The Passing Of Michael

by Jay Cradeur | Oct 16, 2012 | Integration, Relationship, Self Help

On Saturday, we lost a Grail brother to cancer.  His name is Michael Krouskop .  He left behind a son.  He was an amazing father.   It was April 2011 when I last saw Michael.  We were both participating in a Grail weekend in Pescadero, CA.  I remember being outside with Michael on the deck.  He had just completed his rite, and he had asked me and my good friend Doug to join him in the hot tub.  I am always honored when a man asks me to spend time with him after a rite.  The energy is so crisp and clean and palpable.  We were on the deck, and Michael just started telling a few jokes and we were laughing loud and hard.

I can’t imagine what it is like to find out you have cancer in January, and then to be gone ten short months later in October.  Life is so fragile.  It is tenuous at best.  I just want to kiss the people that I love.  Yesterday was the day I heard the news.  I often do some writing on the weekend, and I was having a bit of writers’ block.  I even asked a friend to suggest something for me to write.  Then all this poured out of me in about 30 minutes.  I am not sure how this ties in with the loss of Michael, but it does.  That I do know.  I don’t even remember writing it.  Here you go.

Looking back through my life, I can identify 8 phases or stages of development as it pertains to achieving clarity.  I don’t know if everyone goes through these steps one by one, or some people skip a step here and there.  I present these as a guideline, or a set of markers, for someone to gauge where they are at, and where they are going.

1 – Budding Awareness.

There comes a time when we feel that something doesn’t ring true.  For all of our life, we have been given information.  We have been told how to behave, how to function in society, and what to believe.  The key phrase for this phase is “things aren’t what they seem.”  Another way to put it is “the story I have been told does not ring true.”   During this phase, there is a spark of excitement.  It is our true nature to be free of all false notions and beliefs, and during this phase, we begin the process of returning to our true nature, and that is very stimulating.  The degree of our desire and curiosity from this point forward will determine just how fast we move to the ultimate clarity and freedom which awaits us all.

2 – The Noise.

Once the excitement dies down, we return to our current state of being.  While our awareness has expanded to notice things are not what they seem, and perhaps the way we have been experiencing our whole life is shifting, our awareness in other areas also increases.  Most noticeably, it starts to get a bit louder in our head.  Throughout this whole process, we will be butting heads with our ego.  We are not out to kill the ego, for we need the ego to survive.  Rather, we are going to learn to tame the ego, quiet the ego, and understand all the complexities of the ego.  Your greater awareness triggers a danger signal to the ego.  In order for the ego to survive and thrive, it prefers us to stay asleep, with little awareness, and little desire and curiosity about another way of being.  The increase in the volume is a key component of the process, for it serves to amplify our desire and curiosity to find an alternative way to be in this world.  Essentially we have begun a civil war inside our being, and it ravens for a solution.

3 – Recognize the Dynamic

We don’t like the noise.  It is naturally opposing to our true nature.  Therefore, the noise drives us to define the noise and understand why there is the noise.  It drives us to find a way to quiet the noise.  The noise points us to recognize that there is a dynamic which we must understand in order silence the noise.  This dynamic is the relationship between the false self and the true self.  It is the dynamic between the actor in the play, and the observer of the play.  As long as we think we are the actor, there will be noise.  This recognition is at first quite shocking.  Lives are lived with the false belief that we are one, when in fact, we are two.  This recognition is fundamental to our health, our prosperity, and our clarity.

4.  Be the Observer.

Not until we begin to experience ourselves truly as the observer will there be any true peace in our lives.  For many, the practice of meditation allows for the experience of oneself as observer.  Until we can sit in our truth as the observer of everything, we will always be struggling to honor the demands and the desires of the actor, of the ego.  You can’t eat enough, have sex enough, make enough money, have enough of anything to achieve peace and clarity and serenity.  There is always more, or another, or something more interesting, yet a shinier piece, and on and on it goes.  This is the stage where one begins in earnest to understand the nature of his or her being.  With this stage, curiosity and desire for the ultimate awakening are bolstered.  Exuberance explodes from within.  Power is discovered in the silence.  Life is starting to feel more real.  You are beginning to experience yourself as the center.

5 – Energy and Intuition Emerge

This new framework is like a crack in the cosmic egg.  There is a whole new realm of awareness that is descending up you.  Life begins to make sense in a different way.  The old way of being simply won’t’ do.  Life begins to be experienced in terms of energy and intuition.  It is kind of like you have been given a new operating system.  It’s an upgrade which makes the old ways of operating a bit obsolete.  It’s like you recognize that floppy disks no longer serve any purpose.  Somebody walks into your life, and you feel who they are, rather than taking any stock in their resume.  That little voice, when it does speak to you in the form of intuition, you are better equipped to recognize it and trust it and act in alignment with it.  It takes some getting used to, but it works much better.

