Recently, I attended a men’s event called The Grail in Kansas City, MO. In the event, there was a young man in his twenties who, until this time, hadn’t felt the freedom to express his true feelings. He spoke of how his friends, and various girls he had approached to go out on a date, treated him with disdain. In a beautiful expression of rage, he screamed out “Fuck em all!” I do love to see those moments of clarity, rare as they are. Later in the event, I had a chance to acknowledge this young man. I said “I honor your willingness to walk your own path. Like you, I am a tribe of one.” A friend of mine asked me about that comment, and I did not respond at the time. Now, I see this same type of rage building in my own family, and I reminded of the truth of my statement: “I am a tribe of one.”
“In what concerns you much, do not think that you have companions: know that you are alone in the world.”
Henry David Thoreau
This is one real bitch of a lesson.
From the day I was born, I was led to believe I was a member of many tribes. First, there was the tribe of my family. Next, there was the tribe of my religion. Every Sunday my family would go to Mass and celebrate a ritual in honor of this tribe. Then there were the tribes of my school mates, my friends, and even of my pets. I belonged. It felt good to belong. Somehow it felt safe and secure to be surrounded by like minded individuals (and a dog named Rascal).
In my experience, so much of life is about un-learning. In my early twenties, I soon realized I was absolutely not a part of the Catholic Church tribe. Too many rules. So many things simply didn’t make any sense when contrasted to my experience of life. However, when I declared my resignation from the tribe, I was met with a strong voice from my family, a voice of disapproval. I have come to learn that when one leaves the tribe, the remaining tribe members display a wide range of emotions of upset: anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. Dealing with this disapproval, and understanding it’s deep, underlying and dark roots, is a seminal piece of the life long process of waking up. It forces one inward.
Next, again in my twenties, I determined that being married simply was something I could no longer do. I had been married for 7 years, had two children, and was completely miserable. Of course, looking back, I can now see that the misery was my own, and that blaming it on my wife was very childish. But at the time, my reality was such that I believed changing my external world would impact my internal world, and moving on was the right decision.
Well, here again, getting a divorce brings up a titanic deluge of disapproval, not only from close family members, but from anyone who is married. I was the first in my family to get a divorce. My parents are still married, as are my two brothers. It is not too strong to say that my divorce created such a rift in my family, that my membership was temporarily revoked. I was no longer a part of the tribe of my immediate family. I was not invited to Thanksgiving, nor was I spoken to. It was some months later that my father approached me and rekindled communication. I have never felt the same about my family. Whatever happened during this time, I was no longer a part of the tribe. And again, I learned how the other tribe members respond when one of their own either breaks the rules or leaves.
Just yesterday, I was taking a day off from work and watching an episode of “The Sopranos.” Tony Soprano was talking to Christopher (his nephew) and explaining to him how friends will always let you down. “In the end, it is only family that you can count on.” I would have to say that Tony Soprano is wrong, and when pushed hard enough, friends and family will not be there. In the end, there is only the tribe of one.
Now there is yet another tribe which attracts those who have rejected various tribes such as religion, marriage, government and family. It is deceptive, for when you join this tribe; it feels like you really belong. It is the tribe of no-tribe of which Stuart Wilde coined the phrase “fringe dwellers.” I hang out with a few groups that loosely fall into this classification. In my home town of Sebastopol, California, you see the green tribes everywhere. Many tribe members even wear a sort of uniform to let everyone know they have exited the mainstream, and live a supposed life of freedom from all the “bullshit.” Hemp clothing is a big clue. Talking about crystals, moon phases, and the next music festival are also strong clues. However, here again, as I have often done, when I speak my truth, I get a strong dose of disapproval and ego-based self righteousness. Again, I am not a member of the tribe. I may enjoy playing with the members of this tribe the most, but I am not a member. I remain on the outside looking in, often wondering why I am the only one to see the farce of the security of the tribe.
Now let’s look at this from a deeper place. Why is there a need to be a part of a tribe? Where does the demanding desire to be secure come from? I would say it comes from a lack of trust. And that lack of trust comes from a profound ignorance. If one does not understand the nature of this reality, one will always be clinging to another, for there is the false belief there is another to cling to. This is pretty heavy stuff, certainly it will make most upset, but it must be said.
