Amen to that. Last weekend I felt about as close to death as I care to feel. Three months ago, I began to experience the symptoms of BPH (Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia) which is an enlargement of the prostate. When the prostate gets too large, it impedes one’s ability to urinate. This is a very common ailment among men over 50. Statistics indicate half of men over 60 suffer from this condition.
FlowMax.
This is a drug you may have seen advertised on television. Now you know what it is designed to do for its customers. It is one of many drugs created for BPH sufferers. Three months ago, I noticed I was not able to urinate with ease. I needed to apply quite a bit of pressure, and then when I started to see some action, I still wasn’t feeling completely emptied. The doctor here in Thailand prescribed a medication and it worked like a dream. One pill at night, and I was back to my normal “peeing like a racehorse” status. The honeymoon lasted two months.
Last Friday, I was having a very difficult time urinating. No matter how hard a grunted, strained, and patiently waited, virtually nothing came out. I don’t know if you realize how painful it is to have a full bladder with no way to empty it. I went through two days of living hell. I did not sleep. It was excruciating. I don’t mind telling you that I screamed in utter despair. I must have taken 50 mini showers to relax my muscles, so I could squeeze just enough out to relieve the pain for a few minutes. I distinctly remember thinking that death would be better than this.
On Sunday morning, I jumped into a taxi and went to the local hospital. My stomach looked like I had eaten a tight-as-a-drum basketball. I was hurting. I had taken four times the recommended dosage of my medication, and 3 Advil every few hours, so I also felt woozy and light headed. I was really out of it in every way imaginable. I had read that the most promising and immediate solution was a catheter flush. For those not familiar with the process, a long rubber tube is inserted into the tip of a man’s penis, pushed past the prostate, into the bladder, and then the urine can freely flow out into a bag or glass jar. It sounds painful, and it was at first, but then the sensation of all that urine flowing out of me was something I will never forget. I had two lovely Thai nurses kneaded my stomach to squeeze out all the urine. They were shocked out how much had come out of the farong (westerner). I basically filled two Best Foods Mayonnaise jars. Epic.
I left the hospital and thoroughly enjoyed my walk home in the sun. The pain which I had endured for 48 hours was gone. I planned to go to another hospital on Monday morning (the next day), and see a specialist to figure out what we could do on a more permanent basis. My respite lasted six hours, and soon I was back in pain and had to dig in for another hellish night. Again, I dragged myself to the hospital in the morning, again they rushed me onto a gurney, again a Thai nurse shoved a catheter in me, and soon I was able to peacefully doze to sleep while I waited in urinary bliss for the doctor.
During this past weekend, I felt very alone.
I have no family here in Thailand. I have a few friends, but they don’t rank very high on the “comforting” scale. I missed my children, and asked myself why was I still in Thailand, when my plan was always to return to the USA for a spell, and then venture out to some new distant destination, like Ecuador, or Morocco, or Spain. 65 is when I will settle down. I still have nine years of vagabonding ahead of me. Why the change in plans? As this week wore on, I have realized I need to be home, for a variety of reasons, none the least of which is to spend time with my family. America, here I come.
So you must be wondering: “Jay, how did you fix your prostate?” We haven’t yet. The doctor told me to keep the catheter in me for one to two weeks. That’ right! I have been walking around Chiang Mai with a catheter inside of me and a bag attached to my leg. It’s not so bad, although I am just vain enough to wear long jeans instead of my de rigueur shorts. According to the doctor, this will give my bladder some time to heal from the extreme stretching it endured during the past weekend. I am also to drink at least two liters of water per day to clean out the plumbing. He also gave me some much stronger and more effective medicine to try. I visit the doctor tomorrow and we will see if I can urinate like the days of old. If all goes well, I will once again “pee like a racehorse!” If not, then we have to look at surgical options, which I will wholeheartedly embrace. Let’s get this fixed so I may resume my catheter-less physical life of exercise and intimacy.
