Life as a path of joy. “The What? How do I stop the damned thinking”
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I think too much. At least, I think… I think too much. When I think of my childhood, I am saddened at the current state of my own internal affairs. I remember riding my bike, the wind blowing cool in my face, and pure adrenalin excitement pumping through my veins. I didn’t stress over the height of the curb. I didn’t give a thought to my physical condition and how I would make it all the way to the grocery store and back. I never considered the possibility of a car wiping me out. Truly, as I look back, given all the amazing and often life threatening experiences I had, I must have been doubly blessed by angels. Where did the angels go? Where did those experiences go? Where did I go?
It is an impressive accomplishment, and even more so for men, to retain our childlike qualities. Wonderful timeless qualities such as curiosity, wonder, innocence, and passion in the moment come to mind. I recently saw an interview of the French photographer, Henri Cartier-Bresson, who is considered the greatest photographer of the twentieth century. What a life he led! He spoke about his experiences traveling the world, engaging in conversations with Henri Matisse and Picasso. I particularly noticed one statement he made. Twice, during the interview, he said:
“Thinking can be a dangerous thing.”
Henri Cartier-Bresson
Not once, but twice! This concept was something he had obviously come to grips with early on in his life. He kept talking about the subtle textures of the life experience, and how his job as photographer was to feel when the moment was right to click his camera. He repeatedly said it was all about feel as he gently rubbed his fingers together. I began to think (there I go again) about how this concept could apply to my life.
If I remember the best sex I ever had, there it is. Joy. Actually, if I remember just about any sex I have had, there it is!
Can I live with less thinking and more joy? Ah yes, Joy. Having a good time. Enjoying myself. Bringing a smile to the face of others. Feeling a lightness of being. While this is not my normal operating system, I do know joy. I have experienced its elusive and always glorious nature. Still, joy feels like a foreigner in a foreign land.
Take a deep breath here Mr. Jay. You may actually enjoy this.
Where is the Joy?
If I remember the best sex I ever had, there it is. Joy. Actually, if I remember just about any sex I have had, there it is! If I remember the birth of any of my children, there it is. If I remember how I feel after an initiation ritual, there it is. If I remember how I feel after making a big sale, there it is. If I remember sitting around a campfire with my close friends, there it is. If I remember how I felt when I looked at the scale, and I had achieved my 3-month weight loss goal, there it is again.
Now it is the time for joy in all it’s glory: ongoing, ever lasting, and full on.
Memories of Joy
I notice that all my joy comes as a result of an experience, and more specifically the memory of those experiences. In the moment, I think. How do I stop the damned thinking? Seems I have never been much of a “smell the roses” kind of guy. Growing up as a male in America, I was taught to have goals, work hard, achieve great things, and then take on the next project. There was never much emphasis (actually none) on joy. And I know I am not alone. Having spent 15 years of my life in men’s transformational weekend events, I can tell you there is not much joy among the brothers.
Calling in Joy
I call in joy. I call in my joy. I am too old to do things I do not want to do. If I want to do something, then I will do it with joy in my heart. I call in joy that is not dependent on a situation, an accomplishment, nor another. I call in joy as my way of being. Today I say to myself: “I am joy!” While this will no doubt make some of my buddies want to vomit, I am too old and too tired to keep pushing a boulder up a hill. Rather, I will follow the boulder down the other side of the hill, and smile all the way to the end.
Embrace The Unknown
So what do you do with an over active thinking mechanism? I believe we all have to sort that one out for ourselves. It would seem that recognizing my left brain dominant situation and committing to a life of more feeling is the first step. I find myself increasingly drawn to situations that I can’t figure out. I am drawn to matters of the spirit and the lives of mystics. I participate in group events that produce a tangible energy I can feel. Then I remember, bit by bit, what I am here to do. I keep jumping back into the fire, to feel the fire, and keep some of the fire in my heart. And if I see you on my path (which is your path), and we feel the same thing together, truly it is a most glorious heartfelt connection. I live for those moments. We are all teachers for each other. If only we can stop thinking about how to get more than we give. Thinking can be a dangerous thing, even in the ditches and on the side roads of life.