The God Fraud. Virtually all cultures on this planet have a belief is a supreme deity. Here in America, for the most part, we just refer to this being as God. Most are raised to believe in God. Political and religious institutions ram this belief down our throats from the day we are born. “God bless America.” It is even on our money: “In God We Trust.” The belief goes like this: There is a supreme being, and his (or her, if you are a member of the Goddess tribe) job is to listen to your prayers, and take care of you. The more you live your life a certain way, and follow the rules, the better your life will be. And if you can also honor his son, Jesus, well then you are in really good shape. All your troubles will melt away. Hence is born the God tribe. When all is lost and you are forlorn, you can always join up with God, and feel that safety and security for which most long. I have heard expressions like “I was saved!” or “I was born again!” to express the jubilation of joining the God tribe.
Now just on face value, these are all beliefs. Not one person who proclaims the word of God really knows for sure that they are either saved or born again, or for that matter, that they are going to some place called heaven. It is a belief, and there is only shaky evidence at best that any of this holds any merit. When I point this out to members of the God tribe, I am mocked and told I need to have faith. I must say that whoever invented faith really understood the game. Without faith, there is no God. With faith, there is God. So if I don’t buy into the god paradigm, I must need some faith. The problem is all mine, and those that have faith can get all self righteous in their feigned knowledge and security.
I don’t do faith. My mind simply won’t allow me any longer to believe in anything. If I experience something and know it to be true, then I have something to say. If anyone is going to tell me that I must believe, or trust, or have faith, then I will tell them they aren’t looking deep enough. There is no there…there. I have looked deep. I have a powerful innate drive to dig as deep as necessary into my seedy murky dark side to get to some truth. Superstitions don’t interest me. God is a superstition.
So what do I know to be true? My experience of my life is mine.
Hold on.
Just heard a sound in the living room. I went to see what happened. It sounded like something fell. I kid you not. My business partner had left a book on a shelf. That book has been sitting on the shelf for over a month. And then, just a few minutes ago, that book fell to the ground as I was writing this blog. The name of the book is “The Buddha In Daily Life” by Richard Causton. Synchronicity, when noticed, can bring me such a sense of joy and wonder. I went to the book and opened it to the page with the business card book mark. Here is what stands out:
The state of complete mental “not-being” described so graphically by Proust (and with characteristic scientific restraint by Professor Borbely) is highly significant, for it could point to a level of consciousness in “delta sleep” which is even deeper than that experienced when dreaming. If so, this suggest evidence for what Buddhism calls the ninth, or fundamental, pure consciousness. This can be described as “the very core of our life,” or the pure, undefiled and inexhaustible life-force of the universe. In Buddhism it is equated variously with myoho, chu, or the Middle Way, the true entity of life, Buddhahood, and Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. In other words, the ninth consciousness is the source of energy for all our mental and spiritual activity, and is the power behind the “mechanical” energy which causes our physical selves – our bodies – to function; in short, it is what sustains us throughout eternity. When we sleep, then, there may be periods when we are able to directly “tap into” this consciousness, the pure life-force of the universe inherent within us and of which we are a part. This would certainly account for how sleep restores our energy, since the life-force seems to come out of nowhere and miraculously revive our spiritual and physical organism.
Could it be that we are somehow “recharged by the universe” when we are asleep? The idea may not be as fanciful as it sound for, in quoting the following passage from the Chuang-tzu, a Chinese Taoist text of the third century BC, even Professor Borbely may have an inkling along these lines: “Everything is one; during sleep the soul, undistracted, is absorbed into this unity,’ when awake distracted, it sees the different beings.”
And it is exactly that distraction which brings about the illusion of others, and the subsequent desire to connect with others in a tribe in a search for our natural state of unity. I marvel at the brilliance of the universe. Ain’t it cool! As a part of the universe, I feel my role, or the path of least resistance (and henceforth, suffering) is to get in alignment with the universe. I am constantly feeling into situations and circumstances. For example, let’s take this blog. During an event, I made a mindless comment about a tribe of one. Later, one of my brothers asked me about the comment. Then for a few weeks, the concept of a tribe of one kept resonating in my thoughts. At this point it seems clear I ought to sit down and write about it. And then, BAM!, a book falls to the ground. This book could have fallen days and weeks ago. But no, it fell at the exact moment of this writing. Not only am I writing what I feel to be true, but I am also learning from the universe in the form of a fallen book.