6.  Synchronicity.

This is the beginning of the period of miracles and perfect divine timing.   As we continue to open to a new world which we don’t fully understand, the act of staying open, of surrendering, of letting go, creates a space for what looks like extraordinary events.  You think of someone, and then they call you on the phone.  You need $200 and somehow it shows up unexpectedly.  A friend delivers the perfect book for you to read.  You may not see angels like I did, but you will have your own experiences that serve to strengthen you and make you more solid in this new way of being in the world.  Old wounds begin to lighten and heal.  Life becomes a more relaxed experience.  Your opinions don’t seem so important.  In fact, you wonder why you even have opinions since everything seems to be working out A-OK without any tampering on your part.  The magic of life makes itself present.

7.  Supreme Clarity

Something happens.  It happens.  It may be big and bold and beautiful, as I shared about my beach experience.  Or it may be subtle, without much fanfare.  It may be called Samadhi.  It may be a final recognition of complete awakening.  Regardless, you know something happened.   You know that a big something happened.  You know you will never be the same.   It may feel like divinity.  It may feel like grace.  Words fail to convey the significance of a lifetime’s work coming to fruition.  One begins for the first time to feel his or her true nature devoid of ego’s constant tampering.

8.  Abiding Awareness

Having a moment is not full awakening.  Once your ego gets a whiff of what is happening, it will, hand in hand with Maya, the goddess of illusion, begin to tempt you and work to lure you back to sleep.  This is the step that will make you crazy.  You will be riddled with questions and self-doubt.  Hold strong.  This is the time to focus all your energy on the task at hand.  Stay the course.  I have seen so many get to this point, and then stop, thinking they have finished.  If only it were that easy.

Once the awareness is abiding, then supreme clarity is ever present.  There will be no need to change the world.  There will be no need to change anyone.  The world will appear as the perfect creation that it is.  The need to fix anything will evaporate in the wisdom of your true nature.  This is a period of great transition and adjustment.  One cannot prepare for the impact of the blinding clarity.  Learning how to function in the world after achieving this state takes time.  Be gentle with yourself and experience the spaciousness of it all.  It is a time for patience.  It is a time to let the mud settle so that the water may remain clear.

About the Author

Jay Cradeur is an author, blogger, internet marketer, world traveler, and coach. Jay has helped thousands to achieve their dreams of financial independence. As an internet marketing coach with a focus on personal development, Jay may be able to assist you in reaching your goals. You can work with Jay for a 100% refundable fee of $49 by clicking on this link and committing to your future. Work with Coach Jay.

On Being An Addiction

by Jay Cradeur | Oct 1, 2012 | Integration, Relationship, Self Help

Almost anything can be an addiction, even little ol’ me.

I feel my love slipping away.  She believes (I believe) the connection we feel is too strong, too passionate, and the love we share is pulling her away from the real demands of her life, things like getting a job, managing her household, eating well, her children, and perhaps even exercise.   As she said, her moth got too close to my flame.  I think she is giving me way too much credit.   In fact, none of it really has anything to do with me.  I am not the object of her addiction.  It is god.  Me, she can get rid of, but that won’t solve anything long term.  She must deal with god to find her redemption.  That, I can help with.

What is it that we all want?  Jim Morrison said it best for me when he declared all we really want is something sacred in our lives.  If you have ever had the experience of oneness, of connection to all things, of merging into all of existence, then you know it can be quite intoxicating.  Some people feel it when they use drugs, or eat, or make love, or smoke, or masturbate, or spend money and buy things, or drink a fine Chardonnay at lunch in the sunshine.    All of these in excess can become addictions.

In reality, when we slow down and take a deep breath, we can feel the touch of god in most everything.  There is no question that god is everywhere.  Everything is comprised of the god force.  It does take some effort to train oneself to perceive reality just as it is.  When we add all kinds of extra filters and beliefs and false notions to our life experience, god gets squeezed out.   I look outside my window and see a red tail hawk flying in a circle overhead, and I melt.  I walk down the street and see the sparkle in the eyes of the people that meet my gaze.  I enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning which brings up fond memories of my childhood.  God is everywhere if we look for her.  The real question is how do we feel god in everything so that we don’t feel a lack.  If we don’t feel a separation from god, then our desire for the sacred does not drive us to undertake extreme activities that are not healthy nor productive.  How do we manage ourselves so that our drive for the divine is not creating chaos in our lives?   How can we insert balance into our lives so that we can have it all, live deliriously happy lives, and not feel we are addicted to something?

