in these men. Still, these men will acknowledge that as a result of what happened, they have obtained some very rare and pristine levels of awareness and sensitivity to the world around them. When the shift can be made to full responsibility and accountability, something amazing happens. The shameful event becomes a launching pad from which one can share rare and glorious gifts. Rather that being a victim mired in shame, I have seen men rise like the phoenix and express a glorious level of aliveness and vitality.
Shame is a bad habit. I suggest we can change our way of being. Go and burn your shame. See what happens. I will end with some Rumi to shift the energy as I conclude this article on shame. Rumi is always good for the soul:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” ― Rumi
“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” ― Rumi
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” ― Rumi,
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” ― Rumi
What is it about me? Sometimes I feel so different. Why can’t we all just admit that this life is pretty amazing! Why can’t we love each other, feel all the joy and bliss this life offers, and forget all the bs? There sure are a bunch of rules. So many people feel so guilty about this and that. We go to church each Sunday to get a weekly cleansing. Why do we think we are dirty? So many beliefs. So many “have to’s.” All of this creates filters through which life is experienced. It makes it hard, and combative, and dehumanizing.
Am I ignorant? Am I blind to the facts of life? Am I too simplistic? Do I belong back in the sixties? Did I take too much ecstasy in my younger days? Have I felt so much pain in this lifetime, that I have come to the point of saying, Enough is Enough! I choose deliriously happy. I don’t need gobs of money. I don’t need travel. I don’t need to be with someone. I am. And that is about as simple and pure as it gets.
1 Second.
During the last couple of years, I have been increasingly aware of how fragile and tender this life that we have truly is. Perhaps as I get older, I realize the party will someday come to an end. Losing a few loved ones to suicide, and a mother in law to illness, points a clearly delineated path to the end. Many of my friends have developed cancer. The clock is ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Perhaps it is the fact that I have experienced such joy, that the end of this life seems all the more pointless and final. And perhaps, just knowing that anything can happen at any time, all entirely out of my control, I more than ever want to grab life by the throat and celebrate all that I have been given.
Today, I received some frightening news. My daughter Paulina, who just turned 15 ½, is now driving. Up until today, this was great news. How exciting for her! When I have visited with her, we drive. She loves to drive, and she is a great driver. I have been training her for the last 3 years. As with all things Paulina does, she does it with excellence.
1 Second.
The difference between life and death.
The news. Paulina was in an automobile accident. She called me, and sounded okay. Shaken, but not hurt. She and her mom were at the auto body shop, making the usual post-accident arrangements, setting up the insurance papers, and getting a rental while the damaged car is in repairs. Looks like they will total the car. Later I heard all the details.
1 Second.
That is what made the difference between my daughter dying today, or just being scared and really shaken up.
1 Fucking Second.
That is how close I came to losing one of my children today. Paulina was driving to her volunteer work. She was driving on a two lane country road, a 55 MPH road, a road with a double yellow line down the center. She had slowed down to make a left hand turn onto the road that would take her to her destination. She had her eyes peeled to make sure there was no oncoming traffic before making the turn. The road was clear, so with her blinker on, she began to make the turn. And BOOM. Some jerk decided to cross over the yellow line, and try to pass Paulina on the left. In all my driving, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone do something so stupid.
His car, a big SUV, destroyed the front left wheel of Paulina’s car. Paulina told me that upon impact, she just burst out in a panic, saying she was sorry for what happened to her Mom’s car. As she said, she “freaked out!” and started crying and screaming and curled up into a ball. When she told me of her experience, all I could think about was what would have happened if the jerk had been 1 second later, or Paulina had been 1 second faster. He would have rammed into Paulina’s door at 55 MPH. It would have been a classic T-Bone. Paulina would not have had a chance to freak out. She would not be with us any longer. The good news is she is only traumatized. The good news is she is alive!
1 Second.
Throughout my life, I have been asked from time to time to be patient, and to sit on the sidelines and wait for a situation to clear up. I am a “make it happen” kind of guy. It is tough when I am asked to let nature take its course. But while I have been on the sidelines, I often wonder, what if? What if tomorrow never comes. What if? What if all amazing plans aren’t given a chance to manifest? What if the sweetest joys are never experienced? What if Paulina never gets to college, never marries, never has children, never travels the world, and never gets to do any of the things I have dreamed for her. What if? What ever happened to Carpe Diem (seize the day!)? It makes me wonder. I am going to watch Dead Poet’s Society again!
