“Say My Name!” Author Jay Cradeur shares some lessons learned from Heisenberg aka Walter White of Breaking Bad.
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I was and still am a huge fan of the television series Breaking Bad. I have shared this series with many friends over the years and relived the excitement vicariously as they share their experiences of the television series. For those of you who missed the meth fueled phenomenon which spanned 5 seasons, Breaking Bad featured a marvelous main character named Walter White who was played by Bryan Cranston. Walter White was a chemistry high school teacher, who discovered he had terminal cancer, and decided to use his chemistry knowledge to become the worlds premier meth cook. As the series continued, Mr. White, as he was often called by his erstwhile partner and former student Jesse Pinkman, he also became a dealer and fugitive from the law. The series could have been called “The Transformation of Walter White” as this was the most fascinating aspect of the series
Walter White created an alternative persona for his meth activities, a nom de plumb. He called himself Heisenberg, and the combination of his persona and growing urban legend transformed Walter White into one of the most fascinating characters in the history of televisions. Here I will share just five of the messages I gleaned from my near religious and zealous viewing of Breaking Bad over a spectacular five seasons.
#1. Do what you are good at!
In the beginning, upon learning of his cancer diagnosis, Walter White only wanted to make enough money to cover his medical expenses and leave his wife and two children in comfort. As the series progressed, it became clear that at this final stage of his life, Walter White discovered something at which he excelled. His meth took on a blue tinge, and the purity and effectiveness of said meth was legendary. Everything that followed through the series was born out of Heisenberg’s expertise and now fully utilized talent. Making meth was not work for Walter White. He loved what he did and he did it better than anyone else.
For me the bottom line is this: “Don’t waste my life doing things that I am not good at, only to make a buck. Life is too short.”
#2. Work is an essential part of a man’s life.
This may seem obvious to some, but I feel it is often overlooked. During my time in Chiang Mai, I saw many men who were retired. They did not seem happy to me. They lost their passion and their drive. They had silenced their inner warrior. Men need something to do, something they can own, and something that allows them to express their talents. It is how we are wired: we like to be in the game. While Walter White was a good chemistry teacher, it wasn’t until he began cooking meth that he found his true magic. His gifts immediately shined through. His life transformed in many way.
#3. Be willing to negotiate most everything in life.
Breaking Bad is a drama, and as such, there are many clearly unrealistic situations which Walter and crew had to overcome. There were many times when I said to myself, “how does he get out of this one?” And right up to the final scene in the finale entitled Felina, Walter White found a way. There are many times in my life in which I have accepted the status quo, even when I wanted something else. I did not open my mouth and suggest an alternate plan. I did not think about how a change in plan could benefit all those involved. In Breaking Bad, I saw how quickly things can shift when someone is committed and willing to take action to achieve a goal.
#4. It’s about the money.
Spoiler alert: By the time we get to the last few episodes, Walter White has amassed a fortune of roughly $ 90 Million. In the end, his primary goal was to provide for his family and ensure his son and daughter would reap the rewards of his work. Money is a measure of energy, and so money is one of many measures of a man’s quality of life. There is also a “satisfaction” currency, a “travel” currency, a “balance” currency, and a “relationship” currency. However, money is still the primary societal measure of a man’s success. If I really want to do some amazing things in my life, I need money to do it.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
Paradoxically, working hard just to achieve wealth seems to be a rough road to travel. Most men look to do something they either a) are good at or B) truly enjoy or C) are good at and also enjoy. Option C is the best of both worlds. In the case of Walter White, he had both in the final years of his life. He took great pride in his meth empire, and relished the fact that he was the king of meth in the United States. In the final scene of Breaking Bad, Walter White ends up where he started, in a meth lab. He fondly touches the equipment and remembers some of his past exploits. He does not think about the money, but rather the things he did and experienced he shared.
In Walter White we see a man dealing with life according to his own rules, running roughshod over any and all masculine stereotypes.
Breaking Bad is the greatest television series of all time. As a passionate Sopranos fan, this is saying a lot. Both series feature strong, powerful and deeply flawed main male character. While the travails of Tony Soprano were indeed fascinating with all the Mafia characters and woman and violence, the steep arc of Walter White from pedestrian high school teacher to multi million-dollar meth dealer held me far more engaged.
Each episode of Breaking Bad had memorable “aha” moments. Great series do that. If you have not watched Breaking Bad, put it next on your to do list. I am excited for you. In Walter White we see a man dealing with life according to his own rules, running roughshod over any and all masculine stereotypes. I found it refreshing and inspiring to see and experience a man who felt completely free to pursue his work, dangerous and illegal as it may have been.
I am an arrogant bastard. I know this about myself, and I have worked hard to be less arrogant and less of a bastard. Usually I am fairly palatable. Still, on occasion, I can easily slip into my arrogant bastard persona, and my life takes a decidedly mundane and now predictable turn for the worse. “Know thyself” is a mantra with which I have learned to live. I am aware that we all have a dark side, and the better we know it and embrace it, the more powerful and self realized we can walk the earth. This has been true for me, and I see it in every man I have met along the path.