“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” Three Dog Night
What a crock of shit! Last night, I downloaded Three Dog Night’s greatest hits. Here is more synchronicity. I downloaded the CD for the songs “Eli’s Coming” because there is a Sales Representative in my company named Eli, and for “Joy To The World” because I performed it during an 8th grade talent show. Taking a break from the writing, I remembered my download and hit the play button. The first song starts with the phrase “One is the loneliest number.” Experiences like this use to seem weird and strange and I would want to share them with others, building my ego with comments about my expanded awareness. Now they seem common place. They are still very cool, but they happen all the time when I slow down and pay attention.
In my experience, it is true that there can be a tremendous amount of pain which accompanies separation from a tribe. A dear friend of mine is now going through a separation from her immediate family. As I see it, her energy has recently risen, and those who can’t handle the energy, are rejecting her. Not only is it a lesson in letting go, but in also honoring the powerful direction of the universe. Some things can’t be undone. You can’t un-pop a balloon. And why would you want to? Our powerlessness is complete and undeniable. There is a choice: I can row the boat in the direction of the current, or struggle and suffer and row against the current, all because I think I know what is best, or what is right. Who am I to judge? I am nobody.
“To realize your true nature, you must wait for the right moment and the right conditions. When the time comes, you are awakened as if from a dream. You understand that what you have found is your own and doesn’t come from anywhere outside.”
Buddhist Sutra
I feel blessed, for I have had this moment. It happened some four years ago on a beach in Bodega Bay. When it happened, I knew it had happened. It is unmistakable. I knew that single moment in all my life experience was the culmination of a tremendous amount of work. No moment would ever match it. I was done, complete and ready to die. Yet here I am, so it seems the universe still has plans for me. I smoke because I like it. I eat what I like. I fuck who I like. When it is my time, call in the clowns. I have met only one other person who I believe to have had this experience, which Jed McKenna refers to as living with “abiding non-dual awareness.” I have seen a few on DVD, and read the words of others in books. Perhaps there are many out there and my awareness needs more fine tuning. I don’t know. I don’t care. The most preposterous tribe to even consider is one of the awakened. It’s anathema. Verboten. Ridiculous. If there is no other, how can there be a tribe?
I spend quite a bit of my time alone. People ask me if I ever get lonely. To deflect more questions, I reply with something like “I am weird, I just don’t get lonely.” This usually works to stop the line of questioning. You see, I have no interest in sharing my experiences, unless I am called upon to do so. When called, I answer, as is demonstrated by this blog. Bottom line, I am in love with my tribe of one. To experience oneness is to experience everything at once. I am a part of this computer, and my printer, and my candles and pictures. We share the same cells. We breath the same air. We are all 99% space, with little bits of matter spinning around at light speed. Could the illusion of solidity be any more transparent? I imagine myself in this reality as a sort of soup of cells mixed in with all the other soups of cells all swimming around it the ultimate bowl of cosmic soup.
In closing, I invited you to look at the tribes of which you feel you are a part. Can you interact with the tribe without being dependant on the tribe for your happiness? If not, then what is it within you that feels it needs anything whatsoever from another. Then the next question to ponder: Is there another? Another great question: If there is no other, then who am I? This is the question that will really get things moving.
More synchronicity from the universe. As I complete this blog, I am listening to the song Shambala:
Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrow, wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala
How does your light shine, in the halls of Shambala
Everyone is helpful, everyone is kind
On the road to Shambala
Everyone is lucky, everyone is so kind
On the road to Shambala
How does your light shine, in the halls of Shambala
I can tell my brother by the flowers in his eyes
On the road to Shambala
I can tell my sister by the flower in her ear
On the road to Shambala
After hearing this song, I googled Shambala and found the following:
It is the Shambhala view that every human being has a fundamental nature of goodness, warmth and intelligence. This nature can be cultivated through meditation, following ancient principles, and it can be further developed in daily life, so that it radiates out to family, friends, community and society.
