We just finished the July 2012 Bridge event last weekend in Baldwin, KS. As often happens, I didn’t seem to have any big insights at the event, as I was so thoroughly engaged in delivering the event and supporting the participants toward breakthroughs. I came back to California on Monday and jumped right back in to work. This was probably not the smartest thing to do. These events are energetically exhausting. I normally would take a full week off with no serious obligations. Still, I needed to get back to work to honor my commitments, and so I did. Throughout the week, I felt tired, flat, at times manic, and overall quite emotional and feeling the need for some solitude.
You center my soul. Your beauty humbles me. Your courage shakes me to my core. You are a cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat. Your open hearted love allows me to melt. I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.
I have a woman in my life. She is quite remarkable. She keeps telling me I don’t really know her at all. Perhaps… I tell her that I know enough. What I do know is I am enchanted. What I do know is the Goddess energy is strong in her. I also know when I have been blessed. Yesterday, she taught me such a powerful lesson that today I can only sleep, eat, garden, cry, and now write. In short guys, Kali kicked my ass once again. For those of you in relationship to strong women, you know how powerful her Kali energy can be when it demands to be fully expressed.
I learned the pitfall of pride. Yes, pride once again gets the best of me. It works like this. I conduct a kick ass weekend event. Men are transformed. On some level, I take credit for the amazing results purported by the men. That energy, which you could call arrogance, or pride (or stupidity, because I know this one so well), imbues my being. I begin to think I had something to do with the powerful results, and forget the very lesson we talked about at the event: The hollow bone. The energy comes from the great unknown, and all I am is a portal, or hollow bone, through which the energy flows.
But no, I mismanaged the whole thing, took credit, believed I am someone I am not, and as a result, almost lost something that is warm and wonderful and precious and rare. In my pride filled state, I am careless. There is no other way to put it. It is as if my brain stops working properly, and words flow out of me, and in the moment, it seems everything I am saying is smart and witty. This was definitely not the case. I said something careless and hurtful.
You center my soul. Your beauty humbles me. Your courage shakes me to my core. You are a cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat. Your open hearted love allows me to melt. I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.
What I said is not important. What is important is that I recognize when I am feeling prideful, and then get my sorry ass back to gratitude and humility. Yesterday, She and she spoke loud and clear. I am nothing without…. Well, I am nothing. In the end, isn’t that the message? A hollow bone is hollow. There is nothing there. I am a simple portal through which everything flows. When I fill the portal with pride, spirit doesn’t flow, and life gets hard. The magic dies, and I am left bloodied and bruised, half dead on the side of the road. Roar Kali Roar!
I will never forget an experience I had at an event back in 2007. We had just completed a process. During the process, I touched into the feelings of helplessness. It was not your garden variety insight. No. I spent a good half an hour on the floor in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably, like I had never cried before. It was a deep and extreme contact with that particular energy. As I came out of it, I apologized to one of the guides because I continued sobbing some 5 minutes after the process was over. This woman, a woman I adore, she told me with a smile on her face “Jay, we like you this way.” My humbled self exposes all my humanity. I am fully available. My bone is completely hollowed. I am open for it All.
As I write this, I am listening to Beggars Banquet. Just heard a song called Salt of the Earth. The last line is “Let’s think of the humble of birth.” We are all humble of birth, and then some of us pick up bad habits. I now have a powerful memory of the damage my pride and arrogance can create in my life. I can recall quite quickly the intensity of the searing pain associated with my false visions of grandeur. I know what I want. I know when I have something special to protect. I now know what I got out of the The Bridge last weekend. I got this potent and simple lesson: I am careless and full of hubris when I forget who I am. I am nothing. And when I know I am nothing, I live in a world of wonder and magic and beauty and breathtakingly delicious companionship.
I am reminded of something my old teacher told me. “Your greatest strength and power comes from your vulnerability.” When I am humble, I see clearly. When I know my place in this world, everything is possible. When I am willing to live an unfiltered life, the strength of my courage is exposed. Acknowledging I am nothing is not a statement of weakness. In fact, it is a statement of the highest truth. As Jed McKenna said, “Fire doesn’t negotiate, and nothing doesn’t burn.” Becoming nothing is The goal. It is the end game.
You center my soul. Your beauty humbles me. Your courage shakes me to my core. You are a cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat. Your open hearted love allows me to melt. I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.
Thank you for second chances! Hey guys?
About the Author
Jay Cradeur is an author, blogger, internet marketer, world traveler, and coach. Jay has helped thousands to achieve their dreams of financial independence. As an internet marketing coach with a focus on personal development, Jay may be able to assist you in reaching your goals. You can work with Jay for a 100% refundable fee of $49 by clicking on this link and committing to your future. Work with Coach Jay.
Musing from a man in the throes of an awakening of sorts.
