That which I want most

What my heart so yearns for

Is that which I most fear



What is life without that?

Ever present, always lingering

Lurking like a trench coated bad man

The tick tock tick tock of Dread


Am I an addict?

I choose security and familiarity

Over an eternity of ecstatic dance


The temple is prepared

The butter lamps are lit

The frankincense resin is burning

The eyes of the saints peer at the golden door

Their hands form in prayer for my deliverance

The gates are drawn for my arrival

Always and forever

If I dare


Hold tight

Knuckles white

Teeth clenched

Surrendering only to death

Only to death!

Forsaking the keys to the kingdom


It is my own darkness that I avoid

I fear me, and for that I dread

That which God knows

That for which I will not look

Pull the needle of ego out of my arm

Take the tit of adolescence out of my mouth

Embrace the dread

Befriend the unrelenting bastard

The truth and its toll are the gateless gate

They say go through the gate

I turn and run the other way

The only way to the bottom of it

Is through the dark bottomless pit


Have I never felt the divine?

Relax my shoulders

Breathe slow and deep

Taste clean air

The invitation is to go in

Not out

Bathe in  the universal silence

Suffer in place

Release my desires

Open to the wide moist world of Gaia


The light that I seek lies just beyond

Just beyond….the horizon of my dark passenger

The light is alive

The light is life

The ambient emerald water of the island of Tortola

The early morning open window of the Midwest farm

The setting sun on the wandering elk of the Badlands

The whirling rainbow prisms of the crystal cenote in Mexico

God is everywhere

They whisper – Go to it

I am me.  If I dare


Am I strong enough to renounce that which no longer serves

Am I courageous enough to leave the tribe and go it alone

Am I wizard enough to incinerate self and survive

Am I naked enough to lay bare in front of God


Dare I dive into my own river of radiance

And render unto Cesar nothing


                                    Jay Cradeur 6/3/12