“Pursue, keep up with, circle round and round your life, as a dog does his master’s chaise. Do what you love. Know your own bone, gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”
I would posit that the opposite of being arrogant is being humble. When I am humble, grateful, and appreciative for all that life has to offer, my life works in a much more magical and unpredictable way. When I am humble, women seem to respond much more positively than before. There is a sense of wonder I feel in my humbleness that escapes when the arrogant bastard returns. He is always knocking on the door, but humbleness keeps his pleas to a low and forgettable level. The question that keeps me in the sweet spot is this:
“Am I open to life?”
When I am humble and grateful, much of life is magical, and mystical, and often beyond my comprehension.
Can I remain a student of life? Can I marvel at the mysteries of life? Can I treat my relationships as fresh and alive? Or do I feel I know everything? Do I think I have it all figured out? Do I know my partner inside and out, and there is no room for discovery and revelation? One set of questions works, and the other set of questions does not work. My old sales manager use to say this to me: “When you are green, you’re growing. When you are ripe, you’re rotten.”
This article is an invitation to stay open. Take a look at your hands as you put them palms up. This is a great pneumonic device. Are you an open hand, or a closed fist? I know that when I am open, I capture so much more of this amazing life experience. When I am humble and grateful, much of life is magical, and mystical, and often beyond my comprehension. This is where I chose to live, unless I get in my own way. William Blake used a powerful expression in his poem, London. The expression is “mind forged manacles.” I can choose whether I will be a prisoner of my own mind, a subject of ego.
“In every cry of every Man,
In every Infants cry of fear,
In every voice: in every ban,
The mind-forg’d manacles I hear.”
From the poem London by William Blake
In the movie, Meet Joe Black, William Parish, a wealthy titan of industry played by Anthony Hopkins, is speaking with his daughter. He is sharing his thoughts about her boyfriend. He shares that he is concerned she has chosen her boyfriend because he is a good fit, but there is no passion. She feels she is doing the right thing, picking a guy who is her social match. However her Dad implores her to stay open for someone else, because “lightning may strike.” William Parish tells his daughter he wants her to be open for real love. He says:
“I want you to levitate.
I want you to sing with rapture
and dance like a dervish.”
Open hands or closed fist?
Am I open to life?
The great poems, the great pieces of literature, the world’s great art, they are all born out of nothing. An author, a painter, a sculptor, they sit in front of a blank screen or canvas or slab of clay, and they remain open to a special spirit to inhabit them and guide them to create beauty. The same is true for each and every one of us, if we but remain open. When the fist is closed, nothing can enter. All entrances are shut. Life simply repeats, as we have known it. Relationships, in this environment, often wither and die from a lack of new energy. A relationship lived as stifling suffocation is no way to live. It is a slow death, and eventually, one partner will have to break out and get some fresh air.
“Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”
Staying open is an opportunity to turn on your music device, listen to Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love, crank the volume way, way up, and let the wall of sound envelop you.
I have observed that when I am open, I am vulnerable. As a man, this can be uncomfortable at times. I prefer to be in charge, to know where I am going, and to be leading the way. Being open requires a paradigm shift. It requires an appreciation of vulnerability as ultimate strength. It demands that we value the unknown over the known. My old teacher, author Stuart Wilde, said our greatest strength is our vulnerability. Remaining vulnerable, especially for men, is a challenging road to hoe. And for that reason, it can also be the most satisfying.
Living in the question of “Am I open to life” requires a subtle shift in perception. Vulnerability does not mean weakness. This is a common masculine response and misconception. Instead it means being willing to move through life with what Shunryu Suzuki calls “beginner’s mind.” Staying open is an opportunity to turn on your music device, listen to Led Zeppelin’sWhole Lotta Love, crank the volume way, way up, and let the wall of sound envelop you. Staying open is a que to the universe, inviting into your experience all that life has to offer.
“If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything, it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. ”
― Shunryu Suzuki
Am I open to life? I invite you to ask yourself this question often and in earnest. Take notice of how this impacts everyone in your life. I believe every moment is a moment for ongoing transformation. Each moment is a choice. Each moment we can feel a spirit inside of us that longs for connection and expansion and realization. Or we can pretend we have it all figured out, and be resolute, and plod on through. Perhaps our primary job is to stay open, keep our mind and body receptive, and watch as life gifts us with joys and pleasures and wisdom unimaginable.
Author Jay Cradeur shares the one surefire thing you can do to make her day, open her heart, and see her smile. It is easier than you think and it works every time.
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“Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside of them. And it’s much cheaper to buy somebody a book than it is to buy them the whole world!” Neil Gaiman
This is an article about gifts and generosity. It is about giving, and not expecting anything in return. Let’s begin with a movie. I have watched the film Finding Forrester at least 10 times. As a writer, every time I watch this gem of a movie, I continue to gather little nuggets of wisdom about the creative process. Sean Connery stars as William Forrester, an older man who wrote just one book in his career, a Pulitzer prize winning book called Avalon Landing. After some 30 years, he had never written another book. Instead, he became a bit of a recluse due to some unresolved personal issues, and lives in a small inner city apartment across the street from a basketball court. He reluctantly takes on Jamaal Wallace (played by Rob Brown), a young black man, as his protoge.
