Sometimes I write because I have something to say. Other times I write in an effort to work something out. This is the latter. Today was a day just like any other. I woke up around 4:30. I made my bed, got my things together, and headed off to Gold’s Gym. While I was burning off 700 calories on the elliptical machine, I started to think about what my life will look like as I head into the third act.
It feels like my life is at ground zero. I have a fresh start. Anything is possible. I am good things about to happen. The world is my oyster. Yet, if I am not crystal clear about what I want, then I won’t get what I want. Instead, I will get something else, and that is not what I want.
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there!” Lewis Carroll
This I know to be true. And still, there is this dance with the universe. I spent a good deal of my life not wanting anything. I felt there was no point in wanting anything, because the universe was going to provide, and point and prod me one way or the other, so I might as well keep my desires out of the equation, and just roll with it.
And then there was this blinding light and I realized something very profound. There are things that I want.
There are certain preferences that I have. There are activities that bring me joy, and activities that do quite the opposite. It is not about things for me. It hasn’t been for a while. It is about feelings. It is about experiences. It is about spiritual expansion. It is about sharing. It is about being with others who are playing the same game. When I was in the sauna this morning, I thought of this example. I would rather work hard and use my self will and discipline to become flexible enough to sit comfortably for hours in the lotus position, than have a fancy expensive car to drive around. The lotus position is for me a door way to other worlds, to inner peace, to what feels like my true nature, while the car is just a thing. For some, driving a fantastic car brings tremendous joy. More power to them. We all have different wants and pleasures. What a great playground we have!
So what brings me joy? What do I want?
When I think of the phrase “What I want!” I am reminded of a powerful scene from The Godfather. Michael Corleone is telling Sollozzo want he wants. They are speaking Italian, and Michael is frustrated because he can’t think of the words in Italian, so he abruptly shifts the energy and speaks in English: “What I want…What’s most important to me…”
Stating what I want is a unique challenge for me. I feel vulnerable when I do it. I feel human. I feel clarity. I feel the inkling of a vision. I feel a heart opening. I feel an invitation to be met.
I have lived a lot of life during my first 50 years. Now married and divorced twice. I have four children that call me Dad. There have been remarkable journeys around the world. 20 years of smoking and I quit 2 years ago. I have loved people, and lost people. Deaths and suicides. I still have my parents alive and kicking, although my Dad is definitely on the decline. All my friends seem to be losing their Dads these days so I feel blessed to be able to spend time with mine. I have tried almost every kind of mind altering experience imaginable: drugs, therapies and rituals. I have been in some very dark places. I understand why people kill themselves. And I have also seen some of the most exquisite light I can imagine. There is a cenote in Playa Del Carmen that will blow your mind. I have an amazing fraternity of male friends and remarkable women to reach out to. I feel blessed to still be here with such opportunity in front of me. I am healthy and getting healthier. I don’t take any prescription drugs, my cholesterol is good, my blood pressure is perfect, and I can bend over and put my palms on the ground. And it looks like I am going to be doing some DXS workouts, so who knows how much healthier and glowing I may become.
So what do I want? I know I want my eggs poached in water for 4 minutes.
There are a few things that I want because they give me joy when I use them. I really miss my hot tubs. In my life, I have had a few amazing hot tubs. My sign is cancer and I do well in water. I have always smoked in my hot tubs, so that will be different. I also want an outdoor fire pit. I have had a powerful relationship with fire especially during the last 10 years. I have enjoyed sitting around at night, a red wine and a warm fire, with the stars and moon overhead. Ever notice how the energy is much more magical at night than during the day? I’d also like the space to have a sweat lodge. There are few things in life that bring me joy like sitting in a sweat lodge, praying with all my heart along with a group of others, purifying my body while also cleansing my soul. I’d also like my home to be private. I don’t mind driving a longer distance to go home if that provides me with privacy. I work all day with people, and when I come home, I’d rather not have neighbors too close.
Regarding my work life, I want a job that utilizes my gifts. When I feel I am using my gifts, I am satisfied. I have taken jobs in the past for the money, and it hasn’t worked for me. I also need to blend what I call “men’s work” into my life. I have attended some 20 or so men’s events over the past 10 years. Each event has enriched me and reminded me that life is so full and mysterious and glorious. It is impossible for me to imagine not continuing with this activity in one form or another. This July I am hosting an event called The Bridge and I can already begin to feel my energy rising, as it always does, leading up to an event.