Dare to be Happy
Taking a stand for joy requires some courage. Dare to be happy. This affirmation will require discipline. This way of being is not for the dramatic, the emotional, nor the weak. It takes some balls to say “I choose joy.” Try it out and really mean it. Just for today, greet every experience with joy. When your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend does that thing they do that you hate so much, greet it with joy. Transform your experience. When you lose that sale that you were counting on, bring joy rather than disappointment. When the waiter brings you a cold hamburger, can you experience joy rather than anger? When you realize this life, this one glorious life that you have, when you realize it is all going to come to an end, can you still greet each day with joy? Through heartache and betrayal, through hurt and failure, will you chose joy?
No Regrets
There was a time when I thought talk of joy was utter bullshit. I would say to my brothers, life is about challenge, life is about burning, and unearthing those searing bits of my unconscious, and reliving past painful events, so as to become the hollow bone through which spirit may freely flow. I have done all that. It was hard, and at times, brutally painful, and it required a powerful vision to stay the path. Occasional exuberance was a welcome by product of the work. However, as one who has walked the path for three decades, I can now say there could have been more joy. Hell, there could have been a whole bunch more joy. I am not one to lament the past, but there is a truth to be gleaned from my own experiences. I never chose joy in the past. Today I choose joy.
I tell you, I hear you snickering on the sidelines. I know well of your feelings of derision. “Has he lost his mind?”
“Say My Name!” Author Jay Cradeur shares some lessons learned from Heisenberg aka Walter White of Breaking Bad.
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I was and still am a huge fan of the television series Breaking Bad. I have shared this series with many friends over the years and relived the excitement vicariously as they share their experiences of the television series. For those of you who missed the meth fueled phenomenon which spanned 5 seasons, Breaking Bad featured a marvelous main character named Walter White who was played by Bryan Cranston. Walter White was a chemistry high school teacher, who discovered he had terminal cancer, and decided to use his chemistry knowledge to become the worlds premier meth cook. As the series continued, Mr. White, as he was often called by his erstwhile partner and former student Jesse Pinkman, he also became a dealer and fugitive from the law. The series could have been called “The Transformation of Walter White” as this was the most fascinating aspect of the series
Walter White created an alternative persona for his meth activities, a nom de plumb. He called himself Heisenberg, and the combination of his persona and growing urban legend transformed Walter White into one of the most fascinating characters in the history of televisions. Here I will share just five of the messages I gleaned from my near religious and zealous viewing of Breaking Bad over a spectacular five seasons.
#1. Do what you are good at!
In the beginning, upon learning of his cancer diagnosis, Walter White only wanted to make enough money to cover his medical expenses and leave his wife and two children in comfort. As the series progressed, it became clear that at this final stage of his life, Walter White discovered something at which he excelled. His meth took on a blue tinge, and the purity and effectiveness of said meth was legendary. Everything that followed through the series was born out of Heisenberg’s expertise and now fully utilized talent. Making meth was not work for Walter White. He loved what he did and he did it better than anyone else.
For me the bottom line is this: “Don’t waste my life doing things that I am not good at, only to make a buck. Life is too short.”
#2. Work is an essential part of a man’s life.
This may seem obvious to some, but I feel it is often overlooked. During my time in Chiang Mai, I saw many men who were retired. They did not seem happy to me. They lost their passion and their drive. They had silenced their inner warrior. Men need something to do, something they can own, and something that allows them to express their talents. It is how we are wired: we like to be in the game. While Walter White was a good chemistry teacher, it wasn’t until he began cooking meth that he found his true magic. His gifts immediately shined through. His life transformed in many way.
#3. Be willing to negotiate most everything in life.
Breaking Bad is a drama, and as such, there are many clearly unrealistic situations which Walter and crew had to overcome. There were many times when I said to myself, “how does he get out of this one?” And right up to the final scene in the finale entitled Felina, Walter White found a way. There are many times in my life in which I have accepted the status quo, even when I wanted something else. I did not open my mouth and suggest an alternate plan. I did not think about how a change in plan could benefit all those involved. In Breaking Bad, I saw how quickly things can shift when someone is committed and willing to take action to achieve a goal.