When the universe sends me a message, it is often spoken with great strength and gusto. I must be somewhat dense, as my messages are never subtle. They are about a subtle as a two by four across the forehead, or in this case, a basketball in my belly! Last weekend was such a message. Get home. Get to work. Keep writing. Keep coaching. Be the best Dad I can be. I have two more weeks here in Thailand. I am already making a mini bucket list of experiences I want to have one more time before I leave. My year in Thailand has been one of the best years of my life. Apparently I am now ready to bring the Thai magic back to my little neck of the woods in America. Tally Ho.
Author Jay Cradeur shares how a night buried in Mother Earth can change everything for a man.
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Death is the greatest catalyst for change. I invite you to think about that. The closer one feels death’s long spindly fingers beckoning you toward a new infinity, the more seriously and focused one experiences this precious life. I have heard people cavalierly say they are not afraid of death. My good friend use to say that. I use to say it too. Four years ago my friend was stuck with breast cancer. In all humility and with death knocking at her door, she acknowledged her bravado had been subdued, and indeed, she did not want to die, and had tremendous fear about leaving this place for the unknown. When death touches us, we are changed. As I get older, and my youthful indestructible and immortal feelings give way to inevitability, priorities change.
Christopher Hitchens, one of my favorite authors, who died a few years back, far too soon from throat cancer, had this to say to talk show host Charlie Rose about mortality:
“I think a focus on mortality is a useful thing to have…. You should always know your time is very limited, and that you are lucky to live in a time and a place where you can be healthy until you are 60 as I was. Most people in history have not even had a chance to hope for a thing like that.”
For this reason, death, the fear of death and an awareness of our mortality, is a recommended component of a powerful initiation ritual. I remember sitting in a Native American sweat lodge with 20 other men, pitch black, all feeling the fear of death as the stifling heat from the steam of water poured over red hot rocks enveloped us. Having participated in several hundred such rituals, I have learned a few things.
…during one of my first initiation rituals, my goal was to mitigate my fear of living with an open heart. I was terrified of being vulnerable and sharing myself. I was afraid of being hurt.
First, I must be clear that some part of me is going to die during the ritual. It is important that I choose what that is and speak it aloud. Second, some new part of me is going to be birthed. As a result, I will experience a transformation. For example, during one of my first initiation rituals, my goal was to mitigate my fear of living with an open heart. I was terrified of being vulnerable and sharing myself. I was afraid of being hurt. During the ritual, I felt that profound hurt, and then it was lifted. In its place, a more authentic and real me showed up, capable of greater love and self-expression. It was a glorious moment in my life. This was the beginning of an ascent into my inner life, no longer looking outside of myself for my satisfaction, but rather looking within to understand and know who I was an who I was not.
One tribe in Africa creates a pair of gloves with live toxic bullet ant stingers on the inside lining. The initiate must wear the gloves for a period of 10 minutes, the bullet ants stinging the entire time…
In 2004, I undertook to create a powerful three-day men’s event to speed up this inward search, which would provide an immense opportunity for men to experience a transformation. I researched the term, initiation ritual, and discovered a wide variety of practices from all over the globe. Some I deemed too intense for my liking. One tribe in Africa creates a pair of gloves with live toxic bullet ant stingers on the inside lining. The initiate must wear the gloves for a period of 10 minutes, the bullet ants stinging the entire time, and he then must endure the impact of the toxin and the pain of the stings for the next 24 hours. To be deemed a warrior in this village, a young man must endure said ritual 20 times. I passed on that idea.
In the honeybee ritual, the initiate is laid flat in a deep hole in the ground, and then set up with a tube at his mouth to breathe, and some beeswax to cover his ears, eyes, and nose.
Then the dirt is placed on top of his body, completely filling the hole.