I want to travel. There is so much of the world to see. I couldn’t be in a relationship with some who was content living in the US without getting out to see the world. There is so much of Europe to explore. Japan. Rio. Marrakesh. New Zealand. Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. Seeing real live African animals in Africa. So much. So much.
I want to continue to tone and strengthen my body through exercise, stretching and diet. In January of this year, I felt fat. To quote author A.J. Jacobs who has a book entitled Drop Dead Healthy, I felt “ashamed of a middle-aged body best described as “a python that swallowed a goat,” I weighed myself and was 240! Yikes. Since then I have altered my diet, started a workout regimen, and stuck to it. Just today, I weighed in at 215. 3 months, 25 pounds of weight loss. And I could stand to lose another 15. I feel lighter, more energetic, and best of all, my memory has dramatically improved. Most of my male friends are older than me, and they all report experiencing memory loss. I was walking into rooms, and not remembering why I was there. That has all stopped since I began my workout routine and high protein, low carb diet. RIP Jay the Smoker!
I want a companion to share my life. There, I said it!
That is a hard one for me to put right out there. For years, I and my self-proclaimed evolved ego stated that I was A-OK being alone, and that if I never had another relationship, that would be fine. Well, it would be fine, but my strong preference is to be in a loving and supportive relationship. Look, I was most recently married for 20 years, and even though it had its hard spots, it was mostly great. It is over now, and let’s see what the future holds.
I was talking with a friend about marriage, and she said the thing she missed the most is the ease. It is such a peaceful feeling to sit on a sofa with someone you know well, have some history with, and just be, just hang, just share space. Whether we watch tv, or read books, or play Words with Friends, it is a wonderful port to return to every day. It’s great to know someone has your back, and you have their back. I’d like someone to grow old with.
And then there is the partner I want. What do I want in a partner? Until recently, I hadn’t really thought about it. For years, I have stated that the woman in a relationship really doesn’t matter. They are all essentially the same. They all have some great qualities, and some other qualities that will drive me crazy. David Deida states:
“The next time you notice yourself trying to fix your woman so that she will no longer _____________ (fill in the blank), relax and give her love by touching her and telling her that you love her when she is this way (whatever you filled in the blank with). Embrace her, or wrestle with her, or scream and yell for the heck of it, but make no effort to bring an end to that which pisses you off. Practice love instead of trying to bring an end to the quality that bothers you. You can’t escape the tussle with the feminine. Learn to find humor in the unending emotional drama the feminine seems to enjoy so much. The love that you magnify may realign her behavior, but your effort to fix her and your frustration never will.” David Deida
Ok, I get that. I have often forgotten it. But right now I get it.
What are qualities I adore, and want in my partner?
First, I must be attracted to her. It is important that I wake up and look at her and marvel at my unbelievable good fortune that someone so beautiful (physically and spiritually) would have ended up with a guy like me. I also must feel that she gets me and loves me for who I am. This is hard to find, and my experience is that you can’t go looking for it, but rather it just shows up. Third is that I love her. This may seem obvious, but it is easy to get swept up in something, passion and fantasy, and not really have those deep, powerful, “you have my heart in your hands” feelings. If I think of her being hurt in any way, does my rage fire up? Do I feel protective? Would I do anything to keep her safe? When I think of her, do I smile inside?
There are a few other things that are important when I think of a partner. Do we have similar feelings about how we want to live our lives? Are we going in the same direction? Are we both fairly well adjusted? Have we both worked out our major issues and are we in a place where we can live and enjoy each other. We all have our pasts, but can I live in accordance with it, rather than at the effect of it? Is our vision for and commitment to being partners the same?
What else do I want?
I want certain things in the place that I live. It is very important to me that I have a space that I can call my own. I need a spot that I can sit in, and be quiet. It is not a man cave, but more of a zen dojo. While I do want the companionship, I also need the freedom to be me alone and separate from my partner. I have seen so many relationships suffer by suffocation. The spark dies. The individuality is extinguished. People forget who they are, or who they were. I don’t want to be that couple. It is a fine balance in which sensitivity and awareness lead the way, moment by moment.
What else?
I want my children to be happy.
So there you have it, at least for now. Thanks for reading as I jotted down my want list. It has helped me to get clearer about my future. Michael Corleone knew what he wanted. I know better now what I want. I invite you to take some time and write down what you want. You may be surprised at what you find. And if you believe in the law of attraction, this is the first step. I just got a clear picture of what I want.