In the course of our lives, this goodness, warmth and intelligence can easily become covered over by doubt, fear and egotism. We tend to fall into a kind of sleep or stupor, believing in the conditioning we have as the ultimate truth, and coming under the sway of fear. The journey of becoming fully human means seeing through fear and egotism, and waking up to our natural intelligence. It takes kindness—to ourselves and others—and courage, to wake up in this world. The journey of awakening is known as the path of the warrior, as it requires the simple bravery to look directly at one’s own mind and heart. www.shambhala.org
Arrogant bastard that I am, swirling in a sea of synchronicity, I am complete. Thank you for reading.
Mastery is a state of being which puts an end to all suffering.It is our default state. Yet few, very few, experience it. Why? Simple really… the road to mastery is strewn with suffering.One cannot become a master without going through the suffering. There is no going around it. Until one stops trying all the intricate way we have at our disposal to navigate around the hard work, little if anything is accomplished. Rather than embrace our natural state, we run, really run, in the opposite direction. We are like Forrest Gump. “Run Forrest, Run!” Rather than sacrifice in place, we hightail it to the next pleasurable experience.Our lives are a serious of state changes.
“The only way to get to the bottom of it, is through the dark, bottomless pit” Jay Cradeur
In short, we suffer, we look for something, anything, to stop the suffering, and we move towards it and away from mastery.We are state change junkies.Rather than be Human Beings, we are Human State Changers.
It breaks out like this.A man feels bored so he masturbates.A woman feels bored so she shops.We all have free time and we watch television.Few are the men and women who will face the fire and stop moving.Few will sit in the place of boredom, or anger, or lust,and feel it through and through.
We are trained state change artists.Masturbating, shopping, eating, talking, internet, television, books, work, relationships, children, sleeping, workshops, movies, drinking, and (add your own) all serve as ways for us to change our state.We seem to want to walk a middle ground, stay in the same safe emotional range, and not sway too far from one side to the other.Not too happy and not too sad.Better to be in the safe middle part, because that part we know.
The path to enlightenment, to mastery, isn’t pretty.To quote Richard Rose:
“Look, if you ever want to discover anything of importance,” he said with great seriousness, “you’ve got to get this Pollyanna crap out of your heads. People think they can indulge in whatever whim overpowers them at the moment, and that somehow this ‘spontaneity’ is going to transform them into a wonderful spiritual creature that God just can’t resist loving. This is nonsense.”
This action of changing state is the real killer. It kills our birthright of freedom. Why is it that when you buy a new car, you feel good? Why is it that when your new car gets in an accident you feel bad? What fucking difference does it make it the long run? Why feel good or bad about anything? How many times do we need to have an experience to recognize there is no special in special? There is a puppet master pulling the strings and nobody sees the strings.
Here is a prayer I often use:
I am eternal
I am infinite
I am grateful
I am nothing
Nothing doesn’t burn
Every feeling is a learned behavior. Certain things make you feel good, and certain things make you feel bad. Doesn’t anybody want to dig even a little bit deeper and ask the question: Why? What are the value systems that are in place? Where did they come from? You have money – Good. You don’t have money – Bad. Says who? Why do we think we are any better or any happier than the guy who lives on the street with his shopping cart?
I need a little Thoreau right now:
As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.
Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?
Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends… Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.
I see state change every where.Everyone is so uncomfortable with experiencing the present moment.At the heart of the this is the Ego.Rather than accept what the universe delivers to us, we move away.Rather than take the shortest path to mastery, we walk, no, we run, in the other direction.
I am reminded of the recommended solution for a partner that has betrayed and had sex with someone else.Rather than sit with the feelings, and figure out why it hurts as it does, we say “Go have sex with someone else.”State change.Yet, when you look at this situation in the objective light of day, if he or she wants to have sex with someone else, why not?If someone isn’t in to you, why do you want them to stick around.It makes no sense.Wish em well and send them off.But no, it would be better to go have sex with someone else as quickly as possible.Makes no sense.
We create these worlds of insulation, all to stay in the middle ground.Note to reader:
There ain’t nothin’ that happens in the middle ground.It all happens around the sharp and jagged edges.