1 Second.
In the end, I take a deep breath and I trust. I trust my daughter has a bubble of white light always protecting her. I trust that when the universe throws something magnificent in my life, and I must wait for a while, there is a plan. Since there isn’t really any control, I must trust. Else I feel I would go a bit mad. Life is so beautiful, and my daughter is alive and well. My life has magic in it, and such a passionate and fulfilling future awaits. And if I am honest with myself, my life is quite off the charts amazing just as it is. Still, this accident reminds me of how fragile it all is. This accident also points out how special and fulfilling certain relationship are, such as between a father and his children, and between a man and a woman. Some things in life deserve more focus and attention. In the long run, they are more rewarding.
I will continue to feel the thin (and getting thinner) veil between this world and the other, and cherish the sublime connections I have. I will trust all is happening exactly as it will. And when something as jolting as this bizarre accident raps hard on my heart, I will take all of that pent up love, hold it dear, and share it whenever I feel the calling. This Wednesday evening, I am going to one of Paulina’s music recitals with her brother and mother. I trust that the flute playing will sound particularly wonderful on that night.
1 second.
That is how close I was from another deathly silence.
I am sitting on my bed. It is a special bed. A Brookstone computer pad is sitting on my lap. Erliechda, my trusty HP laptop, is resting just so under my sensitive fingertips. I just fired up ITunes. I had downloaded 192 songs from a collection entitled Music From The World Of Osho. Right now I hear some slow and peaceful flute music. After the day I have had, that feels just about perfect. Hot green tea is resting on the night stand. Let’s stop for a second, allow spirit to fill me, and patiently wait for words to spew forth.
I don’t have to wait long. I have been thinking quite a bit lately about how I live my life, and what is truly important. I have been putting things into the perspective of …”If I knew I only had 6 months to live, would I look back in 6 months and have any regrets?” I know I sure do take the future for granted, like it is definitely going to be there when I am ready. When men attend The Bridge event, they are given the opportunity to participate is a very life affirming ritual in which they confront their own mortality. If this were my last day, how has my life in totality been? What was really important, and what was more or less bullshit? Where did I waste time? Did I spend my time with people that mattered to me? Did I live honorably? Does that matter? In the end, what will I regret? In the end, what will I remember and say “I am so happy that I did that!” or “I can’t believe I let that opportunity pass me by!” It makes me ponder the questions of what is a life well lived. In the end, I choose love.
Last night I had the most remarkable meditation. Normally I sit in a half lotus position when I meditate. Last night, I lied down on my bed. It was a guided meditation which lasted 30 minutes. I liked it so much, and felt so drawn in, that I had to do it a second time. There was one point, when I was at the edge of a lake, and everything became illuminated with a rainbow of color. I was taken away. I did not want to leave this place. It was so pure and still and peaceful.
As I learn to live an unfiltered life, I become increasing aware of how easily I can disappear. During my meditation, my intention was to focus healing energy on a friend who has an injured ankle. When I am in the other place, the astral, the spirit world, the third place, I have learned to travel, and connect, and move energy in ways that I did not know were possible. I remember watching my old teacher, marveling at the things he could do. Now much of it makes sense. I still have plenty to learn. I am also very aware that with this power comes responsibility.
What does it mean to be unfiltered? For me, it means being vulnerable. It means being open. It means living unprotected. It means going for it 100%. As my friend Daniel would say, it means sharing brave open love. It means not always having it figured out. It means daring to let go. It means lightening up. It means accepting and not controlling. It means going against most everything I was taught about protecting myself and not getting hurt. It means living in a space most people stay away from, and being okay with it.
It also means feeling the real depths of love, rather than the mediocrity of convenience. It means living as a true adult, putting aside my teenage ways of being. I mean, what is the point of being here in physical form on this amazing planet, if I am not willing to feel and breath in the true depth of the experience? Being that I am a cancer, and we cancer folk are supposed to be highly sensitive, I feel things rather profoundly. I have known the lacerations of betrayal. I have felt such joy with my children. The promise of a loving partner has filled my sails. The disappointment of expectations unmet and love lost has brought me to tears.
“The world is a wonderfully weird place, consensual reality is significantly flawed, no institution can be trusted, certainty is a mirage, security a delusion, and the tyranny of the dull mind forever threatens — but our lives are not as limited as we think they are, all things are possible, laughter is holier than piety, freedom is sweeter than fame, and in the end it’s love and love alone that really matters.”