I am one of those few people that loves to meditate. It is not a chore for me, not a task I have to cross off my list. I dig it. It takes me to a place I call home.
I have found the feelings of peace and serenity so palpable, I scratched out the following words in an attempt to convey the magic of it all. Hope you enjoy it. Jay
About a month ago, someone asked why me anyone would want to do this type of work: personal, self-development work (like The Bridge or The Grail), and pay over $1,000 to do it, when it would be so much more fun to go to Las Vegas for the weekend.
Here are my thoughts on the subject. I guess I feel there is something infinitely more valuable than a good lay, the thrill of winning at craps, or sleeping on 800 thread count sheets. Seems there are quite a few who would rather go to Vegas, or pursue security in work and money, or just roll over as if nothing is happening. This journey for me is a series of peaks and valleys, and sooner or later, all of our eyes will get scorched by the sun.
I wrote this, and then found some great Osho words to go along with it. May it open some part of you, or close the door even tighter.
Utterances
Ultimate truth is not far away, it is not distant. It is near you, close, closer than you are to yourself, but still you go on missing it, and you have been missing it for millions of lives. This continuous missing has become a habit. Unless this habit is broken, the closest remains the most distant; unless this habit is transcended. Osho
Heed the words of a free man. Do not heed the words of a man who only proclaims he is free.
A fish may proclaim his freedom, until he is elevated out of the bowl, and shown a more expansive view of his world. This is the illusion of freedom. Rarely revealed yet ever so common!
Likewise, a man’s life is spent watching a movie. It seems real enough. Everyone plays their part. Freedom abounds. Eventually, by the grace of God, the man leaves the theater and is exposed to the mid-day sun. Is that air you are breathing?
These words are spoken in the light of day, and they are the musings of a free man.
I have felt exuberant joy and debilitating pain.
I have breathed in heavenly love and endured crushing heartache.
Trust and betrayal, I know them well. They have been my friends, my teachers.
I am ancient as sand, having witnessed the ebb and flow of generations.
At long last, the grime has been wiped off the lenses, and light is shining in.
In truth, I have no choice. The die was cast a long time ago. It is cast for us all.
I choose to accept the reality of my existence and banish all superstition. I look at the social mores of society and marvel at the power of the tribe mentality. No longer will I play by anybody else’s rules. No longer will I pretend I don’t know the rules.
I will outshine all forms of control, all self-appointed authority, and all of Maya’s misdirection.
I am a sovereign being. This is my natural state. Now I remember! Now I remember.
Let freedom ring.
I claim my heart, my soul and spirit as my own. The masculine and the feminine live mysteriously and dynamically within me. Yin and Yang empower and nurture me. I co-exist and demand nothing in return. I appreciate and honor all beings.
Remember, untruth is not such a great hindrance as the belief in the truth. If you believe, you stop seeking; if you believe you have already taken it for granted. It cannot be so. You will have to pass through a mutation; really you will have to die and be born again. Unless the seed that you are dies, the new life cannot sprout out of it. Belief becomes a barrier; it gives you a false assurance that you have known – but that is all you have got. Osho
No longer will I have beliefs, for there is only one truth.
I live by a code which I know to be the Way, based not on stories and myth, but on experience, and divine guidance.
I trust only that which is true. All that is not true, while it has played a vital role in my life, taking me willingly down this road and that path, these lies no longer serve me. They are anathema.
I breathe fire upon non-truth. I am a fire maker, as are you. It is our birthright. It is our magic.
I have lived in delusion, and so, therefore, profoundly appreciate the rich and focused view of truth.
The truth has set me free. “Know thyself” is my mantra. The air I breathe is my reward.
Moment to moment you feel grateful to existence, a gratitude happens to you, and this gratitude I call prayer. It is not a prayer to some god. This gratitude is an inner attitude towards existence which has given you life, love, light; towards this existence which has blessed you in millions and millions of ways, and which goes on showering upon you more and more blessings – but a unity is needed within. Osho
I acknowledge the wisdom that comes from a life boldly lived. I do not own any wisdom, nor am I the creator of it. I have blindly stumbled forward, step by shaky step, to be a clear vessel, a hollow bone for wisdom and singular clarity to manifest.
I live in gratitude. I live knowing that each breath could be my last. Death lives on my shoulder, is my teacher, and guides me in all actions. If today were my last day, I would die in gratitude and serenity.
I acknowledge my ego, my social face, and know it is not the deepest version of me. Yet, it must be.