I water the tomato plant, and there you are. I smell the basil, and imagine the subtle essence of your scent. I look at the sunrise and wonder if you are awake, looking at the same sun in same the sky at the same time.
I have never loved a woman until lately. Truly loving a woman is not what I thought. It is not what I have been taught. It couldn’t be. It must be self-taught. It must descend from the heavens like a gift from the goddess. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Real love is not what passes for romantic love. Romantic love is young love and it is possessive. It loves the idea of love. It enjoys the picture and wants to be viewed.
Real love only wants what is best for the object of its affection. Can I be in service to the goddess, rather than a demand of the goddess? Can I be a force of love, a conduit for love, rather than a response or a reaction to love? Can I love unconditionally, without any understanding, and without any expectation of receiving love in return? Can I live in insecurity and uncertainty? No guarantees? If I can answer Yes, then I am approaching authentic love. This is real love. That is not the love of red roses. This that I speak is not red. It is so white hot, colors don’t matter. The flame never extinguishes. This love, the real stuff, is patient, and compassionate, and selfless, and prone to err on the side of ebullient adoration, and overwhelming feelings, and uncontainable bliss. It is self-sustaining and available for everyone in my path. The bright comes to life. It is a light that must shine. Heaven is gonna burn your eyes!
“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.”
Seth from the movie City of Angels
Real love is tempered with defeat, and heart ache, and ruptures. Real love is forged steel. Only someone who has loved and loss knows of what I speak. Love is who I am. It has taken a lifetime to unearth it. Love was there all the time. I had been looking everyplace except where it lives, deep inside of me. It is not mine to give away. It is a gift that flows through me. I am only an ancient vessel. Love is there for me to stay out of its way. Can I do that? Can I keep my petty boy wants out of it? Can I relax into it? Can I be a shining beacon of the ultimate possibility of love? Not jealous. Not possessive. Not angry. But rather can I be completely surrendered to the desires and wants of my beloved? Can I be exuberantly broken wide open, and content, and aware of the magnificence of this willingness to love unconditionally, completely vulnerable, and exposed to both the highs and the lows of human emotion, heartbreak and ecstasy. Real love is a worn smooth ocean stone, beautifully aged wave after wave.
To survive this love, this biggest of loves, I must focus inward. My true love lies within, and only from there can it emanate out to my beloveds. Anything else is just an illusion, not the real thing, but rather a shiny imitation that will not last the test of time.
A thought of her sends a cellular reaction throughout my body. Like a gentle buzz, I can feel a light and fast vibration from my head to my toes. I think of making love, and can only imagine her pleasure. That will bring me my pleasure. I see a future entwining, and can feel her hand in mine. It is soft and warm and wise and infinitely capable of singular joy and divine expression. Happiness descends on me at will, at any moment, all day, every day.
I water the tomato plant, and there you are. I smell the basil, and imagine the subtle essence of your scent. I look at the sunrise and wonder if you are awake, looking at the same sun in same the sky at the same time.
Am I talking about a physical woman, or the big She? Is there any difference? I have come to know them as one in the same.
She is she. And she is She.
Can I awaken both? Am I grateful enough to have both? Am I awake enough to deliver the adoration she and She deserve. Have I earned her devotion with this master work of discipline that I call my life. Time will tell.
“Love does not fail for you when you are rejected, betrayed or apparently not Loved. Love fails for you when you reject, betray and do not love. Therefore .. Love.” Adi Da Samraj
I was raised a Catholic. Seems Catholic are notorious for, among other things, guilt. Catholics are good at feeling guilty. As I look back, I realized I was told about a whole bunch of rules. There were so many rules, there was no way I could live and not break quite a few of those rules. I guess the idea is then I would feel guilty for not following all the rules. Then I would have to go to church to pray for forgiveness, and take communion, to be purified and ready for a new week. That didn’t work for me, so I just stopped being a Catholic at the age of 30. It still seems like a rigged system that won’t allow for free thinking nor personal freedom.
Shame appears to result from something that we judge as “bad” happening. I put bad in quotation marks, because calling something “bad” is a judgment, and not a statement of fact. This is an important point. The same applies to any judgment we call “good.” It is not a statement of fact, but rather a self-imposed judgment, or a label we apply, to an event, a thing, or a person. These self-imposed judgments cause us sadness and misery, and zap us of our life force. These judgments then impact how we live our life, and create a filter through which we see and experience who we are and how we respond to everyday opportunities.