Rather than saying to the universe: “Hit me with your best shot”, we run and hide and protect and cover up so that we don’thave to experience the uncomfortable.Where did we learn to run and hide (another way to say “state change”)?
I am not interested in people who, when I ask them how they are doing, say “Good” all the time.I am interested in my brothers and sister who are in the struggle, who are willing to feel the pain and not run from it.For me, these people are alive.Everyone else is dead, living in some prefabricated fantasy for which only the harshest of life experiences will create any sort of awakening.
We live in a world of zombies, all with the same goals, all with the same feelings, all with the same beliefs, all so shit sure they are living a full life.Where is the questioning?Where is the desire to know thyself?Where is the thrill of a life lived in the unknown?
I had an experience of Samadhi some four years ago.During those hours, it was made clear to me that this life is an illusion.The idea that we are separate beings seemed preposterous.I felt in that experience that I could die having achieved what I came here to do.It was a blessing and a curse, for now I am still here, seeing the world through unfiltered eyes.Part of me has wants to scream out at the top of my lungs, something like “Wake up!!!”There is another part of me that recognizes everything is as it is and that is just about perfect. And.. there is yet another part of me that feels that any efforts on my part would be about as significant as farting in the wind. We all have our own paths to follow.
The Divine Process is not magic. You must respond. Beings must respond. You must do the work. Otherwise, you are controlled by the structures of your own adaptation, and no great thing occurs. Adi Da
In the process of self exploration, something shifts which creates an opening, a focal point through which the universe can speak directly.The more I read and study, it seems this is the common experience.It isn’t light flashes and a permanent state of bliss.It isn’t anything really.It is discovering nothing.It is realizing that the ego is nothing more than a little voice of distraction.It is not me and it is not you.The ego is the gatekeeper, who keeps telling us to move towards the comfortable.The ego thrives in the comfortable.Life is lived on the edge, far from the comfortable.To get to the edge, stand still.It will find you.And so I walk my way through this existence, speaking to those who want to hear, and not caring one way or the other whether I am only talking to myself.
“My purpose is to deprogram you, to clean you, to uncondition you and leave you fresh, young, innocent. And from there you can grow into a real, authentic individual.”
And the only way to bring consciousness is to go on hammering from all the sides so that slowly slowly chunks of your mind go on dropping. The statue of a buddha is hidden in you. Right now you are a rock. If I go on hammering, cutting chunks out of you, slowly slowly the buddha will emerge.”
“Now, for those of you who don’t know, this ain’t a debatin’ society, and it sure as hell ain’t a democracy. I ain’t standin’ here tryin’ to win your approval or sell you on my particular brand of bullshit. We ain’t doin’ no meditatin’ or chantin’, we ain’t mergin’ with our mantras or tryin’ to cleanse our minds or purify our souls or get all happy or earn our eternal ree-ward, and we sure as hell ain’t tryin’ to save the world or rescue our fellow man. All we’re tryin’ to do here, the only goddamn thing, is figure out what the hell’s goin’ on. That’s it. If you don’t find that to be a worth-while use of your time, or if think you already know, then clear out and come back when you don’t need to be dragged kickin’ and screamin’ every inch of the way.
Spritual Warfare by Jed McKenna
Life on earth is such a contradiction! At times, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say “For Fuck’s sake!” On the one hand, I live in an American society that highly prizes wealth and opulence. “Follow your dreams.” “Visualize success.” “Work hard young man and you will make it.” “Have you seen The Secret?” “Create a vision board and look at it every morning and night.” “Outwit, outsmart, out play.” We look at the rich and think they figured it out, they have it made, they must be so very, very happy. Well, I have been rich, and I have been poor. What I know for sure is when I was rich, I was asleep, gourging on my accomplishments, gently petting my ego for leading me to the top, and forgetting that all I had achieved wasn’t worth a pile of dung with regards to answering the question: “What’s Goin’ On?”