― Tom Robbins
Love is a very unique energy. Lately, I have learned to ride the wave of this energy. It is very attractive. It is big and it is intoxicating. I have learned to swim in it. I notice how both men and women are drawn to it. It is irresistible. There is a fearlessness necessary for the real thing to appear, else it is all pretense and that is very unattractive. Love is a current. It is not an agreement. It is not an arrangement of I will love you if you love me back. That is not living unfiltered. That is rather living protected. That is not being vulnerable. That is hedging my bets. It is not courageous. It is not living at my edge.
This last month has sent me to some places energetically and emotionally I have not traveled in a while. The places of courage, willingness, release, surrender, let go, forgiveness, adoration, devotion, betrayal, peace, joy, and returning to the source. None of this is possible in a protected state. Vulnerability is the key. Security is the enemy.
In this vastness where will your ego be? In this vastness where will your suffering be? In this vastness where will your mean mind be? The mediocre mind, where will it be? It cannot be there in such vastness, it simply disappears. It can exist only in a narrow field. It can exist only when it is walled, enclosed, encapsulated. The encapsulation is the problem. Live dangerously and be ready to live in insecurity.
Osho
However, there is a price to pay for this insecurity. For as amazing and beautiful and essentially divine so much of life may seem, and no matter how generous anyone may be in sharing their light, there is a risk of incredible pain. Recently I felt this pain. It is all consuming. Nothing seems to make sense. Everything is muted and dark. At times, I can’t even sit still, for a wave of what can only be called an overwhelming “diabolic bolt of dark energy ” rocks me to my core. In time, it passes. I must breath threw it. I must walk in nature. I must cry hard tears to release it. I must remember that this too shall pass. This is the price. And I will gladly pay it.
So why do it? Why live unfiltered, if there is the possibility of gut wrenching pain. I have asked myself this quite a bit lately, as you might imagine. My answer is that I can’t stop. My spirit simply will no longer allow it. I have no choice. I must live fully. As Helen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” The best way I can say it, is to share a most amazing and true poem that I recently found online. Having spent much time with remarkable women in sacred space, these words reverberate loud and clear.
If you want to change the world… Love a woman – really Love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-every winged one, every furry and scaled one,every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.If you want to change the world…
Love a woman – one woman beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is one Goddess in every woman. Look into Her eyes and see-really see if she is the one to bring the axe to your head. If not, walk away. Right now. Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but when we choose to surrender.
If you want to change the world… Love a woman. Love her for life – beyond your fear of death,beyond your fear of being manipulated by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess through your adoration and devotion.
If you want to change the world… Love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-your double-mindedness and half-hardheartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate-which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman. Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices. What man needs is a Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.
If you want to change the world… Love a woman, just one woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her co-dependence. If you want to change the world…
Love a woman all the way through until she believes you,until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her …
… until she is a force of Love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.
If you want to change the world, lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, righteous anger and Love a woman…beyond all of your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you if you would only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.
What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered through the heart of the feminine, in man or woman?
What if a man’s Love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her (and His) heart?
If you want to change the world… Love a woman to the depths of your shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being, back to the Garden where you first met her, to the gateway of the rainbow realm where you walk through together as Light as One, to the point of no return, to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth…” Anonymous
So many lines in this poem wash over me with layer and layer of meaning. The Grail stands before you. She is the Grail. Falling for the one who calls to my soul and doesn’t make sense describes my calling. Just one woman is all this loyal male seeks. I have sat in so many rooms among so many men, and I know this poem is a minority report. This is not what passes for wisdom or truth out there in the world. That strikes me as sad and ignorant. My port is open. My surrender is complete. I am ready to embrace her. May She honor me in her time.
A few months ago, I was sweating it out in a very hot sauna at Coach’s Corner in Sebastopol. The man next to me, who worked in hospice care, told me about an article on the regrets of the dying. I found it and want to share it with you.
Bonnie Ware, an Australian nurse who provides palliative care for dying patients, has recorded their most common regrets. One of the top ones is “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Finally, this week has reminded me that the universe will always only give me what I can handle. I can trust that I am being watched over, and that I am being held in a safe warm place. After a really bad day, then comes a truly magnificent and miraculous day. It is a day to let go of the past, and embrace what is now showing up for me. My light has found new places to shine. I have attempted to live valiantly and give everything I have to those that I love. If I died tomorrow, I will know I did not play it safe and protected. I opened my soul, shared all I have, and loved like a true heart warrior. No Regrets!