“You can always tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.” Audrey Hepburn
For all the writers out there (and aren’t we all writers?), William Forrester emphasized the importance of writing more and thinking less. As he said, if you sit at the typewriter or keyboard, Type! Begin typing even if you don’t have anything to type. Soon something will start to develop. I have put this to good use. Second, William Forrester said the best part of writing comes after the first draft is complete. Once the first draft is done, he could then go and read it through for the first time. When I heard this, I completely agreed. There is no better feeling that to pound out a 1,000 word article and then stop, take a short break to make a fresh cup of coffee or tea, and then get back to the screen to read through the first draft. It is one of the best life experiences. Only a writer will appreciate it, but appreciate it we do.
“But, I learned a few things along the way which might be of help with this young lady you’re always talking about.”
However the biggest takeaway from the movie is a little bit of dating advice he gives to Jamaal. William and Jamaal were talking about writing, and presenting to a group, and then William said, “But, I learned a few things along the way which might be of help with this young lady you’re always talking about.” William Forrester then said something I have never forgot and I don’t think you will either:
“The key to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.”
William Forrester in Finding Forrester
“Unexpected gift, unexpected time.” Those words are now locked into my memory. I recommend you lock them in too. I have included the YouTube video of this two minute scene at the bottom of this article for your viewing pleasure. Better yet, rent or download the movie. It is a classic.
William’s advice does raise a question as to what is the most appropriate gift to give to your partner. According to author Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, there are five different ways that we can communicate love, but only one or two for which your partner will respond. The five love languages are:
Gifts –
Your partner most appreciates physical gifts like books, earnings, chocolate, jewelry, or flowers.
Quality Time –
Your partner most appreciates it when you spend time together without interruption, so a gift of a weekend out of town (read this article on Weekend Getaways if this is you), or even an afternoon at a spa where you can get a couples massage.
Words of Affirmation –
Your partner appreciates when you say or write and share words that let her know how much you love her. You might write her a poem, or simply tell her how amazing she is and how lucky you feel having her in your life.
Act of Service –
Your partner appreciates it when you do the dishes, paint a room, change the car oil, etc. “Honey, I love you and I want to paint the baby’s room, which color do you like?”
Physical Touch –
Your partner wants to feel you, and feel your touch. I recommended giving her a 30 minute (or 60 minutes if you are up to it) massage. Or maybe taking a walk and holding her hand will do the trick.
Stroke my hair and I will purr like a cat. Tell me I amaze you each and every day and I will rearrange my life for you.
Figure out which one your partner best hears and appreciates. Also figure out which one you hear and respond to most clearly. It is wonderful to have this understanding so you know when you give that unexpected gift at the unexpected time, your partner will really feel it and appreciate your generosity and consideration. Personally, I am a touch and word guy. That is what I like. Put your arms around me and tell me how you feel. Stroke my hair and I will purr like a cat. Tell me I amaze you each and every day and I will rearrange my life for you. That is all I need. Gifts, time and service don’t do much for me. We are all different. Don’t make any assumptions. Ask your partner the question.
That is it. Let it rip. Find out what she likes. Get the gift. Surprise her with what she most wants, when she least expects to get it. You will be pleased with how well this works. If you do offer your partner an unexpected gift at an unexpected time, come back here and comment how it went over. Tell us what type of gift you gave and what kind of response you received. I wish the best of luck to you all.
Author Jay Cradeur shares 5 steps for transforming heartache and anger to love and compassion. It starts with saying three words you don’t want to hear.
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“That Fucking Bitch!”
This is how it starts. It starts with the acknowledgement that I am pissed off! This may not seem like a very evolved masculine response, but it is. We men can not and must not bury our feelings. We need to express them. We need to get them out of our body and mind and heart, and release the toxin. There isn’t a man I know who has not experienced the feeling of heartache that is most accurately expressed as “That Fucking Bitch!”
How do we move on from the experience of having our hearts ripped out of our bodies while some female is laughing and jumping up and down on top of it all the while pouring salt all over the wounds before walking away like nothing happened?
We all know it. We all fear it. We all operate in a way that we can avoid it all together. It is this behavior that closes down our hearts, shuts down our natural self-expression, and limits our prospects for any real love and joy in our lives. How do we move on from the experience of having our hearts ripped out of our bodies while some female is laughing and jumping up and down on top of it all the while pouring salt all over the wounds before walking away like nothing happened? I am not saying this is how women behave. I am saying this is how it feels for the masculine when you start messing with his ego and his ever so sensitive heart.
I can tell you that I recently expressed these words. “That Fucking Bitch!” I spit those words out in rage and anger with as much venom as I could muster. I was hurt. I was devastated. I wanted revenge. I lied awake at night thinking of all the ways I could hurt her back. What could I say about her? What could I do to let her know that I hated her for her indifference? When would I ever stop thinking about my plan of attack? These are the 5 techniques I utilized to bring myself back to center, and arrive at a place of love and compassion. Try them out and see how you fare.
I Did Not Do Anything
Do Not React! Do not attack. Do not speak about it. Instead, breathe it in. It is hard to do but you can do it. This is a wonderful time to resume your meditation practice. Feel the degree of pain you are in. It is a rare space. While it does not feel good now, remember that your greatest lessons come from your greatest pain. If this is a doozy of a pain, then you will be experiencing a doozy of a personal transformation from this experience. Respond to your pain by feeling it. Don’t attack. Don’t eat or drink or drug or sex to ease the feelings. Stick with it while you can. This is your time of profound growth. Don’t throw it away.