During our Bridge 3-day weekend events, we do a process called the Yellow and Blue Process. It is really simple. On a yellow piece of paper, we write down the three things that we did that causes us the most shame. On the blue piece of paper, we write down the three things that were done to us, that cause us the most shame. We then share these items with the group. It is remarkable how much stuff we carry around, for a lifetime, without sharing it and/or releasing it. I have seen men trembling with fear and embarrassment while sharing the most innocent of experiences. It appears much of this shameful stuff happens just around 6th grade! Just the speaking of the incidents is such a relief. Being heard and understanding that we are not alone, and that we are still loved even after admitting to such things, is purely and positively transformational. We do this process during our first morning together, so you can imagine how amazing the remaining three days are with all that energy freed up. Wowzer.
I know people, so many people from so many weekend, who have shared in circle. These are beautiful people, people who would not harm anyone or anything, people who truly care about other people. These are people committed to transformation. Still, something happened, something bad, something unforeseen, something traumatic, something that they carry around like a battle scar, something that shadows how they live. No intentional damage. Not anything like “I set out to do harm.” No, just something happened, and from that point on, these beautiful people feel shame. You can see it like a grey cloud draping their energy body.
“What is seen as right and normal by society is seen as immature distortion by a free mind.” Vernon Howard
All this shame seems to be a result of social conditioning, whether it is from religions, or some other source, which creates these ridiculously high expectations of how perfect we should all be able to live our lives. What I want to say is “Lighten up! You are doing the best you can. Enjoy it all!” I realize my words are like farts in the wind. An adult who has been told how to live his life, and which rules to follow since birth, isn’t going to change. It is all too ingrained. It is all to regimented, and the tribe is all in agreement, so that is the way it is going to be. But just maybe one person might be moved to be a bit less tough and judgemental, and realize we are not bad people and we are doing the best we can, and life really is about being free, and uncontrolled, and able to evaluate actions without anyone else’s guidance or psychic domination. Perhaps just one person may reclaim their own authority, and not give it away. Just maybe it’s you.
Self sabotage is what happens when we feel shame. Since we feel shame, we convince ourselves that we don’t deserve the amazing life that has been offered to us. Instead, we find ways to accept less, go for less, come up with all sorts of reasons why we don’t have an amazing life, amazing love, amazing people, and amazing experiences. Instead, we see ourselves as bad people, or irresponsible people, or somehow undeserving people, and we screw it up for ourselves. Usually, it is my observation that most don’t even see themselves doing it. Instead, it is just the way it is. We learn to settle for less, and accept that this is our lot in life. How do we free ourselves up from ourselves, from these self imposed prisons and stop self sabotaging?
What we must do is take out the garbage.
Here is a great process or exercise that I will share with you. Write down all the things that you feel shame about. Take your time, and write down everything. Close your eyes for 15 minutes and see what comes up. Write it all down on a piece of paper. Then one night, when you feel ready to let it all go, just as the sun goes down, put the paper in a bowl and light it on fire. The next step is very important. Sit there and watch the paper burn. As you are watching it, feel the guilt lifting from your body. Imaging these clouds of shame, in the form of smoke, lifting up to the sky. Just let them go. Feel whatever emotions you feel. Many people feel sadness during this process, for they have grown comfortable with their shame. Think about it. Without the excuse of shame, what kind of a life are you going to build for yourself. This can be kind of scary. Has the shame impacted your decisions about the work you do, the relationships you are in, and the activities you participate in daily? If you didn’t feel shame, would you treat your body better, and eat healthier food? Would you maybe stop smoking, and start exercising? It is a powerful experience to realize all the pernicious ways shame thwarts us in life.
The toughest healing task to accomplish when feeling shame is to shift the context around the shameful event form being a victim to being author of your life. This is very challenging, especially when something horrific was done to you. The first step is to look at the gifts that have come as a result of the shameful act. Often men have been sexually abused by either their father or other adult men. This is wrong on so many levels, and I can feel my rage rising as I write this and recall the pain I have seen in these men. Still, these men will acknowledge that as a result of what happened, they have obtained some very rare and pristine levels of awareness and sensitivity to the world around them. When the shift can be made to full responsibility and accountability, something amazing happens. The shameful event becomes a launching pad from which one can share rare and glorious gifts. Rather that being a victim mired in shame, I have seen men rise like the phoenix and express a glorious level of aliveness and vitality.
Shame is a bad habit. I suggest we can change our way of being. Go and burn your shame. See what happens. I will end with some Rumi to shift the energy as I conclude this article on shame. Rumi is always good for the soul:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” ― Rumi
“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” ― Rumi
“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” ― Rumi,
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” ― Rumi
What is it about me? Sometimes I feel so different. Why can’t we all just admit that this life is pretty amazing! Why can’t we love each other, feel all the joy and bliss this life offers, and forget all the bs? There sure are a bunch of rules. So many people feel so guilty about this and that. We go to church each Sunday to get a weekly cleansing. Why do we think we are dirty? So many beliefs. So many “have to’s.” All of this creates filters through which life is experienced. It makes it hard, and combative, and dehumanizing.
