That which I want most
What my heart so yearns for
Is that which I most fear
Freedom
What is life without that?
Ever present, always lingering
Lurking like a trench coated bad man
The tick tock tick tock of Dread
Am I an addict?
I choose security and familiarity
Over an eternity of ecstatic dance
The temple is prepared
The butter lamps are lit
The frankincense resin is burning
The eyes of the saints peer at the golden door
Their hands form in prayer for my deliverance
The gates are drawn for my arrival
Always and forever
If I dare
Hold tight
Knuckles white
Teeth clenched
Surrendering only to death
Only to death!
Forsaking the keys to the kingdom
It is my own darkness that I avoid
I fear me, and for that I dread
That which God knows
That for which I will not look
Pull the needle of ego out of my arm
Take the tit of adolescence out of my mouth
Embrace the dread
Befriend the unrelenting bastard
The truth and its toll are the gateless gate
They say go through the gate
I turn and run the other way
The only way to the bottom of it
Is through the dark bottomless pit
Have I never felt the divine?
Relax my shoulders
Breathe slow and deep
Taste clean air
The invitation is to go in
Not out
Bathe in the universal silence
Suffer in place
Release my desires
Open to the wide moist world of Gaia
The light that I seek lies just beyond
Just beyond….the horizon of my dark passenger
The light is alive
The light is life
The ambient emerald water of the island of Tortola
The early morning open window of the Midwest farm
The setting sun on the wandering elk of the Badlands
The whirling rainbow prisms of the crystal cenote in Mexico
God is everywhere
They whisper – Go to it
I am me. If I dare
Am I strong enough to renounce that which no longer serves
Am I courageous enough to leave the tribe and go it alone
Am I wizard enough to incinerate self and survive
Am I naked enough to lay bare in front of God
Dare I dive into my own river of radiance
And render unto Cesar nothing
Jay Cradeur 6/3/12