I Wrote My Feelings Down On Paper
Get it out of your head. Put it down on paper, or type it into your MacBook Pro. As you start the writing process, you will start to make some general observations, and notice how point A connects to point B, and things will begin to make some sense. In my recent experience, as I started to right things down, I came to realize that the woman’s actions weren’t really personal. She behaved in much the same way I discount a woman in my life for whom I don’t have any feelings. It is not personal. The feelings just are not there. I discovered this by writing down my memories of our last time together, and what I remembered of her final words.
I Put Myself In Her Shoes
The first two steps should have you feeling some distance. Now, either in meditation, or you can close your eyes, put yourself in the woman’s shoes. How was she feeling? Did she display any behaviors that would have given you a clue as to why she ended it? As her, how do you see you? From her point of view, objectively, how did you (the guy) behave. Did you come on too strong? Were you too pushy? Did you make some assumptions that were too big of a leap? Did she really mean to hurt you, or rather was she in a space of self preservation? Did she chose happiness over you? Isn’t that a logical choice? What do you see when you live in her shoes?
I Asked Myself, Who Am I Really Hurting?
By now, your left brain should start kicking in. When you are spewing out extreme anger, who are you hurting? You are certainly not hurting her. If you believe in karma, you must realize all that anger will come back on you ten fold. When you start to evaluate your situation in the harsh light of day, all the anger is an albatross around your neck. Let it go. It only makes sense.
I Choose Personal Growth Over Everything. Period!
I could have written I choose love, or I choose forgiveness, but this isn’t about love and there is no one to forgive. There is, however, a huge opportunity for personal growth, expansion, spiritual liberation, and transformation. She did what she did, and you are reacting and responding to it in your own way. She is a catalyst for you to do some profound personal growth. It never feels like that when it happens. I got it. But as time goes by, you will grow by leaps and bounds because you chose to be vulnerable, and a magnificent life happens when you are vulnerable. You may experience some of the most beautiful feelings known to man in a vulnerable state, and you can also have your heart ripped out of your chest. All of this is so much better than encasing your heart in concrete and never letting anybody in. Playing it safe is for cowards.
Once I went through these five steps, I had only one more thing to do. I communicated with the woman, and told her how I felt. I told her that she hurt me. I told her that I had opened up to her, and felt blind sided and devastated after our final time together. I shared that with her so she would have some awareness around how she is in a relationship. I was not angry or vengeful, or spiteful. I simple opened my heart and shared. This completed the process for me.
Recently, I felt the sting that just won’t easily go away. It touches deep. In the end, it reunites me with me. It is a reminder of my powerlessness.
If I am completely honest, I must acknowledge heartache is a permanent condition. It is not a popular thing to say, but it is true. How can I live in this world and not feel heartache? But I don’t. It’s easier to busy myself, distract with trees and gifts, boardrooms and blow jobs, temples and rice fields, and forget about the gritty real world outside of my home. Starvation, disease, poverty, violence, well, it’s just too much to bear.
However, occasionally, I can’t keep the heartache on the other side of the door. As I have shared, and you men all know too well, a woman elicits very powerful feelings. Recently, I felt the sting that just won’t easily go away. It touches deep. In the end, it reunites me with me. It is a reminder of my powerlessness. I know not to run from it. Soon enough, it will lift and life will resume its Technicolor dream quality. But for the moment, I must surrender to it while bittersweet melancholy breathes through me.
Amen to that. Last weekend I felt about as close to death as I care to feel. Three months ago, I began to experience the symptoms of BPH (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia) which is an enlargement of the prostate. When the prostate gets too large, it impedes one’s ability to urinate. This is a very common ailment among men over 50. Statistics indicate half of men over 60 suffer from this condition.
FlowMax.
This is a drug you may have seen advertised on television. Now you know what it is designed to do for its customers. It is one of many drugs created for BPH sufferers. Three months ago, I noticed I was not able to urinate with ease. I needed to apply quite a bit of pressure, and then when I started to see some action, I still wasn’t feeling completely emptied. The doctor here in Thailand prescribed a medication and it worked like a dream. One pill at night, and I was back to my normal “peeing like a racehorse” status. The honeymoon lasted two months.
Last Friday, I was having a very difficult time urinating. No matter how hard a grunted, strained, and patiently waited, virtually nothing came out. I don’t know if you realize how painful it is to have a full bladder with no way to empty it. I went through two days of living hell. I did not sleep. It was excruciating. I don’t mind telling you that I screamed in utter despair. I must have taken 50 mini showers to relax my muscles, so I could squeeze just enough out to relieve the pain for a few minutes. I distinctly remember thinking that death would be better than this.
On Sunday morning, I jumped into a taxi and went to the local hospital. My stomach looked like I had eaten a tight-as-a-drum basketball. I was hurting. I had taken four times the recommended dosage of my medication, and 3 Advil every few hours, so I also felt woozy and light headed. I was really out of it in every way imaginable. I had read that the most promising and immediate solution was a catheter flush. For those not familiar with the process, a long rubber tube is inserted into the tip of a man’s penis, pushed past the prostate, into the bladder, and then the urine can freely flow out into a bag or glass jar. It sounds painful, and it was at first, but then the sensation of all that urine flowing out of me was something I will never forget. I had two lovely Thai nurses kneaded my stomach to squeeze out all the urine. They were shocked out how much had come out of the farong (westerner). I basically filled two Best Foods Mayonnaise jars. Epic.