The gods must be crazy.  Is love an addiction?  At what point does love become an addiction rather than a glorious expression of the magnificence of life?  I have known love.  It is certainly one of the finest and most enjoyable experiences on this earth plane.  I have also taken drugs like ecstasy.  I have eaten at some of the finest restaurants in the world.  I have made love all night long and seen the fairies giggling with joy.  Smoking, masturbating, spending, the white wine, haven’t we all done some if not all of those things?  Yet on top of all of it, the experience of being in love, of sharing one’s heart, of courageously opening and surrendering to another who reciprocates in kind, well, that is the rare elixir of life.  How does this gift of the gods, this gorgeous display of passion, this thing that makes us cry with joy, how does all of this become the devil in our lives?

I am drawn to addicts.  They are my favorite people.  I freely admit I am an addict.  I smoked for20 years.  I know what it is to be physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally attached to a destructive behavior.  Addicts, in my experience, feel unusually profound feelings.  They are passionate.  Addicts have a strong desire to merge and feel god and be intertwined with everything.  Addicts are naturally self-destructive.   They figure out ways to destroy the self.  In the end, isn’t that really what this life is about, that is, confronting the self so as to understand the self.  I have sat in hundreds of 12 step meetings.  Seems to me the goal is to know thyself.  Anyone who has really done the 12 steps knows that it is one brutally honest self-examination.  I highly recommend it.  The trick is getting to end of the path in one piece.  Addicts have a unique ability to put themselves into precarious situations which lead to self-discovery, revelations, epiphanies, and spiritual wisdom.

Jim says we all want to feel something sacred.  We all want to know that this life we live means something.  We all want to sit in our deathbed one day and look back and not have any regrets.  We will want those memories of crazy powerful love, unbridled passion, and open hearted connections with those special people in our lives.  I don’t think any of us are going to look back and fondly remember the job we got, the car we purchased,  the way we played it safe, or the love we let slip away.  It must be heartbreaking to look back and wonder where all those years went, and what the hell was I thinking!

Just this last month, a dear friend of mine has been hospitalized twice.  She is young, beautiful, and healthy.  Still, as she told me the story of her first trip to the hospital, she said “Jay, at one point I really thought I could die, that is how bad I felt.”  And she could have died.  It is moments like this that remind me that this life is fragile.  I have always thought I would have loads and loads of time to hang out with my dear friend (who is now sitting in a hospital bed).  What if she had died?  What am I waiting for?  Life is short.  Now in my early fifties, I look back at the last twenty years and already wonder where all those years went.  They do go by in a blink.

“How can I set free anyone who doesn’t have the guts to stand up alone and declare his own freedom? I think it’s a lie – people claim they want to be free – everybody insists that freedom is what they want the most, the most sacred and precious thing a man can possess. But that’s bullshit! People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains. They fight anyone who tries to break those chains. It’s their security…How can they expect me or anyone else to set them free if they don’t really want to be free?”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Jim Morrison

Who deserves this kind of ecstasy?  As some point, the pain of the life we live now becomes stronger than the fear of what lies up ahead.  Or maybe we just say “Screw It” and let’s get on with it.  It is also possible to use a powerful vision of the future to empower us past our fears.  Perhaps one more loss will do the trick, maybe a death or an illness.  Sad but true, with enough invitations, the universe will take action and these tragedies are the things that drive us to our knees and force us to transform, and embrace a new way of being, an elevated way of perceiving the world.  Who knows what it will take to push someone over the tipping point.

Or, you can do as I have done, and just let go.  Let go.  Surrender.  Stop fighting life.  Stop trying to control everything.  Stop listening to what others tell you as they argue for mediocrity.  Go with the flow.  Don’t think you know how any of this turns out.  But that is hard to do.  That nasty little bastard called fear is lurking just around the corner.  The fear is your ego all dressed up and ready to play.  Go tell him to piss off once and for all, and see how that works.

In the end, I adore the sacred.  I must completely agree with Jim Morrison.  I have worked all of my adult life to bring the sacred to every breath I take.  I seem to attract people to me who are in search of the sacred, and they feel it.  The sacred is indescribable.  It is palpable.  It is amazing.  The sacred is simply the best.  But how does one break on through to the other side, where life is sacred and magical.  Grab my hand and let’s dance.  It is at times sad to see such struggle, and I’d like to see transformation occur at a more rapid pace.  And then again, when I am in my center, it is all perfect, and not one damned thing needs to be changed.  I am addicted to being alive.  And if there is a 12 step meeting for that, I won’t be attending.

About the Author

Jay Cradeur is an author, blogger, internet marketer, world traveler, and coach. Jay has helped thousands to achieve their dreams of financial independence. As an internet marketing coach with a focus on personal development, Jay may be able to assist you in reaching your goals. You can work with Jay for a 100% refundable fee of $49 by clicking on this link and committing to your future. Work with Coach Jay.