#4. It’s about the money.
Spoiler alert: By the time we get to the last few episodes, Walter White has amassed a fortune of roughly $ 90 Million. In the end, his primary goal was to provide for his family and ensure his son and daughter would reap the rewards of his work. Money is a measure of energy, and so money is one of many measures of a man’s quality of life. There is also a “satisfaction” currency, a “travel” currency, a “balance” currency, and a “relationship” currency. However, money is still the primary societal measure of a man’s success. If I really want to do some amazing things in my life, I need money to do it.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
Paradoxically, working hard just to achieve wealth seems to be a rough road to travel. Most men look to do something they either a) are good at or B) truly enjoy or C) are good at and also enjoy. Option C is the best of both worlds. In the case of Walter White, he had both in the final years of his life. He took great pride in his meth empire, and relished the fact that he was the king of meth in the United States. In the final scene of Breaking Bad, Walter White ends up where he started, in a meth lab. He fondly touches the equipment and remembers some of his past exploits. He does not think about the money, but rather the things he did and experienced he shared.
In Walter White we see a man dealing with life according to his own rules, running roughshod over any and all masculine stereotypes.
Breaking Bad is the greatest television series of all time. As a passionate Sopranos fan, this is saying a lot. Both series feature strong, powerful and deeply flawed main male character. While the travails of Tony Soprano were indeed fascinating with all the Mafia characters and woman and violence, the steep arc of Walter White from pedestrian high school teacher to multi million-dollar meth dealer held me far more engaged.
Each episode of Breaking Bad had memorable “aha” moments. Great series do that. If you have not watched Breaking Bad, put it next on your to do list. I am excited for you. In Walter White we see a man dealing with life according to his own rules, running roughshod over any and all masculine stereotypes. I found it refreshing and inspiring to see and experience a man who felt completely free to pursue his work, dangerous and illegal as it may have been.
I am an arrogant bastard. I know this about myself, and I have worked hard to be less arrogant and less of a bastard. Usually I am fairly palatable. Still, on occasion, I can easily slip into my arrogant bastard persona, and my life takes a decidedly mundane and now predictable turn for the worse. “Know thyself” is a mantra with which I have learned to live. I am aware that we all have a dark side, and the better we know it and embrace it, the more powerful and self realized we can walk the earth. This has been true for me, and I see it in every man I have met along the path.
“Pursue, keep up with, circle round and round your life, as a dog does his master’s chaise. Do what you love. Know your own bone, gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”
I would posit that the opposite of being arrogant is being humble. When I am humble, grateful, and appreciative for all that life has to offer, my life works in a much more magical and unpredictable way. When I am humble, women seem to respond much more positively than before. There is a sense of wonder I feel in my humbleness that escapes when the arrogant bastard returns. He is always knocking on the door, but humbleness keeps his pleas to a low and forgettable level. The question that keeps me in the sweet spot is this:
“Am I open to life?”
When I am humble and grateful, much of life is magical, and mystical, and often beyond my comprehension.
Can I remain a student of life? Can I marvel at the mysteries of life? Can I treat my relationships as fresh and alive? Or do I feel I know everything? Do I think I have it all figured out? Do I know my partner inside and out, and there is no room for discovery and revelation? One set of questions works, and the other set of questions does not work. My old sales manager use to say this to me: “When you are green, you’re growing. When you are ripe, you’re rotten.”
This article is an invitation to stay open. Take a look at your hands as you put them palms up. This is a great pneumonic device. Are you an open hand, or a closed fist? I know that when I am open, I capture so much more of this amazing life experience. When I am humble and grateful, much of life is magical, and mystical, and often beyond my comprehension. This is where I chose to live, unless I get in my own way. William Blake used a powerful expression in his poem, London. The expression is “mind forged manacles.” I can choose whether I will be a prisoner of my own mind, a subject of ego.
“In every cry of every Man,
In every Infants cry of fear,
In every voice: in every ban,
The mind-forg’d manacles I hear.”