I left the hospital and thoroughly enjoyed my walk home in the sun. The pain which I had endured for 48 hours was gone. I planned to go to another hospital on Monday morning (the next day), and see a specialist to figure out what we could do on a more permanent basis. My respite lasted six hours, and soon I was back in pain and had to dig in for another hellish night. Again, I dragged myself to the hospital in the morning, again they rushed me onto a gurney, again a Thai nurse shoved a catheter in me, and soon I was able to peacefully doze to sleep while I waited in urinary bliss for the doctor.
During this past weekend, I felt very alone.
I have no family here in Thailand. I have a few friends, but they don’t rank very high on the “comforting” scale. I missed my children, and asked myself why was I still in Thailand, when my plan was always to return to the USA for a spell, and then venture out to some new distant destination, like Ecuador, or Morocco, or Spain. 65 is when I will settle down. I still have nine years of vagabonding ahead of me. Why the change in plans? As this week wore on, I have realized I need to be home, for a variety of reasons, none the least of which is to spend time with my family. America, here I come.
So you must be wondering: “Jay, how did you fix your prostate?” We haven’t yet. The doctor told me to keep the catheter in me for one to two weeks. That’ right! I have been walking around Chiang Mai with a catheter inside of me and a bag attached to my leg. It’s not so bad, although I am just vain enough to wear long jeans instead of my de rigueur shorts. According to the doctor, this will give my bladder some time to heal from the extreme stretching it endured during the past weekend. I am also to drink at least two liters of water per day to clean out the plumbing. He also gave me some much stronger and more effective medicine to try. I visit the doctor tomorrow and we will see if I can urinate like the days of old. If all goes well, I will once again “pee like a racehorse!” If not, then we have to look at surgical options, which I will wholeheartedly embrace. Let’s get this fixed so I may resume my catheter-less physical life of exercise and intimacy.
When the universe sends me a message, it is often spoken with great strength and gusto. I must be somewhat dense, as my messages are never subtle. They are about a subtle as a two by four across the forehead, or in this case, a basketball in my belly! Last weekend was such a message. Get home. Get to work. Keep writing. Keep coaching. Be the best Dad I can be. I have two more weeks here in Thailand. I am already making a mini bucket list of experiences I want to have one more time before I leave. My year in Thailand has been one of the best years of my life. Apparently I am now ready to bring the Thai magic back to my little neck of the woods in America. Tally Ho.
Author Jay Cradeur shares how a night buried in Mother Earth can change everything for a man.
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Death is the greatest catalyst for change. I invite you to think about that. The closer one feels death’s long spindly fingers beckoning you toward a new infinity, the more seriously and focused one experiences this precious life. I have heard people cavalierly say they are not afraid of death. My good friend use to say that. I use to say it too. Four years ago my friend was stuck with breast cancer. In all humility and with death knocking at her door, she acknowledged her bravado had been subdued, and indeed, she did not want to die, and had tremendous fear about leaving this place for the unknown. When death touches us, we are changed. As I get older, and my youthful indestructible and immortal feelings give way to inevitability, priorities change.
Christopher Hitchens, one of my favorite authors, who died a few years back, far too soon from throat cancer, had this to say to talk show host Charlie Rose about mortality:
“I think a focus on mortality is a useful thing to have…. You should always know your time is very limited, and that you are lucky to live in a time and a place where you can be healthy until you are 60 as I was. Most people in history have not even had a chance to hope for a thing like that.”
For this reason, death, the fear of death and an awareness of our mortality, is a recommended component of a powerful initiation ritual. I remember sitting in a Native American sweat lodge with 20 other men, pitch black, all feeling the fear of death as the stifling heat from the steam of water poured over red hot rocks enveloped us. Having participated in several hundred such rituals, I have learned a few things.
…during one of my first initiation rituals, my goal was to mitigate my fear of living with an open heart. I was terrified of being vulnerable and sharing myself. I was afraid of being hurt.
First, I must be clear that some part of me is going to die during the ritual. It is important that I choose what that is and speak it aloud. Second, some new part of me is going to be birthed. As a result, I will experience a transformation. For example, during one of my first initiation rituals, my goal was to mitigate my fear of living with an open heart. I was terrified of being vulnerable and sharing myself. I was afraid of being hurt. During the ritual, I felt that profound hurt, and then it was lifted. In its place, a more authentic and real me showed up, capable of greater love and self-expression. It was a glorious moment in my life. This was the beginning of an ascent into my inner life, no longer looking outside of myself for my satisfaction, but rather looking within to understand and know who I was an who I was not.
One tribe in Africa creates a pair of gloves with live toxic bullet ant stingers on the inside lining. The initiate must wear the gloves for a period of 10 minutes, the bullet ants stinging the entire time…
In 2004, I undertook to create a powerful three-day men’s event to speed up this inward search, which would provide an immense opportunity for men to experience a transformation. I researched the term, initiation ritual, and discovered a wide variety of practices from all over the globe. Some I deemed too intense for my liking. One tribe in Africa creates a pair of gloves with live toxic bullet ant stingers on the inside lining. The initiate must wear the gloves for a period of 10 minutes, the bullet ants stinging the entire time, and he then must endure the impact of the toxin and the pain of the stings for the next 24 hours. To be deemed a warrior in this village, a young man must endure said ritual 20 times. I passed on that idea.