During my research, I read the book Of Water and the Spirit by Malidoma Some. In his book, Some introduced me to a few of the initiation rituals of the Dagara tribe in Africa. I became particularly interested in the burial ritual. In this ritual, the young boys who were to be initiated into manhood dug a hole in the ground. The hole could either be horizontal, like a traditional burial site, or vertical, so the boy could stand in the hole, and then dirt was added up to his neck. In either case, the boy was stuck in the ground up to his neck, unable to free himself of his own accord.
About this same time, I discovered a book called The Shamanic Way of the Bee. This book chronicles the relationship between an initiate and an apprentice. The mentor and those of his group studied and revered the honeybee. The book is a discourse on the value of living one’s life in accordance with the ways of the honeybee. It is a fascinating read, and I recall being fully engaged through and through. Unbelievably, at the end of the book, the initiate leads the apprentice through yet another burial ritual (you wouldn’t think there were so many burial rituals!). This ritual is far more intense than the Dagara ritual. In the honeybee ritual, the initiate is laid flat in a deep hole in the ground, and then set up with a tube at his mouth to breathe, and some beeswax to cover his ears, eyes, and nose. Then the dirt is placed on top of his body, completely filling the hole. The participant has no choice but to lie still over night, unable to speak, move or free himself until dug up the following morning. Just the thought of this ritual sends shivers up my spine. Here is an excerpt:
… “I felt her wrap me in her dark wings, and in the presence of death I saw my life: how petty I had been in my actions, what a judge I was of others, my arrogance, my indifference, my cynicism, and my pride. I was filled with regrets for wasting so much precious time, for putting off so much to a nonexistent tomorrow.”
I searched amongst my network and found just one person that had undertaken a burial ritual. He reported that it was a difficult experience, very challenging, and well worth the effort. Next, I decided to do the ritual myself in order to test its efficacy. I dug a seven foot by four foot hole in the ground, about four feet deep, in my back yard. I lit my sage stick and smudged the area, prepared my candle, wrapped myself in a blanket with my arms at my side, and climbed into the hole. A friend assisted me into the hole and also carefully shoveled the dirt on me, paying close attention to the proximity of the shovel to my head.
As I sat there with my self for 12 hours, I began to ponder what was important and what was a waste of time in my life. The burial ritual made that distinction very clear. People were important. Things were not.
It is quite a sensation to be buried alive. I felt the earth being scooped on me. It is a surreal moment. At first it is OK. Then I noticed the incredible weight of the earth and still it felt like it was OK. Then I tried to move my foot and nothing. It was as if I was in a solid piece of concrete. I had no idea just how heavy and form fitting the earth would be. My heart started racing as I couldn’t find any way out. I told my friend that there was enough earth on my legs as I couldn’t move them at all. In addition to my panic about not being able to move my body, I also began to fear about the end of this process, and would I be able to dig myself out. With what little trust I still had, and after some tears, I took some deep breaths and worked to center myself and remember I was simply in a hole in the earth. But it sure didn’t feel like that. It felt like death and no control and a free fall into oblivion. I failed to make it through the night on my first attempt.
Ah, what a feeling to experience the sun and its warmth after a long cold night in exile. I had asked to have George Harrison’s Here Comes The Sun played for me just as the sun broke over the horizon. It was a moment I will never forget!
My perception was very heightened and acute during the ritual. I did feel very small. I was on the level of insects and weeds. I delighted to see a little bug fly past my eyes, his wings catching the last bit of daylight, and then landing on a shrub not two feet from me. Did you know that when a hummingbird buzzes by, it is very loud? I also soon realized I didn’t have use of my hands. I got an itch on my nose, or felt a bug on my neck, and I was unable to scratch. Instead, I shook my head, or scrunched up my face, to alleviate the little irritants. I was nothing more than a bowling ball with eyes sitting on the ground.