From the poem London by William Blake
In the movie, Meet Joe Black, William Parish, a wealthy titan of industry played by Anthony Hopkins, is speaking with his daughter. He is sharing his thoughts about her boyfriend. He shares that he is concerned she has chosen her boyfriend because he is a good fit, but there is no passion. She feels she is doing the right thing, picking a guy who is her social match. However her Dad implores her to stay open for someone else, because “lightning may strike.” William Parish tells his daughter he wants her to be open for real love. He says:
“I want you to levitate.
I want you to sing with rapture
and dance like a dervish.”
Open hands or closed fist?
Am I open to life?
The great poems, the great pieces of literature, the world’s great art, they are all born out of nothing. An author, a painter, a sculptor, they sit in front of a blank screen or canvas or slab of clay, and they remain open to a special spirit to inhabit them and guide them to create beauty. The same is true for each and every one of us, if we but remain open. When the fist is closed, nothing can enter. All entrances are shut. Life simply repeats, as we have known it. Relationships, in this environment, often wither and die from a lack of new energy. A relationship lived as stifling suffocation is no way to live. It is a slow death, and eventually, one partner will have to break out and get some fresh air.
“Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”
Staying open is an opportunity to turn on your music device, listen to Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love, crank the volume way, way up, and let the wall of sound envelop you.
I have observed that when I am open, I am vulnerable. As a man, this can be uncomfortable at times. I prefer to be in charge, to know where I am going, and to be leading the way. Being open requires a paradigm shift. It requires an appreciation of vulnerability as ultimate strength. It demands that we value the unknown over the known. My old teacher, author Stuart Wilde, said our greatest strength is our vulnerability. Remaining vulnerable, especially for men, is a challenging road to hoe. And for that reason, it can also be the most satisfying.
Living in the question of “Am I open to life” requires a subtle shift in perception. Vulnerability does not mean weakness. This is a common masculine response and misconception. Instead it means being willing to move through life with what Shunryu Suzuki calls “beginner’s mind.” Staying open is an opportunity to turn on your music device, listen to Led Zeppelin’sWhole Lotta Love, crank the volume way, way up, and let the wall of sound envelop you. Staying open is a que to the universe, inviting into your experience all that life has to offer.
“If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything, it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. ”
― Shunryu Suzuki
Am I open to life? I invite you to ask yourself this question often and in earnest. Take notice of how this impacts everyone in your life. I believe every moment is a moment for ongoing transformation. Each moment is a choice. Each moment we can feel a spirit inside of us that longs for connection and expansion and realization. Or we can pretend we have it all figured out, and be resolute, and plod on through. Perhaps our primary job is to stay open, keep our mind and body receptive, and watch as life gifts us with joys and pleasures and wisdom unimaginable.
Author Jay Cradeur shares the one surefire thing you can do to make her day, open her heart, and see her smile. It is easier than you think and it works every time.
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“Books make great gifts because they have whole worlds inside of them. And it’s much cheaper to buy somebody a book than it is to buy them the whole world!” Neil Gaiman
This is an article about gifts and generosity. It is about giving, and not expecting anything in return. Let’s begin with a movie. I have watched the film Finding Forrester at least 10 times. As a writer, every time I watch this gem of a movie, I continue to gather little nuggets of wisdom about the creative process. Sean Connery stars as William Forrester, an older man who wrote just one book in his career, a Pulitzer prize winning book called Avalon Landing. After some 30 years, he had never written another book. Instead, he became a bit of a recluse due to some unresolved personal issues, and lives in a small inner city apartment across the street from a basketball court. He reluctantly takes on Jamaal Wallace (played by Rob Brown), a young black man, as his protoge.
“You can always tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.” Audrey Hepburn
For all the writers out there (and aren’t we all writers?), William Forrester emphasized the importance of writing more and thinking less. As he said, if you sit at the typewriter or keyboard, Type! Begin typing even if you don’t have anything to type. Soon something will start to develop. I have put this to good use. Second, William Forrester said the best part of writing comes after the first draft is complete. Once the first draft is done, he could then go and read it through for the first time. When I heard this, I completely agreed. There is no better feeling that to pound out a 1,000 word article and then stop, take a short break to make a fresh cup of coffee or tea, and then get back to the screen to read through the first draft. It is one of the best life experiences. Only a writer will appreciate it, but appreciate it we do.