In the honeybee ritual, the initiate is laid flat in a deep hole in the ground, and then set up with a tube at his mouth to breathe, and some beeswax to cover his ears, eyes, and nose.
Then the dirt is placed on top of his body, completely filling the hole.
During my research, I read the book Of Water and the Spirit by Malidoma Some. In his book, Some introduced me to a few of the initiation rituals of the Dagara tribe in Africa. I became particularly interested in the burial ritual. In this ritual, the young boys who were to be initiated into manhood dug a hole in the ground. The hole could either be horizontal, like a traditional burial site, or vertical, so the boy could stand in the hole, and then dirt was added up to his neck. In either case, the boy was stuck in the ground up to his neck, unable to free himself of his own accord.
About this same time, I discovered a book called The Shamanic Way of the Bee. This book chronicles the relationship between an initiate and an apprentice. The mentor and those of his group studied and revered the honeybee. The book is a discourse on the value of living one’s life in accordance with the ways of the honeybee. It is a fascinating read, and I recall being fully engaged through and through. Unbelievably, at the end of the book, the initiate leads the apprentice through yet another burial ritual (you wouldn’t think there were so many burial rituals!). This ritual is far more intense than the Dagara ritual. In the honeybee ritual, the initiate is laid flat in a deep hole in the ground, and then set up with a tube at his mouth to breathe, and some beeswax to cover his ears, eyes, and nose. Then the dirt is placed on top of his body, completely filling the hole. The participant has no choice but to lie still over night, unable to speak, move or free himself until dug up the following morning. Just the thought of this ritual sends shivers up my spine. Here is an excerpt:
… “I felt her wrap me in her dark wings, and in the presence of death I saw my life: how petty I had been in my actions, what a judge I was of others, my arrogance, my indifference, my cynicism, and my pride. I was filled with regrets for wasting so much precious time, for putting off so much to a nonexistent tomorrow.”
I searched amongst my network and found just one person that had undertaken a burial ritual. He reported that it was a difficult experience, very challenging, and well worth the effort. Next, I decided to do the ritual myself in order to test its efficacy. I dug a seven foot by four foot hole in the ground, about four feet deep, in my back yard. I lit my sage stick and smudged the area, prepared my candle, wrapped myself in a blanket with my arms at my side, and climbed into the hole. A friend assisted me into the hole and also carefully shoveled the dirt on me, paying close attention to the proximity of the shovel to my head.
As I sat there with my self for 12 hours, I began to ponder what was important and what was a waste of time in my life. The burial ritual made that distinction very clear. People were important. Things were not.
It is quite a sensation to be buried alive. I felt the earth being scooped on me. It is a surreal moment. At first it is OK. Then I noticed the incredible weight of the earth and still it felt like it was OK. Then I tried to move my foot and nothing. It was as if I was in a solid piece of concrete. I had no idea just how heavy and form fitting the earth would be. My heart started racing as I couldn’t find any way out. I told my friend that there was enough earth on my legs as I couldn’t move them at all. In addition to my panic about not being able to move my body, I also began to fear about the end of this process, and would I be able to dig myself out. With what little trust I still had, and after some tears, I took some deep breaths and worked to center myself and remember I was simply in a hole in the earth. But it sure didn’t feel like that. It felt like death and no control and a free fall into oblivion. I failed to make it through the night on my first attempt.
Ah, what a feeling to experience the sun and its warmth after a long cold night in exile. I had asked to have George Harrison’s Here Comes The Sun played for me just as the sun broke over the horizon. It was a moment I will never forget!
My perception was very heightened and acute during the ritual. I did feel very small. I was on the level of insects and weeds. I delighted to see a little bug fly past my eyes, his wings catching the last bit of daylight, and then landing on a shrub not two feet from me. Did you know that when a hummingbird buzzes by, it is very loud? I also soon realized I didn’t have use of my hands. I got an itch on my nose, or felt a bug on my neck, and I was unable to scratch. Instead, I shook my head, or scrunched up my face, to alleviate the little irritants. I was nothing more than a bowling ball with eyes sitting on the ground.
The burial ritual is very beautiful in that it simplifies things. We are asked in the ritual to imagine that our life had ended. How would you feel if you did not have a tomorrow? As I sat there in Mother Earth, alone with my self for 12 hours, I began to ponder what was important and what was a waste of time in my life. The burial ritual made that distinction very clear. People were important. Things were not. I also put a focus on those things in my life, that if I did not do, I would feel deep regret. World travel was on that list. Writing my first book was on that list. Being a good Dad was on that list. Doing more men’s events was on that list. These feelings all erupted out of my close proximity to death.
On my second attempt at the burial ritual, I did make it through the night. I made friends with my pain, the plants, the insects, and the slow moving stars in the sky. I was still in the ground when glorious sunlight hit my face. Ah, what a feeling to experience the sun and its warmth after a long cold night in exile. I had asked to have George Harrison’s Here Comes The Sun played for me just as the sun broke over the horizon. It was a moment I will never forget!
As a result of sharing my experience with my band of brothers, men asked me if they could participate in a burial ritual. I created an event called The Bridge, and men paid me to bury them alive. You may ask yourself, why would a man want to be buried alive? Let me give you my three best answers:
“Most guys just want to be in the game, not sitting on the sidelines watching.” This ritual put me and every man who did it, in a very special game. Truly it was a game of life and death.