Today was a phenomenal day. In a way, it felt like the first day of my life. How can that be, you may well ask. I can’t really say what is going on too specifically, as it is new and fairly full on. Today, I was able to speak to some of my male friends in a very different way. It was profound. It was tender. We connected on a much deeper level. We came to an understanding, which hitherto was not available.
As you may or may not know, I have spent a great deal of time in personal development workshops. I have traveled with a great mystic to learn of subtle energy. I have drunk Ayahuasca in the rain forests of Peru with a powerful Shaman. I have initiated and been initiated dozens of times over the last 20 years. One evening a few year back, I even baptized men in the Pacific Ocean! Many of these events are for men only. The Bridge is an example of a men only workshop. There is another event called The Grail which I have done 10 times. This event is guided by three women. It may seem odd that a men’s workshop is guided by women, but I will be the first to tell you that in its own sacred way, it works. While it is wonderful to be in sacred space with men and men alone, The Grail provides a whole different set of issues (like dealing with women) that come up much more frequently and powerfully with women in the space.
During some Grails, I have heard many of my friends and fellow participants refer to their wife, or their partner, or even their girlfriend as their “beloved.” Often times the man would be crying, just thinking about his“beloved” while in the sacred space of The Grail. I just looked at them sort of dumbfounded. I thought to myself, “Dude, what is that all about?” Or I would glance with derision and sort of laugh to myself. “What is the big deal, it is just a woman!” I am not alone. There are other men like me who are jaded, who may have been really hurt by women, or been angry with women, or just not all that connected to women.
Well, something has happened to me. Some layer of my protective shell has been melted. My vulnerability seems to be peaking at a new high. I feel really open, totally exposed, and willing to take big risks. I am going to try to put it into words the best I can, because I think this is really important. This opening has led to a powerful increase in perception, and a knowing that my life will have far more joy than I ever imagined possible. Seems like pretty good stuff.
There is truly something powerful and beautiful to behold in a male-female relationship. I just never got that. For me, being in a relationship was convenient, it was a way to have children, it was comfortable, and it was more satisfying than being alone. This now seems incredibly short sighted of me, but I can only tell you how it was for me. Now I am beginning to understand and feel the tangible magic of the alchemy that is available. It truly is magic. One plus one equals way more than two. One plus one can equal divinity.
Today I was sharing some recent experiences with some of my friends. We talked about a blog I wrote, and about my feelings of late. What it felt like to me was I had returned from a war, and when I shared my war stories, the other men had also recently returned from war, and our experiences were very similar. With some there were tears and others big belly laughs. I guess I was at war for a much longer time than some, and so did not know what was possible. I felt such a connection with these men. And these are men I know very well. We have been in many workshops together, gone through some seriously intense shit, and still, there was this underlying connection that I was missing. Unbelievable!
I am also aware that this has nothing to do with sex. For all the attention that sex gets in our society, this magic, this male-female connection, this portal to higher perception, is not about sex. I can say this for a fact since I know I am not having any sex right now. It is something much deeper, which can be expressed in a gesture, a touch, a word, or even an unspoken feeling. Our society is immersed in sex. Sex is all over the movie screens and television sets. And yet, it seems in this alchemical blending that sex is more of an afterthought, more of an overt expression, while the more subtle expressions of love carry far more substance and impact.
It all makes me wonder what is going to happen to me when I do have sex again? Maybe I will levitate again!
Another question that came up during my conversations today: Is there only one soul mate, only one person who can meet you or me so completely? I don’t know, and I don’t care. It seems to me, when you do meet someone, and there is this magical connection, don’t think, don’t compare, and don’t rationalize. Rather, as the samurai teach:
“The Way of the Samurai is one of immediacy, and it is best to dash in headlong.”Hagakure, The Way of the Samurai.
Just this weekend, I watched the movie Ghost Dog, one of my favorite movies which I have not watched in several years. I saw that quote, and was bowled over. It reminded me of a quote my Dad use to tell us: “He who hesitates is lost.”
This last weekend, I wrote a piece about what I want. Since writing that, so many little ideas and details about my life have come to the surface. For example, I think it would be great to work with my partner, as in creating an amazing project together that feeds us both and uses our individual gifts. I also want to do a bunch of cooking at home. I really enjoy cooking, and would like to be with someone who enjoys food as well. And, well, since I am at it, auburn hair and great legs would be icing on the cake. Why not have it all?