There is no true version of me, for there is no me. I, as I am arbitrarily called, I am a wisp of wind fleetingly filling this body. I look at you and see myself.
I can no longer see another.
I look at the ocean and sob.
The beauty. The power. The peace.
The knowing. The edge of mystery. The dive into the chasm. Release. Surrender.
I am the ocean, and waves of recognition lap upon my shores. I breathe deeply, and slowly.
My life is a miracle. I embrace simplicity and discipline.
I shall be a pure demonstration of a simple life.
The search is over. All I ever wanted was always right here, deep within. The want is gone.
I choose the sacred. It resonates in my bones. It satisfies.
These are the words of a free man. Hear them or not. The choice, as always, is yours.
The same happens to the sage. When a man becomes enlightened the man has disappeared from him with all the interpretations, judgments. He has become pure, as if he is no more. The mind has been dropped. He is conscious, fully conscious, but with no contents to project. He looks at the world as it is, without any interpretation. And for the first time he comes to know reality. Osho
If fasting is doing its work of liberating our focus from self-preoccupation, this will manifest itself in mercy and compassion toward those around us. We will be moved from within to give what we are receiving from God . . . Our lives will be marked by concrete caring responses for others. Fasting must deal with reality. It does not skirt issues. It is not an interior escape” Thomas Ryan
A month ago, I was feeling all middle aged. I noticed that my ring was feeling a bit tight around my finger. I noticed that some of my pants fit rather tightly around my hips. Hell, one pair of shorts that I wore in the Amazon Rainforest of Peru just last June no longer fit my expanded torso. Old and FAT. That didn’t feel so good. No doubt, all of this noticing sent a bit of a shock wave through my spirit. Alert! Alert! Alert! System Overload. Time to regroup. Bring out the Warrior!
And so, on a wing and a prayer, and just a dash of encouragement from one of my close friends, I embarked on the Arise And Shine 28 day cleanse. All I really heard about the cleanse was that it would be “deep” and I would rid my body of some toxic substances including, but not limited to, mucoid plaque. “Mucoid Plaque, What the hell is that!?” Apparently, as I would learn in great and fascinating detail, our bodies create mucus that lines certain internal organs such as the colon. Mucoid plaque, I was told, is real, and if I did the cleanse, I would expel a good bit of it. Game on.
Jumping headlong into the abyss, I got on line (www.ariseandshine.com), ordered the 28 day cleanse, and set my start date for the following Monday. Little did I know what kind of commitment would be required from the program which I had ordered. No matter, I said I would do it, and given that it was only 28 days, I would will myself through the process if need be. While waiting for the arrival of my brand spanking new cleanse package, I began to plan my days around my two meals, lunch and dinner, and the fruits and vegetables I would be eating exclusive of any other foods for the next 4 weeks. No coffee. No pasta (remarkable, really, how much I missed pasta above all else). No ginger beer. No beer. No ice cream. No chicken, steak, nor pork chops. No nothing, just fruits and vegetables. Punto.
Just four weeks ago today, I began the cleanse, and initiated a ritual that would produce a 30 pound weight loss, 220 to 190. 6:30 AM – Bentonite, Cayenne and Psyllium Husk Shake. 8:00 AM – Handful of Herbs designed to soften the skank toxic substances that lie deep within. Another Shake at 9:30 and 3:30. More Herbs at 11, 2, 5 and 8. For the first couple of weeks, I was able to eat a lunch and dinner. The third week, lunch only. And the fourth and final week, called the Master Phase, no food at all, only herbs and shakes and water. Yummy.
Besides our desire to breath, our desire to eat is the most powerful. It is an amazing and worthwhile process to deny the ego the simple and powerful desire to eat. Breakfast, no coffee. Lunch, no tri tip sandwiches. Dinner, no egg plant and chicken chow mein, no enchilada suiza, no new york steak cooked on my trusty George Forman lean mean fat grilling machine and topped with melting butter (ohh, that is so good!). No Food! I did cheat just a bit during the last food free week. I had one blue berry (approximate eating time, 4 minutes). I ate one slice of medjool date (approximate eating time, 5 minutes). I did eat one small slice of avocado (approximate eating time, 6 minutes). That’s it. That was the height of my cleansing folly.
Have you ever eaten something as if you have never eaten before? This was a lasting gift of the cleanse.