Men Love Challenges
We do! When men see something that looks challenging, most men want in. When a man hears about the burial ritual, he instinctively asks himself, “Could I do that? Could I make it through a night?” When I hear about something, and I am not sure I can do it, then I want to do it and give it a go, just to see if I can. I heard an interview with actor Mark Walberg, and he said something that stuck me as true: “Most guys just want to be in the game, not sitting on the sidelines watching.” This ritual put me and every man who did it, in a very special game. Truly it was a game of life and death.
Men Crave Self Knowledge
Every man I have ever known has a profound depth to his being. We think. We figure things out. In general, women are more feeling based creatures. Men are more thought based creatures. We men want to know just what this life experience is all about. Why are we here? What is my purpose? As Walt Whitman famously said:
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”
Consequently, when we have an opportunity to put ourselves is a situation that will be a catalyst for wisdom and self knowledge, many men will jump at the chance. We want the multitudes of which Whitman speaks. Being buried in the ground is a profound transcendental experience. Since your arms are by your side and the weight of the earth so great, you are not able to move. You are, in fact, helpless. It requires dramatic surrender, and supreme peace of mind. The men were witnessed and cared for throughout the night by the other men. The bats were flying about. The full moon was there to keep everyone company. And the journey of each man’s soul was rich, multi layered and textured.
Men Are Drawn To The Flame
We men have a love affair with the unknown. Many men enjoy the feeling of fear, trepidation, of dancing with uncertainty. I refer to this as living at my edge. It is not comfortable, but very enlivening. We brothers feel most alive when we are extremely challenged.
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
No one wants to live in quiet desperation. Therefore an opportunity to participate in a life altering, rigorous, physically demanding experience such as a burial ritual is very attractive. When a man does not know if he is up for the task, that is a good sign he is ready to undertake the task. The possibility of real failure is where men find the juice of life. It is not the sure thing we want. We fear and want the unknown and the wisdom that comes with the experience.
It was a privilege to be with courageous men in that vulnerable state, holding space while they dealt with their own mortality and sorted out their priorities in life. It was very gratifying to see men humbled and focused on what was important, and painfully clear on what was not.
I stopped doing the burial ritual events 2 years ago. It was too difficult for most men. Being that close to death brought up deep old wounds. I set my sights on travel and writing. Still, the memories of those events are as strong and potent as any memories I have. Men were real. All the social facades dropped off in the face of a night in the earth. It was a privilege to be with courageous men in that vulnerable state, holding space while they dealt with their own mortality and sorted out their priorities in life. It was very gratifying to see men humbled and focused on what was important, and painfully clear on what was not. Death, thank you for your profound alchemy. Life just wouldn’t be the same without you.
Author Jay Cradeur shares his most influential masculine movies that you probably have not seen. Each of these hidden gems grossed less than $30 Million.
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“I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.”
“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
“There is no spoon.”
“Freedom!!”
“The things you own end up owning you.”
I love movies. Throughout my life, movies have provided me escape, knowledge, excitement, drama, and exuberance. The quotes above come from my five of my favorite and most influential movies of all time. The Godfather, Apocalypse Now Redux, The Matrix, Braveheart, and Fight Club all have informed me as a man. But you have all seen those movies. I dug through my list of all time favorites and found nine that haven’t really seen the light of day. Personally, when someone recommends a movie to me and I have not seen it yet, I feel like a giddy boy on Christmas morning. This happened recently when a friend recommended Mr. Turner, which was a remarkable and powerful character study of a creative force of nature. So now, for your reading and viewing pleasure, ranked in reverse order of box office gross, I present some potent opportunities for masculine pleasure and wisdom.
Anthony Hopkins stars in this film. Hopkins is one of my most bankable stars. If he is in a movie, I will most likely enjoy the film. Titanic masculine films such as Meet Joe Black, Silence of the Lambs, Legends of the Fall are all in his filmography. In The Edge, we observe a very smart man, a wealthy man, in battle against a bear and the foibles of his fellow man. He uses his intelligence to survive. I revere this movie for the line “What one man can do, another can do!” Alec Baldwin co stars.
You will never forget the scene of Pierce Brosnan walking through a five star hotel lobby in only his underwear and cowboy boots.
Pierce Brosnan stars as a Julian, a middle aged hit man going through a mid life crisis. As Julian skills degrade, he begins to lose his focus. Greg Kinnear, a down on his luck businessman, plays the straight man. They forge an unlikely friendship that develops throughout the film. This movie is funny, and insightful, and is a study in trust, brotherhood and compassion. You will never forget the scene of Pierce Brosnan walking through a five star hotel lobby in only his underwear and cowboy boots. For those of us who have rounded 50, and are heading into the final half of our lives, you will appreciate the humor and irony of this film. The Matador reminded me that it is ok to say “Fuck It!”once in a while and do what I want regardless of what other people may think. Actually, as a writer, I am reminded of this quite a bit.