The burial ritual is very beautiful in that it simplifies things. We are asked in the ritual to imagine that our life had ended. How would you feel if you did not have a tomorrow? As I sat there in Mother Earth, alone with my self for 12 hours, I began to ponder what was important and what was a waste of time in my life. The burial ritual made that distinction very clear. People were important. Things were not. I also put a focus on those things in my life, that if I did not do, I would feel deep regret. World travel was on that list. Writing my first book was on that list. Being a good Dad was on that list. Doing more men’s events was on that list. These feelings all erupted out of my close proximity to death.
On my second attempt at the burial ritual, I did make it through the night. I made friends with my pain, the plants, the insects, and the slow moving stars in the sky. I was still in the ground when glorious sunlight hit my face. Ah, what a feeling to experience the sun and its warmth after a long cold night in exile. I had asked to have George Harrison’s Here Comes The Sun played for me just as the sun broke over the horizon. It was a moment I will never forget!
As a result of sharing my experience with my band of brothers, men asked me if they could participate in a burial ritual. I created an event called The Bridge, and men paid me to bury them alive. You may ask yourself, why would a man want to be buried alive? Let me give you my three best answers:
“Most guys just want to be in the game, not sitting on the sidelines watching.” This ritual put me and every man who did it, in a very special game. Truly it was a game of life and death.
Men Love Challenges
We do! When men see something that looks challenging, most men want in. When a man hears about the burial ritual, he instinctively asks himself, “Could I do that? Could I make it through a night?” When I hear about something, and I am not sure I can do it, then I want to do it and give it a go, just to see if I can. I heard an interview with actor Mark Walberg, and he said something that stuck me as true: “Most guys just want to be in the game, not sitting on the sidelines watching.” This ritual put me and every man who did it, in a very special game. Truly it was a game of life and death.
Men Crave Self Knowledge
Every man I have ever known has a profound depth to his being. We think. We figure things out. In general, women are more feeling based creatures. Men are more thought based creatures. We men want to know just what this life experience is all about. Why are we here? What is my purpose? As Walt Whitman famously said:
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.”
Consequently, when we have an opportunity to put ourselves is a situation that will be a catalyst for wisdom and self knowledge, many men will jump at the chance. We want the multitudes of which Whitman speaks. Being buried in the ground is a profound transcendental experience. Since your arms are by your side and the weight of the earth so great, you are not able to move. You are, in fact, helpless. It requires dramatic surrender, and supreme peace of mind. The men were witnessed and cared for throughout the night by the other men. The bats were flying about. The full moon was there to keep everyone company. And the journey of each man’s soul was rich, multi layered and textured.
Men Are Drawn To The Flame
We men have a love affair with the unknown. Many men enjoy the feeling of fear, trepidation, of dancing with uncertainty. I refer to this as living at my edge. It is not comfortable, but very enlivening. We brothers feel most alive when we are extremely challenged.
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
No one wants to live in quiet desperation. Therefore an opportunity to participate in a life altering, rigorous, physically demanding experience such as a burial ritual is very attractive. When a man does not know if he is up for the task, that is a good sign he is ready to undertake the task. The possibility of real failure is where men find the juice of life. It is not the sure thing we want. We fear and want the unknown and the wisdom that comes with the experience.
It was a privilege to be with courageous men in that vulnerable state, holding space while they dealt with their own mortality and sorted out their priorities in life. It was very gratifying to see men humbled and focused on what was important, and painfully clear on what was not.
I stopped doing the burial ritual events 2 years ago. It was too difficult for most men. Being that close to death brought up deep old wounds. I set my sights on travel and writing. Still, the memories of those events are as strong and potent as any memories I have. Men were real. All the social facades dropped off in the face of a night in the earth. It was a privilege to be with courageous men in that vulnerable state, holding space while they dealt with their own mortality and sorted out their priorities in life. It was very gratifying to see men humbled and focused on what was important, and painfully clear on what was not. Death, thank you for your profound alchemy. Life just wouldn’t be the same without you.
Author Jay Cradeur shares his most influential masculine movies that you probably have not seen. Each of these hidden gems grossed less than $30 Million.