I am excited about my next men’s event. It is The Bridge on July 19th – 22nd. This awakening brings a whole new level to my energy, to my words, and to the intention of The Bridge. It feels like I can bring this awareness into the circles. Rather than derision, I can bring some compassion. The bottom line for me is that my heart is expanding, and that is always a good thing. More trembling, and crying, and marveling, and observing in awe. I don’t know what the future holds, nor which of God’s creatures will share my life, but this is a real good start. Today truly is the first day of the rest of my life. Ho!
Sometimes I write because I have something to say. Other times I write in an effort to work something out. This is the latter. Today was a day just like any other. I woke up around 4:30. I made my bed, got my things together, and headed off to Gold’s Gym. While I was burning off 700 calories on the elliptical machine, I started to think about what my life will look like as I head into the third act.
It feels like my life is at ground zero. I have a fresh start. Anything is possible. I am good things about to happen. The world is my oyster. Yet, if I am not crystal clear about what I want, then I won’t get what I want. Instead, I will get something else, and that is not what I want.
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there!” Lewis Carroll
This I know to be true. And still, there is this dance with the universe. I spent a good deal of my life not wanting anything. I felt there was no point in wanting anything, because the universe was going to provide, and point and prod me one way or the other, so I might as well keep my desires out of the equation, and just roll with it.
And then there was this blinding light and I realized something very profound. There are things that I want.
There are certain preferences that I have. There are activities that bring me joy, and activities that do quite the opposite. It is not about things for me. It hasn’t been for a while. It is about feelings. It is about experiences. It is about spiritual expansion. It is about sharing. It is about being with others who are playing the same game. When I was in the sauna this morning, I thought of this example. I would rather work hard and use my self will and discipline to become flexible enough to sit comfortably for hours in the lotus position, than have a fancy expensive car to drive around. The lotus position is for me a door way to other worlds, to inner peace, to what feels like my true nature, while the car is just a thing. For some, driving a fantastic car brings tremendous joy. More power to them. We all have different wants and pleasures. What a great playground we have!
So what brings me joy? What do I want?
When I think of the phrase “What I want!” I am reminded of a powerful scene from The Godfather. Michael Corleone is telling Sollozzo want he wants. They are speaking Italian, and Michael is frustrated because he can’t think of the words in Italian, so he abruptly shifts the energy and speaks in English: “What I want…What’s most important to me…”
Stating what I want is a unique challenge for me. I feel vulnerable when I do it. I feel human. I feel clarity. I feel the inkling of a vision. I feel a heart opening. I feel an invitation to be met.
I have lived a lot of life during my first 50 years. Now married and divorced twice. I have four children that call me Dad. There have been remarkable journeys around the world. 20 years of smoking and I quit 2 years ago. I have loved people, and lost people. Deaths and suicides. I still have my parents alive and kicking, although my Dad is definitely on the decline. All my friends seem to be losing their Dads these days so I feel blessed to be able to spend time with mine. I have tried almost every kind of mind altering experience imaginable: drugs, therapies and rituals. I have been in some very dark places. I understand why people kill themselves. And I have also seen some of the most exquisite light I can imagine. There is a cenote in Playa Del Carmen that will blow your mind. I have an amazing fraternity of male friends and remarkable women to reach out to. I feel blessed to still be here with such opportunity in front of me. I am healthy and getting healthier. I don’t take any prescription drugs, my cholesterol is good, my blood pressure is perfect, and I can bend over and put my palms on the ground. And it looks like I am going to be doing some DXS workouts, so who knows how much healthier and glowing I may become.
So what do I want? I know I want my eggs poached in water for 4 minutes.
There are a few things that I want because they give me joy when I use them. I really miss my hot tubs. In my life, I have had a few amazing hot tubs. My sign is cancer and I do well in water. I have always smoked in my hot tubs, so that will be different. I also want an outdoor fire pit. I have had a powerful relationship with fire especially during the last 10 years. I have enjoyed sitting around at night, a red wine and a warm fire, with the stars and moon overhead. Ever notice how the energy is much more magical at night than during the day? I’d also like the space to have a sweat lodge. There are few things in life that bring me joy like sitting in a sweat lodge, praying with all my heart along with a group of others, purifying my body while also cleansing my soul. I’d also like my home to be private. I don’t mind driving a longer distance to go home if that provides me with privacy. I work all day with people, and when I come home, I’d rather not have neighbors too close.