I was surprised to see that this film only grossed $10M. This movie is a siren song for the white collar working man. With Ron Livingston as Peter, the quintessential bored, under utilized office drone who has a transcendental moment and figures out a new way to survive and thrive in his Initech corporate world. Instead of going back to work after his experience, he stays home for a week, sitting on his couch and watching Kung Fu. Staring Jennifer Anniston as a flair wearing waitress and Peter’s love interest, this comedy is funny and biting at the same time. Gary Cole plays Peter’s boss, Lumbergh, to our joyous delight. Riiiiiight!
Andy Garcia plays the every man who finds himself bored with life, and willing to give a few new people and opportunities a chance to generate some excitement before it is too late. He is proud to live with his wife and daughter in a little strip of land near New York City called City Island. With Juliana Margulies as his wife, we see painfully well the malaise that can envelop a marriage, and the potential for destruction that lies at the heart of ennui. This movie has some great scenes that you will not soon forget. Garcia’s movie audition scene will give you chills.
Elegy also features Dennis Hopper who plays Kingsley’s best friend… I feel many men will ask themselves if they have the same kind of friendship and intimacy and honesty with another man in their life. It is a question worth asking and a relationship worth seeking out.
Ben Kingsley nails his resistant middle aged character to perfection. He plays a very successful author, lecturer and professor who falls in love with one of his much younger students, played decadently by Penelope Cruz. Here we see self-sabotage at its most painful. If you can imagine Penelope Cruz loving you absolutely, and you love her, and still, and you push her away, then you may begin to feel the self-loathing we see in Kingsley’s character. It seems idiotic and non sensical for such a brilliant man to behave so irrationally, but such is the power of our own mind, and wounds of the past. This guy can’t get out of his own way, even with Ms. Cruz waiting for him to show up. The end of this film is heartbreaking. Elegy also features Dennis Hopper who plays Kingsley’s best friend. They share some brutally honest conversations, the kind men live for. Through this relationship, I feel many men will ask themselves if they have the same kind of friendship and intimacy and honesty with another man in their life. It is a question worth asking and a relationship worth seeking out.
Epic. Locke, played by Tom Hardy, spends the entire film in his BMW driving from work to a hospital some two hours away. As we watch Locke and listen to his conversations with his workers, his children, his wife and his superiors, we begin to realize this guy has to make a decision not a one of us would want to make. Locke is a fascinating character study of a man and his evolving definition of integrity, and his willingness to destroy his family and work life to finally, for once in his life, do the right thing. This movie will have you asking the question, what would I have done?
Oh my. Warning, this movie has some graphic scenes. It is a tough watch for men. This is one of the first Ellen Page movies before she hit it big with Juno. Here she plays an sexually abused young woman, who has captured and confronts her abuser. Not only does she confront him, but she feels what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She is not one to turn the other cheek. In this movie, we see feminine rage, and the impact abuse, both masculine and feminine, can have on human beings. Powerful stuff if you have the stomach for it.
Our final two movies grossed less than $500,000 combined. Both deliver powerful bravado performances. Brit Marling stars as Maggie, the charismatic leader of a small cult. Members are heavily vetted, must bath before every interaction with the female leader, and are asked to believe that which seems unbelievable. She confronts her members with her truth and asks them to believe or leave. Maggie tells her followers: “When you are quiet and really still, you will be able to hear the sound of my voice.” The male character, Peter, played by Christopher Denham, is a documentary filmmaker, intent on exposing the cult leader as a fraud. As the film continues, and we see and hear more from Maggie, Peter must decide for himself what is reality and what is not. It is a wonderful study of a man living with a question, a man lying to himself, who is in constant dialogue with his woman partner, unsure whether he should walk away or take action. If you are looking for answers, you won’t find them in this movie.
Jake Green finds himself in a an elevator, by himself, claustrophobic, confronting his ego, battling his ego, and ultimately transcending his ego. I recall watching this the first time and thinking, “Is this going where I think it is going?” This movie is one of the few I have seen that shows a man going through the painful death of ego and birth of awakening.
Remarkably, Revolver, which grossed the least, is the most influential of the movies on the list. This movie lives on my top five of all time list, knocking Fight Club to number six. And as you can see, absolutely no one has watched this masterpiece. I have read reviews of the movie, and no one seems to get the significance of the film. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. Jake Green, played by Jason Statham, has just been released from prison and has some old debts to settle. He meets a few unusual characters along the way, and while we are following the story, theories of chess and gamesmanship are presented to the viewer. It is mental candy for the masculine. Ray Liotta plays the main nemesis in the film. As the movie concludes, Jake Green finds himself in a an elevator, by himself, claustrophobic, confronting his ego, battling his ego, and ultimately transcending his ego. I recall watching this the first time and thinking, “Is this going where I think it is going?” This movie is one of the few I have seen that shows a man going through the painful death of ego and birth of awakening. It is powerful if you can see what is there. My hats off to Guy Ritchie for the courage to make a decidedly non-mainstream film that delivers such a powerful message.
There you go. Let the downloading begin. If you watch a movie on this list and liked the movie or have something to say about the movie, be sure to come back here and make a comment. If you have seen any of these movies and have a different take than me, please share. I would love to hear what you have to say. Movies, especially in this time of overwhelming information deluge, give us an opportunity to escape into a new world, a world in which we can be passive, receptive, engaged, surrendered, educated and entertained. Most movies are not up to the task. These nine movies which have been hand selected for you will, I believe, hold your hand, lead you across the river, and deliver you safely to the other side.