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“I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.”
“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
“There is no spoon.”
“Freedom!!”
“The things you own end up owning you.”
I love movies. Throughout my life, movies have provided me escape, knowledge, excitement, drama, and exuberance. The quotes above come from my five of my favorite and most influential movies of all time. The Godfather, Apocalypse Now Redux, The Matrix, Braveheart, and Fight Club all have informed me as a man. But you have all seen those movies. I dug through my list of all time favorites and found nine that haven’t really seen the light of day. Personally, when someone recommends a movie to me and I have not seen it yet, I feel like a giddy boy on Christmas morning. This happened recently when a friend recommended Mr. Turner, which was a remarkable and powerful character study of a creative force of nature. So now, for your reading and viewing pleasure, ranked in reverse order of box office gross, I present some potent opportunities for masculine pleasure and wisdom.
Anthony Hopkins stars in this film. Hopkins is one of my most bankable stars. If he is in a movie, I will most likely enjoy the film. Titanic masculine films such as Meet Joe Black, Silence of the Lambs, Legends of the Fall are all in his filmography. In The Edge, we observe a very smart man, a wealthy man, in battle against a bear and the foibles of his fellow man. He uses his intelligence to survive. I revere this movie for the line “What one man can do, another can do!” Alec Baldwin co stars.
You will never forget the scene of Pierce Brosnan walking through a five star hotel lobby in only his underwear and cowboy boots.
Pierce Brosnan stars as a Julian, a middle aged hit man going through a mid life crisis. As Julian skills degrade, he begins to lose his focus. Greg Kinnear, a down on his luck businessman, plays the straight man. They forge an unlikely friendship that develops throughout the film. This movie is funny, and insightful, and is a study in trust, brotherhood and compassion. You will never forget the scene of Pierce Brosnan walking through a five star hotel lobby in only his underwear and cowboy boots. For those of us who have rounded 50, and are heading into the final half of our lives, you will appreciate the humor and irony of this film. The Matador reminded me that it is ok to say “Fuck It!”once in a while and do what I want regardless of what other people may think. Actually, as a writer, I am reminded of this quite a bit.
I was surprised to see that this film only grossed $10M. This movie is a siren song for the white collar working man. With Ron Livingston as Peter, the quintessential bored, under utilized office drone who has a transcendental moment and figures out a new way to survive and thrive in his Initech corporate world. Instead of going back to work after his experience, he stays home for a week, sitting on his couch and watching Kung Fu. Staring Jennifer Anniston as a flair wearing waitress and Peter’s love interest, this comedy is funny and biting at the same time. Gary Cole plays Peter’s boss, Lumbergh, to our joyous delight. Riiiiiight!
Andy Garcia plays the every man who finds himself bored with life, and willing to give a few new people and opportunities a chance to generate some excitement before it is too late. He is proud to live with his wife and daughter in a little strip of land near New York City called City Island. With Juliana Margulies as his wife, we see painfully well the malaise that can envelop a marriage, and the potential for destruction that lies at the heart of ennui. This movie has some great scenes that you will not soon forget. Garcia’s movie audition scene will give you chills.
Elegy also features Dennis Hopper who plays Kingsley’s best friend… I feel many men will ask themselves if they have the same kind of friendship and intimacy and honesty with another man in their life. It is a question worth asking and a relationship worth seeking out.
Ben Kingsley nails his resistant middle aged character to perfection. He plays a very successful author, lecturer and professor who falls in love with one of his much younger students, played decadently by Penelope Cruz. Here we see self-sabotage at its most painful. If you can imagine Penelope Cruz loving you absolutely, and you love her, and still, and you push her away, then you may begin to feel the self-loathing we see in Kingsley’s character. It seems idiotic and non sensical for such a brilliant man to behave so irrationally, but such is the power of our own mind, and wounds of the past. This guy can’t get out of his own way, even with Ms. Cruz waiting for him to show up. The end of this film is heartbreaking. Elegy also features Dennis Hopper who plays Kingsley’s best friend. They share some brutally honest conversations, the kind men live for. Through this relationship, I feel many men will ask themselves if they have the same kind of friendship and intimacy and honesty with another man in their life. It is a question worth asking and a relationship worth seeking out.