As I said, I lost about a pound a day. But during the last week, I lost pound after pound of mucoid plaque. Here is a link to a site that shows you what mucoid plaque looks like. I caution you, it is not pretty. Click Here for Mucoid Plaque Photos. Suffice it to say, it is some nasty stuff (not shit) that is kind of long and stringy, thick and toxic, and definitely well worth the effort to get it out of my body. I was told that I would want to go through my bowel movements with chop sticks to see what was happening. True to form, I was excruciatingly curious about the chemistry experiment that had become my body. For the entirety of the final week, every bowel movement produced more and more mucoid plaque. It was fascinating and repulsive all at the same time. And it was quite an education for my little one, Paulina, and she is now a bit more cognizant of the effect of foods on her body.
To signify the end of my cleanse, I scheduled a colon irrigation session for Friday of the last week. A young woman had been recommended to me by someone I trust, so I placed the call and set up the appointment. During my first conversation with the colonic irrigation specialist, she informed me that she had done the exact same cleanse some 4 times. Wow I thought, that is one woman who is committed to a clean colon! And she told me that during the last week of her cleanse, she was taking 8 herb capsules at a time. I had been taking 4 at the time. 8! So by the time I went for my colonic cleansing session, I was up to 8. (I am as competitive and committed to a clean colon as any one else…) By the time I began my colonic irrigation session, I was tired, energetically drained, not really hungry but also knowing that my body was feeling deprived of food, and grateful that with my support team, I was able to make it to the end. I was ready for this cleanse to end. But first, the colonic…
If you have never had one, I must say that getting a colonic is quite a unique experience. I can’t state that too strongly. It goes like this. First I am having a nice chat with a beautiful young woman about my intestines, and the next moment I am lying on my side, while having an open ended probe placed gently into my backside. Next thing I know, gallons of warm water are being shot into me, while I relax placidly to the soothing sounds of Sarah McLaughlin. At some point, the pressure feels rather intense, and the water flow is reversed, and the water, and the waste materials, are all sent packing merrily merrily down the stream.
I will admit, there is a child like fascination, as the water and waste are heading south while I am heading north, to take a good look and see just what we have unearthed. I sat and watched as old and ancient pieces of me where flushed away, time after time, deeper and deeper, until it seemed there was nothing left to cleanse. Of course, there must be more, but by the end of the colonic, I felt done, clean, light, and ready to move on after this 4 week ordeal. Mission accomplished, Job well done.
On a scale of 1 – 10, with 10 being well worth my time, this cleanse experience ranks an 11. During the cleanse, I realized how important the food I put into my body really is. I learned that meat and diary don’t really serve me. All of my hay fever symptoms have disappeared. I see other people sneezing, and I know that use to be me. I understand some of the fundamental rules about my temple. Remarkable, given the level of meat and diary and processed foods I have eaten, that so much damage could be undone in 4 short weeks.
I will do more cleanses in the future, for I found the process very lightening. I see big middle aged bellies walking around, and realize most of that is mucoid plaque plugging up the pipes. I have obtained a bit of knowledge about my internal body mechanics simply because I did the cleanse, and let my curiosity lead me to books and conversations which generated unforeseen wisdom. For example, I had heard once that it is best to eat a meal without any beverages. I never knew why. Know I understand that when we eat and put something in our stomach, our body produces enzymes to break down the food to a liquid. As we drink a soda, for example, it simply dilutes the enzymes, making it that much more difficult for our bodies to break down and digest the foods. Interesting isn’t it?
Most importantly, I learned from and see the value in depriving myself of something so primal and vital as food, just to cool the jets of my ego. Jesus and Ghandi both fasted. Must be something to it… Indeed there is. My ego needs a good work out every once in a while. Seems if I can keep it real distracted and real tired, it won’t get me into too much trouble. But it is a real sneaky bastard. Now, if I think I am “cleanse” cool, or I accomplished something unique, or that I am special, or that I know a lot about digestion and mucoid plaque and all that, then the sneaky bastard ego is back in control. So there you have it. I will shut up now and know that I live in a world where everything I have, especially the simple and delicate fruit and vegetable foods we have to eat, and everything I know and everything I learn, and everyone I meet, they are all a beautiful gift, and all I will do is play and be eternally grateful. Ya-man.
Just one week ago, I was sitting in a sacred circle of men on the final day of The Bridge Men’s Initiation Ritual in Baldwin Kansas. Unlike past Bridge Sundays in which I was tired and a bit groggy, this Sunday, I was well rested as I looked out the window of the barn and saw streaming sunshine. In most Bridge events, we spend all of Saturday night awake, all contributing to the powerful initiation ritual which does not complete until the sun comes up. However, as I will explain, this was not a typical Bridge event (as if there is such a thing). Mother Nature had big plans for us, none the least of which was called Hear Me Roar!