Regarding my work life, I want a job that utilizes my gifts. When I feel I am using my gifts, I am satisfied. I have taken jobs in the past for the money, and it hasn’t worked for me. I also need to blend what I call “men’s work” into my life. I have attended some 20 or so men’s events over the past 10 years. Each event has enriched me and reminded me that life is so full and mysterious and glorious. It is impossible for me to imagine not continuing with this activity in one form or another. This July I am hosting an event called The Bridge and I can already begin to feel my energy rising, as it always does, leading up to an event.
I want to travel. There is so much of the world to see. I couldn’t be in a relationship with some who was content living in the US without getting out to see the world. There is so much of Europe to explore. Japan. Rio. Marrakesh. New Zealand. Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. Seeing real live African animals in Africa. So much. So much.
I want to continue to tone and strengthen my body through exercise, stretching and diet. In January of this year, I felt fat. To quote author A.J. Jacobs who has a book entitled Drop Dead Healthy, I felt “ashamed of a middle-aged body best described as “a python that swallowed a goat,” I weighed myself and was 240! Yikes. Since then I have altered my diet, started a workout regimen, and stuck to it. Just today, I weighed in at 215. 3 months, 25 pounds of weight loss. And I could stand to lose another 15. I feel lighter, more energetic, and best of all, my memory has dramatically improved. Most of my male friends are older than me, and they all report experiencing memory loss. I was walking into rooms, and not remembering why I was there. That has all stopped since I began my workout routine and high protein, low carb diet. RIP Jay the Smoker!
I want a companion to share my life. There, I said it!
That is a hard one for me to put right out there. For years, I and my self-proclaimed evolved ego stated that I was A-OK being alone, and that if I never had another relationship, that would be fine. Well, it would be fine, but my strong preference is to be in a loving and supportive relationship. Look, I was most recently married for 20 years, and even though it had its hard spots, it was mostly great. It is over now, and let’s see what the future holds.
I was talking with a friend about marriage, and she said the thing she missed the most is the ease. It is such a peaceful feeling to sit on a sofa with someone you know well, have some history with, and just be, just hang, just share space. Whether we watch tv, or read books, or play Words with Friends, it is a wonderful port to return to every day. It’s great to know someone has your back, and you have their back. I’d like someone to grow old with.
And then there is the partner I want. What do I want in a partner? Until recently, I hadn’t really thought about it. For years, I have stated that the woman in a relationship really doesn’t matter. They are all essentially the same. They all have some great qualities, and some other qualities that will drive me crazy. David Deida states:
“The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer _____________ (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way (whatever you filled in the blank with). Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you. You can’t escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much. The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.” David Deida
Ok, I get that. I have often forgotten it. But right now I get it.
What are qualities I adore, and want in my partner?
First, I must be attracted to her. It is important that I wake up and look at her and marvel at my unbelievable good fortune that someone so beautiful (physically and spiritually) would have ended up with a guy like me. I also must feel that she gets me and loves me for who I am. This is hard to find, and my experience is that you can’t go looking for it, but rather it just shows up. Third is that I love her. This may seem obvious, but it is easy to get swept up in something, passion and fantasy, and not really have those deep, powerful, “you have my heart in your hands” feelings. If I think of her being hurt in any way, does my rage fire up? Do I feel protective? Would I do anything to keep her safe? When I think of her, do I smile inside?
There are a few other things that are important when I think of a partner. Do we have similar feelings about how we want to live our lives? Are we going in the same direction? Are we both fairly well adjusted? Have we both worked out our major issues and are we in a place where we can live and enjoy each other. We all have our pasts, but can I live in accordance with it, rather than at the effect of it? Is our vision for and commitment to being partners the same?
What else do I want?
I want certain things in the place that I live. It is very important to me that I have a space that I can call my own. I need a spot that I can sit in, and be quiet. It is not a man cave, but more of a zen dojo. While I do want the companionship, I also need the freedom to be me alone and separate from my partner. I have seen so many relationships suffer by suffocation. The spark dies. The individuality is extinguished. People forget who they are, or who they were. I don’t want to be that couple. It is a fine balance in which sensitivity and awareness lead the way, moment by moment.
What else?
I want my children to be happy.
So there you have it, at least for now. Thanks for reading as I jotted down my want list. It has helped me to get clearer about my future. Michael Corleone knew what he wanted. I know better now what I want. I invite you to take some time and write down what you want. You may be surprised at what you find. And if you believe in the law of attraction, this is the first step. I just got a clear picture of what I want.