It is a very frustrating experience, knowing that achieving wealth isn’t going to nurture my soul, yet finding myself in a society that tells me the opposite. I watch television and notice all the blatant and subtle messages guiding everyone to the false promise land of trendy new clothes, fast cars, and opulent mansions on the hill. Lifetimes are spent in pursuit of these false idols, and for many, there is no wake up call, no life shattering incident that jars us from our delusion stupor. For many, it is not their time. For others, it is their time, and it is a tough time at best. At worst, it is a living hell until all the debris is cleaned from the interior. I know the direction I am to go, and yet there are so many distractions, damned attractive distractions, that lure me onto the inevitable side roads of life.
If I had my way, I would simply stop, take two years off, travel the world, and experience different cultures. In my travels, I would focus on writing down every feeling that comes up, and delving into it until I understand exactly what makes me tick. I would constantly ask myself questions like “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” and “What’s goin’ on?” But… I can’t do that! I can’t just stop living this life. I have responsibilities. I have a wife and daughter who depend on me. I have a business with clients and employees who need my attention. How do you handle all the tasks, and still find time to delve deep within, and stay there, and do the necessary work in pursuit of an accurate answer to the question: “What’s goin on?”
I do my best, which I suppose is all any of us can do. I make time to write. I write this blog to get some thoughts out of my head and put them on paper where I can noodle around with them more objectively. I am writing a book which allows my mind to run wild and explore other worlds, other dimensions, making them real and tangible. I attend, organize and facilitate various initiation ritual events to keep opening myself up to things I don’t yet understand. I do a ton of reading, mostly the same books many times over, in order to hammer my sieve like brain with key concepts that make sense to me. I am in an intimate relationship with several men and women who constantly push my buttons, allowing me to stew in my own shit and confront my own false beliefs. It is a beautiful life when it is. It is a hellish existence when it is. I do my best.
So what’s goin on? I am ever so tired of the bullshit. I bristle when I am around a group of people and the talk centers around work, the economy, falling 401K values, and home improvement. I hate it. Stick a share stick in my eye so I can leave the room. It works for most people so have at it. Am I that different? Am I a freak of nature? Often it feels like it. I have come to realize I am not good dinner company. It is better to leave me at home with good books and my laptop. I am reaching a point of what feels like collapse, as if I don’t want to play the game any longer. Frankly, I don’t give a damn what happens to me or anyone else. I feel like a prisoner, a slave, a worker bee, a fly buzzing around the shit hole of life. Sometimes I think I would rather be homeless. Then I would have the time to focus on what is really important to me. Am I being selfish? I sure hope so!
To Clutch At Madness
Conventional opinion is the ruin of our souls,
Something borrowed which we mistake as our
own.
Ignorance is better than this; clutch at madness
instead.
Always run from what seems to benefit your self:
Sip the poison and spill the water of life.
Revile those who flatter you;
Lend both interest and principal to the poor.
Let security go and be at home amid dangers.
Leave your good name behind
and accept disgrace.
I have lived with cautious thinking;
Now I’ll make myself mad.
Rumi
Fuck it all. Burn it all to hell. Release me from these goddamn attachments. I have taken the red pill, and yet I still find myself in the matrix. Neo had it easy. He took the red pill and went to a completely different world, devoid of the delusion, and surrounded by likeminded people. I wish I had someone like Morpheus to sit me down and tell me I have been a slave. Bring on the Oracle! I’d like to hear what she has to say to someone who isn’t “the one.” Why would any of us be granted this awareness and then still be in the same mesmerizing, tantalizing, idol worshipping place. Once you get a taste of the truth, you can’t let it go. I have seen many who act like they don’t know, but they do. It is painful to watch. Ignorance is bliss, except when it is not.
Waking up is the goal. Knowing the truth is the prize. Enlightenment is the ticket to contentment. Really? Who says so? All questions are valid. All beliefs have to be challenged. All lies must be burned. What’s goin’ on? We are all in a carnage strewn arena with an outright battle for our bloody birthright in front of us. We are all going in the same direction, ultimately, marching slowly towards a lifetime of deaths and rebirths.
Why are there so many tasty temptations, so many false roadblocks? That is such a pointless question. The roadblocks are there, and understanding why won’t move me one bit closer to any substantive answers. Life isn’t fair. Get over it! Never have I understood more the phrase: the gateless gate. It ain’t there. We put something there and call it a gate. My gates look like work, relationship, finances and children. It is time for some good, primal, teeth gnashing and hardcore gate busting!