Let’s start at the beginning. The assistants team arrived on Wednesday afternoon. Upon driving into the venue, a large refurbished barn in the middle of the very small town of Baldwin Kansas, it was raining fairly heavily. When we visited the sweat lodge site, we had serious concern about getting a fire started, and using wet blankets and carpeting to set up the lodge. We also knew it would be difficult to conduct the all night initiation ritual in a heavy downpour. This day was yet another lesson in letting go. We had no control over the weather. So instead we focused on what we could do to make the event room and sweat lodge as prepared as possible.
I have a unquenchable thirst for nature. I first felt this once again when I was sitting outside the back of the barn, and caught sight of a very large owl flying over a pond and landing on a branch. I slowly walked over to the tree to see if I could get a better look at this big horn owl. There he was, sitting on a branch, and perfectly content to have me look at him while he looked at me, just some 20 feet away. It was glorious. His eyes were bright yellow. His head was rotating as if on a swivel. After 2-3 minutes my new friend the owl heard some sounds and decided it was time to hit the road. I saw him again on Saturday, and then again on Sunday. In the picture below, you can see how close he allowed me to get. Remarkable.
At 3:30 pm on Thursday, the rain stopped. The sun began to shine. We immediately set up the fire to heat up the stones for the evening sweat lodge. Men began to arrive an hour later as the final touches were being put on the sweat lodge. It was as if God had said, “Here is the break you were asking for!” We began the lodge at 8pm. It was a gentle Inipi ceremony, almost sweet, allowing all the men to gently immerse themselves in the event and in the initial process of physical, spiritual and emotional purification. I also learned a valuable lesson about being and remaining grounded during such powerful rituals. While handling the pitchfork holding a red hot rock destined for the pit in the center of the lodge, the pitch fork tilted and the rock hit my thumb before hitting the ground. I put the rock in the pit, but my thumb lost a nice chunk of skin, singed it right off. Respect.
Friday, Day 1
Friday is always a powerful day. It is a day of brutal truth telling. It is a day of surrender and release. It is a day of discovery. And at the end of the day, many men feel a tremendous blast of spiritual bliss during our final exercise. The Bridge is a mystery school, allowing the men to begin a study of themselves (of their self) in earnest. What is your mission in life? What are you afraid of? What must you do before you die? I also relearned the lesson that I am not alone nor am I special. In fact, I am not even that unique. We all have a past, some parts of which are hard to look act, let alone admit to and be witnessed. Yet by looking and speaking and being witnessed, these harmful and shameful bits lose their potency and simply become a bit more of my history, something which has served me to become who I am today. Shame be gone.
On Friday, I also learned once again that male rage is powerful, can be created at will, and need not be simply a reaction. Properly channeled, as we do on Day 1, the full expression of rage is beautiful, inspiring, and ultimately blissful. I shudder to think how many men, women and children are hurt and abused simply because, in our society, we don’t have conversations about rage nor channels for the proper expression of rage.
Saturday, Day 2
On Saturday, we spend most of the day preparing for the all night initiation ritual with various processes and exercises. However, as it once again rained, our sweat lodge completely collapsed under the weight of the water. Being dudes who like to build shit, we made it our project to create a new and better sweat lodge for the evening ritual. The guys attacked the project with gusto, and within 3 hours, we had a fabulous new sweat lodge all set and ready to go. We also spent a couple of hours in the meadow preparing for the evening work. The sun was shining, and meadow grass was drying, and everything seemed to be progressing perfectly for a wonderful all night ritual.
Our evening sweat lodge was hot. Really hot. Like no kidding, this is Hot! During the second of four rounds, half the guys left the lodge. It was a mass exodus of epic proportions. The third round sent out another bunch of guys. For me, the sweat lodge experience is a deep discipline in the fine art of surrender and breathing through fear. It is my experience that this is a lost art. On this night, in Kansas, we were just getting started.
I learned another powerful lesson once I left the sweat lodge. I crawled out, stumbled to an open space on some grass, and lied down, simply looking up at the darkening sky. I could not have been more content. During that one hour in the sweat lodge, I did battle with my self, and with the heat, and with my faltering ego. I lost on all counts. I battled hard, I lost, and I felt such a state of bliss lying there on the ground. No thoughts. No need to do anything. No need to be any certain way. It was one of those divine moments where men simply get to be together and be. Ahh, Masculine Bliss.