Am I ignorant? Am I blind to the facts of life? Am I too simplistic? Do I belong back in the sixties? Did I take too much ecstasy in my younger days? Have I felt so much pain in this lifetime, that I have come to the point of saying, Enough is Enough! I choose deliriously happy. I don’t need gobs of money. I don’t need travel. I don’t need to be with someone. I am. And that is about as simple and pure as it gets.
1 Second.
During the last couple of years, I have been increasingly aware of how fragile and tender this life that we have truly is. Perhaps as I get older, I realize the party will someday come to an end. Losing a few loved ones to suicide, and a mother in law to illness, points a clearly delineated path to the end. Many of my friends have developed cancer. The clock is ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Perhaps it is the fact that I have experienced such joy, that the end of this life seems all the more pointless and final. And perhaps, just knowing that anything can happen at any time, all entirely out of my control, I more than ever want to grab life by the throat and celebrate all that I have been given.
Today, I received some frightening news. My daughter Paulina, who just turned 15 ½, is now driving. Up until today, this was great news. How exciting for her! When I have visited with her, we drive. She loves to drive, and she is a great driver. I have been training her for the last 3 years. As with all things Paulina does, she does it with excellence.
1 Second.
The difference between life and death.
The news. Paulina was in an automobile accident. She called me, and sounded okay. Shaken, but not hurt. She and her mom were at the auto body shop, making the usual post-accident arrangements, setting up the insurance papers, and getting a rental while the damaged car is in repairs. Looks like they will total the car. Later I heard all the details.
1 Second.
That is what made the difference between my daughter dying today, or just being scared and really shaken up.
1 Fucking Second.
That is how close I came to losing one of my children today. Paulina was driving to her volunteer work. She was driving on a two lane country road, a 55 MPH road, a road with a double yellow line down the center. She had slowed down to make a left hand turn onto the road that would take her to her destination. She had her eyes peeled to make sure there was no oncoming traffic before making the turn. The road was clear, so with her blinker on, she began to make the turn. And BOOM. Some jerk decided to cross over the yellow line, and try to pass Paulina on the left. In all my driving, I don’t think I have ever seen anyone do something so stupid.
His car, a big SUV, destroyed the front left wheel of Paulina’s car. Paulina told me that upon impact, she just burst out in a panic, saying she was sorry for what happened to her Mom’s car. As she said, she “freaked out!” and started crying and screaming and curled up into a ball. When she told me of her experience, all I could think about was what would have happened if the jerk had been 1 second later, or Paulina had been 1 second faster. He would have rammed into Paulina’s door at 55 MPH. It would have been a classic T-Bone. Paulina would not have had a chance to freak out. She would not be with us any longer. The good news is she is only traumatized. The good news is she is alive!
1 Second.
Throughout my life, I have been asked from time to time to be patient, and to sit on the sidelines and wait for a situation to clear up. I am a “make it happen” kind of guy. It is tough when I am asked to let nature take its course. But while I have been on the sidelines, I often wonder, what if? What if tomorrow never comes. What if? What if all amazing plans aren’t given a chance to manifest? What if the sweetest joys are never experienced? What if Paulina never gets to college, never marries, never has children, never travels the world, and never gets to do any of the things I have dreamed for her. What if? What ever happened to Carpe Diem (seize the day!)? It makes me wonder. I am going to watch Dead Poet’s Society again!
1 Second.
In the end, I take a deep breath and I trust. I trust my daughter has a bubble of white light always protecting her. I trust that when the universe throws something magnificent in my life, and I must wait for a while, there is a plan. Since there isn’t really any control, I must trust. Else I feel I would go a bit mad. Life is so beautiful, and my daughter is alive and well. My life has magic in it, and such a passionate and fulfilling future awaits. And if I am honest with myself, my life is quite off the charts amazing just as it is. Still, this accident reminds me of how fragile it all is. This accident also points out how special and fulfilling certain relationship are, such as between a father and his children, and between a man and a woman. Some things in life deserve more focus and attention. In the long run, they are more rewarding.
I will continue to feel the thin (and getting thinner) veil between this world and the other, and cherish the sublime connections I have. I will trust all is happening exactly as it will. And when something as jolting as this bizarre accident raps hard on my heart, I will take all of that pent up love, hold it dear, and share it whenever I feel the calling. This Wednesday evening, I am going to one of Paulina’s music recitals with her brother and mother. I trust that the flute playing will sound particularly wonderful on that night.
1 second.
That is how close I was from another deathly silence.
Jay Cradeur is an author, blogger, internet marketer, world traveler, and coach. Jay has helped thousands to achieve their dreams of financial independence. As an internet marketing coach with a focus on personal development, Jay may be able to assist you in reaching your goals. You can work with Jay for a 100% refundable fee of $49 by clicking on this link and committing to your future. Work with Coach Jay.