“But, I learned a few things along the way which might be of help with this young lady you’re always talking about.”
However the biggest takeaway from the movie is a little bit of dating advice he gives to Jamaal. William and Jamaal were talking about writing, and presenting to a group, and then William said, “But, I learned a few things along the way which might be of help with this young lady you’re always talking about.” William Forrester then said something I have never forgot and I don’t think you will either:
“The key to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.”
William Forrester in Finding Forrester
“Unexpected gift, unexpected time.” Those words are now locked into my memory. I recommend you lock them in too. I have included the YouTube video of this two minute scene at the bottom of this article for your viewing pleasure. Better yet, rent or download the movie. It is a classic.
William’s advice does raise a question as to what is the most appropriate gift to give to your partner. According to author Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, there are five different ways that we can communicate love, but only one or two for which your partner will respond. The five love languages are:
Gifts –
Your partner most appreciates physical gifts like books, earnings, chocolate, jewelry, or flowers.
Quality Time –
Your partner most appreciates it when you spend time together without interruption, so a gift of a weekend out of town (read this article on Weekend Getaways if this is you), or even an afternoon at a spa where you can get a couples massage.
Words of Affirmation –
Your partner appreciates when you say or write and share words that let her know how much you love her. You might write her a poem, or simply tell her how amazing she is and how lucky you feel having her in your life.
Act of Service –
Your partner appreciates it when you do the dishes, paint a room, change the car oil, etc. “Honey, I love you and I want to paint the baby’s room, which color do you like?”
Physical Touch –
Your partner wants to feel you, and feel your touch. I recommended giving her a 30 minute (or 60 minutes if you are up to it) massage. Or maybe taking a walk and holding her hand will do the trick.
Stroke my hair and I will purr like a cat. Tell me I amaze you each and every day and I will rearrange my life for you.
Figure out which one your partner best hears and appreciates. Also figure out which one you hear and respond to most clearly. It is wonderful to have this understanding so you know when you give that unexpected gift at the unexpected time, your partner will really feel it and appreciate your generosity and consideration. Personally, I am a touch and word guy. That is what I like. Put your arms around me and tell me how you feel. Stroke my hair and I will purr like a cat. Tell me I amaze you each and every day and I will rearrange my life for you. That is all I need. Gifts, time and service don’t do much for me. We are all different. Don’t make any assumptions. Ask your partner the question.
That is it. Let it rip. Find out what she likes. Get the gift. Surprise her with what she most wants, when she least expects to get it. You will be pleased with how well this works. If you do offer your partner an unexpected gift at an unexpected time, come back here and comment how it went over. Tell us what type of gift you gave and what kind of response you received. I wish the best of luck to you all.
Author Jay Cradeur shares 5 steps for transforming heartache and anger to love and compassion. It starts with saying three words you don’t want to hear.
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“That Fucking Bitch!”
This is how it starts. It starts with the acknowledgement that I am pissed off! This may not seem like a very evolved masculine response, but it is. We men can not and must not bury our feelings. We need to express them. We need to get them out of our body and mind and heart, and release the toxin. There isn’t a man I know who has not experienced the feeling of heartache that is most accurately expressed as “That Fucking Bitch!”
How do we move on from the experience of having our hearts ripped out of our bodies while some female is laughing and jumping up and down on top of it all the while pouring salt all over the wounds before walking away like nothing happened?
We all know it. We all fear it. We all operate in a way that we can avoid it all together. It is this behavior that closes down our hearts, shuts down our natural self-expression, and limits our prospects for any real love and joy in our lives. How do we move on from the experience of having our hearts ripped out of our bodies while some female is laughing and jumping up and down on top of it all the while pouring salt all over the wounds before walking away like nothing happened? I am not saying this is how women behave. I am saying this is how it feels for the masculine when you start messing with his ego and his ever so sensitive heart.
I can tell you that I recently expressed these words. “That Fucking Bitch!” I spit those words out in rage and anger with as much venom as I could muster. I was hurt. I was devastated. I wanted revenge. I lied awake at night thinking of all the ways I could hurt her back. What could I say about her? What could I do to let her know that I hated her for her indifference? When would I ever stop thinking about my plan of attack? These are the 5 techniques I utilized to bring myself back to center, and arrive at a place of love and compassion. Try them out and see how you fare.