We returned to the barn and prepared for our walk over to the meadow. The half mile hike took us through mud, through a garden, through tall grass, and across a small rushing river. Since we did get some rain, we could no longer hop from rock to rock to get across the river, so we waded through the flowing water to get to the other side. It was great fun for us guys. In addition to enjoying building shit, we also like to get wet and muddy! We were excited. We were anxious. And we were walking toward our death, just about to leap off the edge into the unknown.
I had heard that there was some weather working its way around us. I had seen someone’s phone with images of heavy storms to the north and south of us, but there didn’t seem to be anything heading towards us. The sky above us was clear, though we could see some dark clouds way off into the distance. One eerie cloud was in the exact shape of an arrow head stone. In our elevated state, everything felt OK, and we proceeded with our many rituals to prepare the men, and ultimately get them all in their sacred ritual sites.
While we were finalizing the beginning of the ritual for each man, the skies started to roar, and lightning began to spark. For me, this was a moment unlike any other. The timing was uncanny. As we moved from man to man, Mother Nature kept speaking to us with increasing intensity. We saw lightning so bright I could not keep my eyes open. Thunder pelted our ears. Yet for the longest time, we did not feel a single drop of rain. It was not until we got to the last man that the rain began to fall. At same time, the caretaker of the property had hiked to the meadow to notify us that a tornado was heading right towards the meadow.
We finished with the last man, and then proceeded in haste to notify each man of the oncoming tornado, get him out of his ritual site, and meet back at the fire pit (which had now been quickly doused out) and prepare to hike back to the barn. The rain was now coming down in sheets. It was impossible to stay dry. The lightning was brighter, more frequent, and shocking. Thunder was belching at us right above our heads. We began the hike back. Within minutes, large hail balls the size of nickels began to fall on our heads. The energy of our group of men was unbelievably intense. I was feeling such exhilaration as the weather gods demonstrated their titanic power. When we got to the river, I almost jumped in head first just to feel everything I possible could in that moment. Carpe Diem! I wanted to be decimated, consumed, and divinely ravaged by the storm, by nature, and by the All Powerful.
We made it back. We walked with our items in one hand while our other hand protected our heads from the falling chunks of ice. Upon arriving, we decided to proceed with our celebration ritual (which involves eating bacon..Yahoo!), then nourish our bodies after a day of fasting, and then get a good night’s sleep. If a tornado was coming, we were going to to be ready. In the end, what can be said about this night? It was glorious. It was a seminal moment in time which no one will ever forget. The whole experience spoke to the commitment of the men to create breakthrough. What a life!
Sunday, Day 3
We started with our morning circle, sharing our experiences and lesson from the previous night. We ate some delectable hamburgers for lunch, and rested. We were all full up from the previous day’s activities. In the afternoon, we all shared our wisdom with each other. We celebrated each other, and the dedication we shared to achieve completion. The men prepared to leave, helped with clean up, and then left for their homes and their loved ones.
As I sat in my room on Sunday night, I was left wondering what impact this weekend would have on the men. I seem to be constantly living in these questions, “What make a real and substantial difference in another’s life?” “What lasting effect would the men feel?” “How would the women of these men be impacted, or the children?” It is our intention that The Bridge not be just another “ aha” moment, or a feel good adventure. We put an emphasis on men thinking about their lives in very definite terms, feeling what is true, and learning something substantial and concrete that will be valuable and useful one month or one year down the road. The men all have their journals. I believe they will all use them to continue to Know Thyself.
Great gratitude from this arrogant bastard, for the opportunity to spend such quality time with a group of remarkable men.
I recently attended an powerful Initiation Ritual in which I asked to be rid of was DOUBT. Naturally, as is so often the case, when I came home, I was drawn to a book I had recently ordered online. I turned to no page in particular and these words shot straight into my third eye like a red hot poker, for these words/images/thoughts capture my experience better than any musings I might share with you. What I would like to share are my interpretations of this passage.
“Youth of delight, come hither” I find I can assess a man’s development by how excited he gets about things and experiences. “Youth of Delight” captures the embryonic state of most, chasing the next pussy, the latest gadget, or the next event. “Come hither” boys, for I have something to share…
“And see the opening morn” This, for me, is Blake’s way of saying “Wake the Fuck Up!!!”. He is being very poetic about it. I tend to be more blunt.