We have a Bridge event coming up in one month. As these events get closer, this is what happens. The energy get stronger, the issues get more pronounced, and the fire in the furnace gets fueled. Four days with the men will give me an opportunity to let the lion roar. This is what I want to talk about. These are the issues I want to process. These are the questions I want to throw into the space and see what comes back. The energy is full on. I feel like I am ready to explode. Annie, bar the doors. No one is going to get out alive!
I was driving home from Chicago, heading toward California, when the title of this article popped into my head. My intention was to drive home in two days. This trip, according to my GPS system, should cover approximately 2100 miles, and take 36 hours. Having made this trip many times, I know that if I drive at 8 miles over the speed limit, I can make the trip in 30 hours. My goal is to drive 20 hours the first day, and then 10 hours the second day. I get up the first morning at 3:30AM and am driving in Nebucanezer (my car) by 4AM. Then I drive until midnight. On my trip out to Chicago a month ago, everything went very smoothly, and I stopped at North Platte Nebraska the first night, and made it to Chicago by 7PM the following day.
I experienced something quite different on the way back home. First, I made a stop in Lincoln, Nebraska to see and spend some time with a fallen Grail brother, B.B. who is currently residing at a rehabilitation center while recovering from a horrific automobile accident. Initially after the accident two months ago, B.B. was paralyzed and in a coma. When I saw him last Saturday, he was starting to get some movement back. His speech is still not really understandable, and his right side is fairly well shut down. While his recovery is amazing, he still has ever so far to go. It was sobering to see B.B., helpless as an infant. My memory of B.B. from before the accident was of a man very strong, very proud, and very active. Our lives can change in an instant!
I had checked the weather before heading out. I was very aware of a blizzard that would be blanketing the Midwest sometime Saturday. My goal was to drive through that area of the country before the blizzard hit and then let it pass over me and continue on the next day. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans! As I was driving through Nebraska, heading towards Wyoming, I saw a road sign that was flashing, “Highway 80 closed at Big Springs heading into Wyoming.” Then the snow started to fall, and fewer and fewer cars were on the road. My commitment to get home by Saturday night was strong, and so I kept driving.
When I arrived at Big Springs, there was still a road that was open. It was Highway 76, which headed toward Denver. I thought that since the road was open, that if I headed south toward Denver, I could miss the blizzard, and make a bit of a detour through Denver, on to Grand Junction, and then back up to Highway 80 at Salt Lake City. This would add 6 hours to my trip, but it was doable. So off I went, for 6 hours of some of the most treacherous driving I have ever experienced.
White Out Conditions! I have never experienced true white out conditions before this trip. Basically, I was driving at about 30 miles per hour, when suddenly, it all went white. So much snow was blowing across the road, that I could see absolutely nothing. I hit my brakes and skidded for what seemed an eternity, praying I wouldn’t hit the car in front of me, slide off to the side of the road into a ditch, nor get rear ended by the car behind me. It was a long skid. For 100 miles, I drove this God forsaken road, with just a few fellow road warriors. I saw so many cars and trucks that did not make it. Cars turned upside down in the center section. 18 wheelers all bent and mangled off to the right. It was eerie, as if driving through a morgue. The white out conditions, the strewn wreckage of fellow travelers, and my visit with B.B., all served to jack up my adrenalin as I pushed forward.
At last, I broke through to some clear weather as I neared Denver. It did get a bit hairy again as I drove late at night through the mountains of Colorado. I stopped for a 3 hour nap somewhere near Grand Junction, and headed off Sunday morning at 4AM. When I drive so many hours, I develop a relationship with fatigue. There are certain things to do to keep focused: music, red bull, cold air on the face, and fond memories of my family back home at my final destination. Driving across the barren landscape of Nevada was quite a challenge as I tried to keep alert and not day dream for extended periods of time. Once I hit Reno, adrenalin again kicked in as I knew I would be home in about 4 hours. I walked through the door of my home in Sebastopol at 6:30PM on Sunday evening, 39 hours after leaving Chicago.