I Did Not Do Anything
Do Not React! Do not attack. Do not speak about it. Instead, breathe it in. It is hard to do but you can do it. This is a wonderful time to resume your meditation practice. Feel the degree of pain you are in. It is a rare space. While it does not feel good now, remember that your greatest lessons come from your greatest pain. If this is a doozy of a pain, then you will be experiencing a doozy of a personal transformation from this experience. Respond to your pain by feeling it. Don’t attack. Don’t eat or drink or drug or sex to ease the feelings. Stick with it while you can. This is your time of profound growth. Don’t throw it away.
I Wrote My Feelings Down On Paper
Get it out of your head. Put it down on paper, or type it into your MacBook Pro. As you start the writing process, you will start to make some general observations, and notice how point A connects to point B, and things will begin to make some sense. In my recent experience, as I started to right things down, I came to realize that the woman’s actions weren’t really personal. She behaved in much the same way I discount a woman in my life for whom I don’t have any feelings. It is not personal. The feelings just are not there. I discovered this by writing down my memories of our last time together, and what I remembered of her final words.
I Put Myself In Her Shoes
The first two steps should have you feeling some distance. Now, either in meditation, or you can close your eyes, put yourself in the woman’s shoes. How was she feeling? Did she display any behaviors that would have given you a clue as to why she ended it? As her, how do you see you? From her point of view, objectively, how did you (the guy) behave. Did you come on too strong? Were you too pushy? Did you make some assumptions that were too big of a leap? Did she really mean to hurt you, or rather was she in a space of self preservation? Did she chose happiness over you? Isn’t that a logical choice? What do you see when you live in her shoes?
I Asked Myself, Who Am I Really Hurting?
By now, your left brain should start kicking in. When you are spewing out extreme anger, who are you hurting? You are certainly not hurting her. If you believe in karma, you must realize all that anger will come back on you ten fold. When you start to evaluate your situation in the harsh light of day, all the anger is an albatross around your neck. Let it go. It only makes sense.
I Choose Personal Growth Over Everything. Period!
I could have written I choose love, or I choose forgiveness, but this isn’t about love and there is no one to forgive. There is, however, a huge opportunity for personal growth, expansion, spiritual liberation, and transformation. She did what she did, and you are reacting and responding to it in your own way. She is a catalyst for you to do some profound personal growth. It never feels like that when it happens. I got it. But as time goes by, you will grow by leaps and bounds because you chose to be vulnerable, and a magnificent life happens when you are vulnerable. You may experience some of the most beautiful feelings known to man in a vulnerable state, and you can also have your heart ripped out of your chest. All of this is so much better than encasing your heart in concrete and never letting anybody in. Playing it safe is for cowards.
Once I went through these five steps, I had only one more thing to do. I communicated with the woman, and told her how I felt. I told her that she hurt me. I told her that I had opened up to her, and felt blind sided and devastated after our final time together. I shared that with her so she would have some awareness around how she is in a relationship. I was not angry or vengeful, or spiteful. I simple opened my heart and shared. This completed the process for me.
Recently, I felt the sting that just won’t easily go away. It touches deep. In the end, it reunites me with me. It is a reminder of my powerlessness.
If I am completely honest, I must acknowledge heartache is a permanent condition. It is not a popular thing to say, but it is true. How can I live in this world and not feel heartache? But I don’t. It’s easier to busy myself, distract with trees and gifts, boardrooms and blow jobs, temples and rice fields, and forget about the gritty real world outside of my home. Starvation, disease, poverty, violence, well, it’s just too much to bear.
However, occasionally, I can’t keep the heartache on the other side of the door. As I have shared, and you men all know too well, a woman elicits very powerful feelings. Recently, I felt the sting that just won’t easily go away. It touches deep. In the end, it reunites me with me. It is a reminder of my powerlessness. I know not to run from it. Soon enough, it will lift and life will resume its Technicolor dream quality. But for the moment, I must surrender to it while bittersweet melancholy breathes through me.