“Image of truth new born.” Here, I believe, Blake is pointing his finger in the direction of “truth.” When one does get a sniff of truth, it truly is like a birth, and new day, a direction for one’s life which is at once both exhilarating and terrifying.
“Doubt is fled, & clouds of reason,” This one is for me a bit tougher to decipher. When one is cognizant of the clarity of truth, the absoluteness of it, then doubt is fled. The pathway is clear, and one begins the march, slashing and burning everything that gets in the way. Yet, clouds of reason do interfere. “Am I going insane?” “Am I the only one?” “Why doesn’t anyone else see what I see?” “The tribe was so warm and cozy.” The other interpretation here is that the clouds of reason are also fled. However, in my experience, “clouds of reason” is the battle ground. Only after tremendously challenging, painful and excruciating work, and complete ego decimation takes place, may one leave the battle ground. And in actuality, one doesn’t leave the battle ground, rather the battle ground just ceases to exist.
“Dark disputes and artful teasing.” Over the next few lines, Blake is, in my opinion, making a full front assault on Maya, the goddess of illusion. How can one realize the truth, without understanding his own dark side? Know thyself! Ah yes, and artful teasing. Just when you think you are on the path, you are once again off the path. Maya is a master, and her game is to make you think you are advancing, when in fact you have made a pit stop into illusion, vanity, or greed. This line, by including the word “artful,” also shows the respect for Maya that she deserves.
“Folly is an endless maze,” Or so it seems. How does one open the gateless gate? At some point, folly becomes a casualty of the process. When the hunger for the end of your suffering becomes greater than the pain of the suffering, one realizes the way out of the back door of the maze was in front of you the entire time.
“Tangled roots perplex her ways.” Here, Blake, again in my opinion, is now addressing ego, that pernicious little voice, that we just can’t seem to separate from our selves. This topic came up quite a bit during our days of rights. How is it that some little voice can make us all so miserable? “Hey you, you’re a piece of shit!” “Hey, are you listening to me, you aren’t making enough money.” “Hey you, you lazy ass couch potato, get to work!” It is not enough that we have Maya to contend with, but we also have to do some serious house cleaning to remove the debris of the multi tenacled ego (also a creation of Maya).
“How many have fallen there!” The answer: virtually everybody. I can just imagine Blake making this statement is disbelief and exasperation. I believe most don’t get any kind of clarity until they are looking death right in the eyes. And then they die, so their work remains incomplete. Some see the end but are too fearful to proceed. Some do proceed but end up in mental institutions, or addicted to anti depressants. Is it too much to bear? We all know damned well when we sell out to ourselves.
“They stumble all night over bones of the dead.” Here, I believe Blake is speaking about our fascination with our own stories, our fascination with, and our unwillingness to let go of, our past. How many times do we need to say our story before we realize it has nothing to do with the here and now!? The past is one of Maya’s main distraction devices. We all had bad things that happened to us… Get Over It!!! But on and on I go, parsing out the drivel of a lifetime. Aren’t I special?
“And feel they know not what but care,” And so, in the end, rather than march forward in the face of fear towards truth and away from all falsity, we fall back into comfort. As I witness life, it is almost as if men are playing dumb, acting like they don’t know what game they are playing. Rather than play the real game, they fall back into the warmth of the tribe, looking like they give a damn about capital punishment, relationship status, and career choices. I could see Maya smiling with glee. She must have had a really good day when she created the caring feelings that come with the tribe. Your heart is your ego, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
“And wish to lead others, when they should be led.” And still, Maya has yet another trick up her gold inlaid, laced sleeve. Once one gets even a whiff of clarity, the first impulse is to share it, and teach others. Here we have more delusion and distraction to feed an unexamined ego. The quickest way off the path, is to assume you have something to say. Ego quickly kicks in, and all progress is halted. Why is it so hard to live in the question? Temptations abound around us. Maya is sharpening her arrows. I have learned that only when I shut up will the universe speak to me.
William Blake, 1757-1827, life mask made in 1823 The Somnambulists by Joanna Kane
This is a brilliant poem. It is a powerful amalgam of words. Bravo William Blake!
Here, in this blog, I am sharing my observations. Please question everything. What, if anything, you may agree with, I especially invite you to look deeper. Life appears to me to have so many layers, each revealing just a bit more, until finally all becomes simple and silent. Is it simple and silent for you?
Honesty is the best policy. And Brutal Honesty is the only medicine for this path.