During a solitary trip like this, one has plenty of time to think. I thought about all the people I had met during my travels. I was blessed to have so many interactions with people of varying life experiences and belief systems. It seems most folks in this country would call themselves Christian. And as I heard them speak about God, I came to realize that Christianity, and really any organized religion, is just a clever form of slavery. I was reminded of a line from the movie, The Matrix: “You are a slave Neo!”
I titled this article, Satan Lives In A Church, not because I believe in the devil, but because so many people do believe in the devil. And if you do believe in the devil, you’d have to believe he had something to do with the creation of organized religion. How else could so many go so far towards a life of death? These are strong words, damning words, and it hurts my heart to see things so clearly. Still, there is no denying the power of the church, and its control over the masses.
The entire structure of the church is built upon beliefs. Another way to put this is…. The entire structure of the church is built upon lies. There is nothing there! I was raised to believe there is but one God, a loving God, who watches over me. My life, my current life, is a test of sorts, a test of my candidacy for a life in heaven. If I pass the test, I get to go to heaven. If I fail, I get to go to hell. So, just to be very clear, if I live my life the way I am told to live my life, I win. If I don’t, I fail. The trick to this whole system is to get folks to believe all of this is real. To believers, beliefs in God, heaven and hell are not beliefs. They are real. They are the truth. And there is no opportunity for discussion or dissension. Those who don’t believe are pagans.
Worse yet, children are born into this slavery of beliefs. Baptism gets the process rolling. Attending church every Sunday reinforces all these beliefs. More important than what a child hears in church is the simple fact that his or her parents are attending church. Children want to please their parents, and mimic their behavior. So before a child even has the capacity for discerning thought, their belief system and body of actions are in place. It is like a factory which produces revenue streams by the millions, all brilliantly packaged in a “save your soul” wrapper.
“Family religiousness is undoubtedly the most powerful predictor of adolescent and subsequent adulthood religiousness” (Michele Dillon, Sage Encyclopedia of the Sociology of Religion, 2007, p. 538).
This raises some big questions: Why do parents raise their children with a given belief system? Why is there so much fear around raising a free thinking child? What is in it for the parents when they raise a child to think and believe the same concepts? Why are parents so threatened when their children don’t believe the same things? In my own family, I have come to be called the black sheep. I do all the wrong things. I smoke. I am divorced. I don’t go to church. I am agnostic (meaning, I don’t have an opinion about God’s existence). I participate in all sorts of “bad” behavior. In short, if you believe in hell, you would have to assume I am going there.
I realize that the writing of this article is somewhat pointless.
The power of religion is so great, I don’t see how anyone nor anything can dislodge this blind obedience in beliefs. As I was driving, I was struck by how many Christian radio stations there are, especially throughout the Midwest and deep south. Clearly, people who do believe, find great comfort in listening to others who believe. It feels good to be part of a tribe, to be accepted as a member, to feel safe and unthreatened by the pagans. One radio station told me that Oprah was participating in devil teachings. One woman called in and said “Praise Jesus!” for she had turned off the Oprah show a couple of years back. Hallelujah!
Why is it so few of us are willing to look at the possibility of experiencing heaven here on earth? I happen to live in a very progressive part of California, where “the church” doesn’t seem to have such a strong foothold. It was a real eye opener for me to experience life outside of California. The church is very powerful. Its tentacles reach far and wide. Billions of people are living with belief systems that bear no resemblance to reality. And all the time, the churches get richer and stronger. The government provides the church with attractive tax breaks. Why, in America, where we are to have separation of church and state, don’t we? When you start to peel back the shiny veneer, the picture you see isn’t very pretty.
I can say based on my own experiences, that there is something so loving, so wonderful, so divine, and so precious which lives within me. Further, it not only lives within me, it is me. And it is you as well. It takes hard work to unpeel the onion until there is nothing left. It is a treacherous path through the dark side. I am delighted when men sign up for a men’s event, for it demonstrates a thirst for the infinite. It demonstrates one’s desire to unearth that which is lying dormant. When I feel that thirst, and get to spend time with men who are searching for heaven on earth, my gifts get to be used. In those instances, I can be of service. In those instances, we might just find that God lives in the spaces between us, in the spaces between our words, in the spaces between our cells, and in the space where silence lives.