Epic. Locke, played by Tom Hardy, spends the entire film in his BMW driving from work to a hospital some two hours away. As we watch Locke and listen to his conversations with his workers, his children, his wife and his superiors, we begin to realize this guy has to make a decision not a one of us would want to make. Locke is a fascinating character study of a man and his evolving definition of integrity, and his willingness to destroy his family and work life to finally, for once in his life, do the right thing. This movie will have you asking the question, what would I have done?
Oh my. Warning, this movie has some graphic scenes. It is a tough watch for men. This is one of the first Ellen Page movies before she hit it big with Juno. Here she plays an sexually abused young woman, who has captured and confronts her abuser. Not only does she confront him, but she feels what is good for the goose is good for the gander. She is not one to turn the other cheek. In this movie, we see feminine rage, and the impact abuse, both masculine and feminine, can have on human beings. Powerful stuff if you have the stomach for it.
Our final two movies grossed less than $500,000 combined. Both deliver powerful bravado performances. Brit Marling stars as Maggie, the charismatic leader of a small cult. Members are heavily vetted, must bath before every interaction with the female leader, and are asked to believe that which seems unbelievable. She confronts her members with her truth and asks them to believe or leave. Maggie tells her followers: “When you are quiet and really still, you will be able to hear the sound of my voice.” The male character, Peter, played by Christopher Denham, is a documentary filmmaker, intent on exposing the cult leader as a fraud. As the film continues, and we see and hear more from Maggie, Peter must decide for himself what is reality and what is not. It is a wonderful study of a man living with a question, a man lying to himself, who is in constant dialogue with his woman partner, unsure whether he should walk away or take action. If you are looking for answers, you won’t find them in this movie.
Jake Green finds himself in a an elevator, by himself, claustrophobic, confronting his ego, battling his ego, and ultimately transcending his ego. I recall watching this the first time and thinking, “Is this going where I think it is going?” This movie is one of the few I have seen that shows a man going through the painful death of ego and birth of awakening.
Remarkably, Revolver, which grossed the least, is the most influential of the movies on the list. This movie lives on my top five of all time list, knocking Fight Club to number six. And as you can see, absolutely no one has watched this masterpiece. I have read reviews of the movie, and no one seems to get the significance of the film. Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. Jake Green, played by Jason Statham, has just been released from prison and has some old debts to settle. He meets a few unusual characters along the way, and while we are following the story, theories of chess and gamesmanship are presented to the viewer. It is mental candy for the masculine. Ray Liotta plays the main nemesis in the film. As the movie concludes, Jake Green finds himself in a an elevator, by himself, claustrophobic, confronting his ego, battling his ego, and ultimately transcending his ego. I recall watching this the first time and thinking, “Is this going where I think it is going?” This movie is one of the few I have seen that shows a man going through the painful death of ego and birth of awakening. It is powerful if you can see what is there. My hats off to Guy Ritchie for the courage to make a decidedly non-mainstream film that delivers such a powerful message.
There you go. Let the downloading begin. If you watch a movie on this list and liked the movie or have something to say about the movie, be sure to come back here and make a comment. If you have seen any of these movies and have a different take than me, please share. I would love to hear what you have to say. Movies, especially in this time of overwhelming information deluge, give us an opportunity to escape into a new world, a world in which we can be passive, receptive, engaged, surrendered, educated and entertained. Most movies are not up to the task. These nine movies which have been hand selected for you will, I believe, hold your hand, lead you across the river, and deliver you safely to the other side.
Death is the greatest catalyst for change.