Humility

by Jay Cradeur | Jul 29, 2012 | Integration, Relationship, Self Help

Humility

By Jay Cradeur

July 28, 2012

We just finished the July 2012 Bridge event last weekend in Baldwin, KS.  As often happens, I didn’t seem to have any big insights at the event, as I was so thoroughly engaged in delivering the event and supporting the participants toward breakthroughs.  I came back to California on Monday and jumped right back in to work.  This was probably not the smartest thing to do.  These events are energetically exhausting.  I normally would take a full week off with no serious obligations.  Still, I needed to get back to work to honor my commitments, and so I did.  Throughout the week, I felt tired, flat, at times manic, and overall quite emotional and feeling the need for some solitude.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

I have a woman in my life.  She is quite remarkable.  She keeps telling me I don’t really know her at all.  Perhaps…  I tell her that I know enough.   What I do know is I am enchanted.  What I do know is the Goddess energy is strong in her.  I also know when I have been blessed.  Yesterday, she taught me such a powerful lesson that today I can only sleep, eat, garden, cry, and now write.  In short guys, Kali kicked my ass once again.  For those of you in relationship to strong women, you know how powerful her Kali energy can be when it demands to be fully expressed.

I learned the pitfall of pride.  Yes, pride once again gets the best of me.  It works like this.  I conduct a kick ass weekend event.  Men are transformed.  On some level, I take credit for the amazing results purported by the men.  That energy, which you could call arrogance, or pride (or stupidity, because I know this one so well), imbues my being.  I begin to think I had something to do with the powerful results, and forget the very lesson we talked about at the event:  The hollow bone.  The energy comes from the great unknown, and all I am is a portal, or hollow bone, through which the energy flows.

But no, I mismanaged the whole thing, took credit, believed I am someone I am not, and as a result,  almost lost something that is warm and wonderful and precious and rare.  In my pride filled state, I am careless.  There is no other way to put it.  It is as if my brain stops working properly, and words flow out of me, and in the moment, it seems everything I am saying is smart and witty.  This was definitely not the case.  I said something careless and hurtful.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a  cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

What I said is not important.  What is important is that I recognize when I am feeling prideful, and then get my sorry ass back to gratitude and humility.  Yesterday, She and she spoke loud and clear.  I am nothing without…. Well, I am nothing.  In the end, isn’t that the message?  A hollow bone is hollow.  There is nothing there.  I am a simple portal through which everything flows.  When I fill the portal with pride, spirit doesn’t flow, and life gets hard.  The magic dies, and I am left bloodied and bruised, half dead on the side of the road.   Roar Kali Roar!

I will never forget an experience I had at an event back in 2007.  We had just completed a process.  During the process, I touched into the feelings of helplessness.  It was not your garden variety insight.  No.  I spent a good half an hour on the floor in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably, like I had never cried before.  It was a deep and extreme contact with that particular energy.  As I came out of it, I apologized to one of the guides because I continued sobbing some 5 minutes after the process was over.  This woman, a woman I adore, she told me with a smile on her face “Jay, we like you this way.”  My humbled self exposes all my humanity.  I am fully available.  My bone is completely hollowed.  I am open for it All.

As I write this, I am listening to Beggars Banquet.  Just heard a song called Salt of the Earth.  The last line is “Let’s think of the humble of birth.”  We are all humble of birth, and then some of us pick up bad habits.  I now have a powerful memory of the damage my pride and arrogance can create in my life.  I can recall quite quickly the intensity of the searing pain associated with my false visions of grandeur.  I know what I want.  I know when I have something special to protect.  I now know what I got out of the The Bridge last weekend.  I got this potent and simple lesson:  I am careless and full of hubris when I forget who I am.  I am nothing.  And when I know I am nothing, I live in a world of wonder and magic and beauty and breathtakingly delicious companionship.

I am reminded of something my old teacher told me.  “Your greatest strength and power comes from your vulnerability.”  When I am humble, I see clearly.  When I know my place in this world, everything is possible.  When I am willing to live an unfiltered life, the strength of my courage is exposed.  Acknowledging I am nothing is not a statement of weakness.  In fact, it is a statement of the highest truth.  As Jed McKenna said, “Fire doesn’t negotiate, and nothing doesn’t burn.”  Becoming nothing is The goal.  It is the end game.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a  cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

Thank you for second chances!   Hey guys?

About the Author

Jay Cradeur is an author, blogger, internet marketer, world traveler, and coach. Jay has helped thousands to achieve their dreams of financial independence. As an internet marketing coach with a focus on personal development, Jay may be able to assist you in reaching your goals. You can work with Jay for a 100% refundable fee of $49 by clicking on this link and committing to your future. Work with Coach Jay.